Category Archives: political satire

Brexit made me a millionaire after just one hour claims Scottish fisherman

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A delighted Boyle pictured last night

A 64-year-old Scottish trawlerman has made the astonishing claim that he became a millionaire just one hour after Britain left the European Union.

Mikey ‘The Buckfast Kid’ Boyle from Glasgow, a scallop fisherman working out of the port of Arbroath, told local newsmen: “It’s unbelievable. Now that we’ve left the EU, the price of scallops will be rocketing to an all-time high of around 500 quid each, on top of which, we’ll have the entire sea to ourselves now that all the European boats have been booted out of our waters.

“Based on this, I’ve calculated that I was a millionaire just one hour after Britain was freed from the draconian constraints of the EU diktats.

“Of course, I haven’t got the cash in the bank just yet, but it’s only a matter of time. Michael Gove and Boris told me that”

When asked how he was going to spend his Brexit bounty, Boyle grew expansive: “Ah’m going tae go oan the big boay’s ginger and drink ’til ah cannae see straight” he confirmed.

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Netanyahu hits back after Priti Patel 1-star rating on TripAdvisor


Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, last night hit back furiously at disgraced UK international development secretary, Priti Patel, after she gave him a paltry 1-star rating on holiday site, TripAdvisor.

Patel, who was forced to resign on Wednesday following a number of meetings with Netanyahu and other prominent Israeli political figures, slammed the venue for the meeting as, “filthy and unhygienic, with cockroaches in the bedroom, noisy air conditioning, and no plug for the bathtub”

She also criticised, the Israeli premier for being “surly and unhelpful” when she asked if she could have an ironing board, and for being “miles from the beach with a gruelling uphill walk to get back to the conference room from the town”

Giving Netanyahu a 1-star rating, she advised future travellers to: “give him a miss and find a political figure that’s actually worth the money”

Netanyahu responded furiously last night: “This lady needs to understand that you get what you pay for in the holiday business. If it’s 5-star luxury she’s after I suggest she spends a fortnight with Denis Skinner”

It is believed that Patel will now be considering her options during a short break to Sarah Palin.

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Vegas Massacre: The President Speaks Out

trump a sick man

More as we get it

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Benefit claimants to be beaten and paraded through streets declares DWP



A young hopeful pictured putting in a claim for Income Support Allowance last night


The Department of Work and Pensions have announced, that from January 2017, people claiming jobseeker’s allowance or universal credit will be woken daily at 6.00am by a jobcentre staff member beating on their door with a cudgel.

The same staff member will then order them to put on a pair of underpants before flogging them through the streets to the local benefits office using a barbed flail or ‘scourge’ for the purpose

The Secretary of State For Work and Pensions, Damien Green, told a press conference yesterday: “This government feels that more incentive is needed to get people back into the workplace.

“We have therefore decided to increase the frequency of the requirement to sign on the dole and to administer some extreme, corrective corporal punishment as an added deterrent to sponging off the state.

“Combined with the humiliation of being paraded through the streets in their underwear, we are hoping that measures such as this will make these individuals think twice about being a burden on the state in future”

When questioned, Green refused to confirm or deny a leaked government proposal to birch old age pensioners who apply for the winter fuel allowance before dragging them through the streets tethered to fast cars.

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Tooth Fairy in foul-mouthed tirade against “f*****g Beano” Russia Today


RT’s editorial leader in last Thursday’s edition

In a shock outburst yesterday, The Tooth Fairy lashed out at the Putin-sponsored online newspaper, Russia Today, or “RT” as it now prefers to be known.

Speaking to Soz Satire, the normally mild-mannered winged pixie tore into the widely discredited Kremlin mouthpiece. “How the fuck can sane and rational people swallow the utter bilge that is pumped out on a daily basis by RT? Just tell me that.

“Even their own journalists are constantly resigning after being instructed to write state-fed, unsubstantiated rumours and downright lies for God’s sake.

“I regularly see their laughable propaganda splurged all over Facebook by people with an IQ below their shoe size and it has to stop.

“These utter fucktards would be better served and more widely-informed if they took out a subscription to the fucking Beano”

We tried to speak to one of the editorial team at RT last night but were told that most of them were working on a breaking news story that President Obama is a gay KGB double agent and that his wife, Michelle, once starred in a dwarf/amputee porno film.

The remainder of the editorial staff have apparently been imprisoned in Lublanka for refusing to run a story on Putin’s legendary – and strictly heterosexual – gymnastic prowess in the bedroom.

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Trump Claims Victory After Not Grabbing Clinton’s Pussy During TV Debate



“Don’t even think about it mister!”


In the aftermath of the latest bitter presidential debate, beleaguered Republican nominee, Donald Trump, has claimed victory over his Democratic Party rival, Hillary Clinton, and has told the media that he has conclusively demonstrated his suitability for office by not grabbing her pussy during the live TV debate.

Trump told reporters last night: “I think I have proved beyond all doubt that Donald J Trump is the right man to lead this great nation by not grabbing Hillary’s pussy or making any other type of sexual advance during the debate.

“I didn’t even try to kiss her for Pete’s sake. Although, you can be pretty damn sure she wanted me to. When you’re a star, women almost demand that you come on to them sexually, and you can bet your life Hillary’s just like all the rest. Especially if she’s anything like her old man was when he was in office.”

Mrs Clinton hit back furiously last night: “The sheer arrogance of this man is breathtaking. The last thing on my mind during the debate was being kissed or having my pussy grabbed by Donald, whatever he may think to the contrary. Not even Bill is permitted to do that sort of thing while I’m campaigning and we are both more than happy with that arrangement”

A spokesperson for the TV studio that staged the debate told us: “Initially we were a little apprehensive. We were afraid that Mr Trump might grab Mrs Clinton’s pussy at some point, especially if she started winning the debate.

“In order to try and prevent this, we positioned the two rostrums a good distance apart, so if Mr Trump moved towards Mrs Clinton, and if one of our security staff considered that he was going to grab her pussy, he would have sufficient time to wrestle him to the ground and hold him until the cops arrived.”

The current race for The White House is thought to be the most acrimonious since the Nixon/Kennedy struggle in 1960 when Nixon accused JFK of dropping his pen under the table during a TV debate so that he could look up Nixon’s trouser leg.


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Article 50 Missing After Merkel’s Office Tidy Up Claim EU



“For you, Britishers ze Brexit ist over!”


Britain’s proposed exit from The European Union was in turmoil last night after the EU commission revealed that the key Article 50 document, has been lost or mislaid after the German prime minister, Angela Merkel, had a clean round in the office of EU commissioner, Jean-Claude Juncker last week.

A commission insider told us: “After Theresa May announced yesterday that Britain would invoke article 50 in March, we decided we’d better get it out of the drawer in the commissioner’s office just to make sure it was ready for the big day. However, despite hunting high and low, we couldn’t find it. We found all the other articles and some old legislation relating to straight bananas and a proposal to fine butchers for not using metric scales, but no article 50. Most of us reckon Mrs Merkel must have thrown it out when she was having one her tidying round stints last week.”

Merkel, however, strongly denied the accusation last night: “There’s no way I would have thrown out Article 50. All I did was put some out-of-date EU proposals in a black sack along with some leaky biros and a sheaf of UKIP expenses claims that had been paid donkey’s years ago. That office would be an absolute tip if I didn’t give it a bit of a fettle from time to time and that’s a fact. Anyway, if it has been accidentally thrown out, Britain will just have to stay in the EU after all. It’s their own fault. They should have put it in one of those plastic folders I brought in specially and kept it up on a shelf out of the way”

This latest incident is the biggest major embarrassment for the EU since The Treaty of Lisbon was left on a table in the canteen at their Brussels HQ in 2007 and was later found on the floor with baked bean juice on one of the corners.

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‘Empty’ Train Carriage Was Ram-Packed With Midgets and Germans With Diarrhoea Claim Corbyn’s Press Office


corbyn straight talking

The press office for beleaguered Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, have issued a statement, claiming that the empty train carriage that Corbyn is shown passing through on CCTV before claiming that the entire train was ‘ram-packed’ was, in fact, full of midgets whose heads couldn’t be seen above the headrests, and a party of over 40 Germans who had left their luggage on their seats while they were all in the toilet suffering from gastroenteritis.

The statement said: “Jeremy, his wife and his publicists did, in fact, pass through that particular carriage, but it was full of midgets and German luggage, left there while the owners were having a clearout. I suppose it’s a bit like when they put towels on sunloungers to reserve them. So, basically, that’s why Jeremy had to sit on the floor to do his piece to camera. Yes, that’ll be it.”

Virgin Trains, however, strongly denied the claim. “The midgets were all in a first class carriage at the front of the train, and the Germans were in the caboose at the rear where their constant farting wouldn’t upset their fellow travellers”

Corbyn himself was unavailable for comment due to his earlier arrest for attacking his lesbian spin doctor with a screwdriver.

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Southern Rail to Nationalise Jeremy Corbyn

corbyn im going nowhere

Oh yes you are sunshine

The under-fire Southern Rail train franchise have announced plans to nationalise beleaguered Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn after a damning report declared him “unfit for purpose”

A spokesman for the company, who have been heavily criticised in recent months for poor service and frequent delays, last night told reporters:

“It’s totally unacceptable to expect Labour voters to put up with the type of shambolic service that Corbyn is offering at the moment. His own party members are in revolt, and the only people who seem to like him are tank-top-wearing, swivel-eyed art students, and women with hairy armpits.

“We, therefore, intend to nationalise him as soon as we have drawn up the legislation, and, hopefully, a more efficient and popular Corbyn will be the result. Because let’s be honest, we couldn’t turn him into a bigger wassock than he already is could we?”

.This groundbreaking move draws a direct parallel with the events of 1968 when British Rail turned the Conservative Minister for Transport, Reginald Maudling, into a one-way system on the outskirts of Birmingham.

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Corbyn Beat Me For Not Calling Him “Prime Minister” Claims House of Commons Cleaner


corbyn im going nowhere

Corbyn in defiant mood after nailing his feet to the floor outside 10 Downing Street


A 22-year-old woman, employed as a cleaner in The Houses of Parliament, has made the shocking claim that the beleaguered leader of The Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, beat her with a wooden stick when she refused his demands to call him prime minister while the pair were alone in The House of Commons debating chamber last night.

Tracy Dell, from Whitechapel in East London, said: “I was sweeping between the benches on the government side when I saw My Corbyn sitting alone in Mr. Camerons seat. He looked unkempt and he kept standing up and leaning on the despatch box. He was muttering to himself, and at one point he kissed The Mace and called it “his precious”

When I asked him if he’d mind putting his feet up on the division bench so that I could sweep, his face went all red and he started calling me “the honourable member for Spitalfields”

“Then he asked me to call him prime minister while I sat in the Speaker’s chair. I was really scared, but I refused and tried to run away but he grabbed me and started beating me with a stick. He kept saying “I’m going nowhere and neither are you” He was sweating a lot and I think he was aroused sexually.

“Luckily, Boris Johnson came in to look for his pen that he’d left behind earlier and he told Mr Corbyn to let me go. He then punched Mr Corbyn in the face, and told him to get back over his own side.

“He was so kind and even took me back to my house on the back of his bike. I’ll never vote Labour again after this I don’t mind telling you.”

Corbyn was unavailable for comment last night after having locked himself in a ladies toilet in The House of Lords; claiming that he has an overwhelming mandate to stay there forever.

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