Category Archives: Humour

Londoner had fatal stroke following Northerner’s attempt to strike up conversation on bus

yorkshire

A 45-year-old London man was killed instantly by a fatal stroke yesterday when a man from the north of England tried to begin a conversation just moments after sitting down next to him on a Number 24 bus from Pimlico to Hampstead Heath

Witnesses say the northerner seemed to target the lone male who was on his way to work in Charing Cross when the incident occurred.

A woman on board at the time told us: “He just sat down next to this poor man and began chatting.

“I couldn’t make out much of what he was saying due to the accent, but it was ‘reet’ this, and, ‘reet’ that.

“At one point he began talking about his pet whippet and how he keeps coal in the bath.

“It was shocking to witness and it’ll be a long time before I can get the image of that northerner’s overly-friendly face…

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Local man eats wife after discovering she’s a cake

Victoria-Sponge-HERO-eac08238-0b21-4a6e-9cef-596597c44efc-0-472x310A cross-section of one of Mrs Dell’s arms pictured earlier

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man ate his wife last week after making the shock discovery that she was actually a cleverly sculpted concept cake made by a local online craft baker.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Vallance Road, told The Whitechapel Whelk:

“I married her a few weeks ago because she seemed a nice quiet girl.

“She didn’t do much around the house mind you and I always had to make the first move in bed.

“Then, a few days ago, I was having a cup of tea sitting next to her on the sofa and decided to playfully nibble her neck

“Imagine my surprise when I discovered she was made entirely from Victoria sponge.

“She even had a cream and strawberry jam filling.

“I helped myself to one of her arms and washed the crumbs down with my…

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Adam Cartwright out of Bonanza found living in local pie shop.

Pernell Roberts, The Cowboy Adam Cartwright - YouTube

According to a local Whitechapel man, Adam Cartwright, the eldest son of Ben Cartwright out of the popular 1960s TV western series, Bonanza, is now living above a pie and eel shop in Roman Road in Bow where he makes a living trapping eels in the Thames estuary at Gravesend.

Toby Dell, 45, from Commercial Street, told a Whelk reporter: “I first spotted Adam out of Bonanza when I went in Kelly’s in Roman Road for a pie and mash a few weeks back.

“He came in the shop carrying a basket of live eels. It was definitely him, he was wearing a cowboy outfit and had that miserable look on his face that he used to have when he was on telly

“I asked him for his autograph, but he drew his six-gun and warned me that if I came any closer I was going to get a belly…

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Ask Ted Threesome: The Sexually Insane Whitechapel Gardening Consultant

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Dear Ted

The wife and I have planted some geraniums (pelargoniums) in pots. They all have a flower bud, but someone told me to cut out the first bud to get more blooms for the rest of the year. Is this right?

Toby and Tracy Dell
Whitechapel
London W1

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Dear Toby and Tracy

Have you ever done it in the potting shed where people can see you? I bet you have, you saucy bleeders!

It’s the excitement of being discovered, isn’t it? I bet you and Tracy are going at it full pelt right now aren’t you? Let’s webcam!

Do you enjoy being restrained Toby? Does Tracy lash you to the bed with thick gardening twine and then push phallic-shaped root vegetables up your bottom? I bet she does, the filthy little slut! Webcam me!

Do you want me to send you pics of me pleasuring myself on my…

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Politics in Brief: Trump and Pence to woo voters with Duelling Banjos

banjoJared Kushner pictured last night

The White House press office has announced that President Donald Trump, and his Vice President, Mike Pence, will go on the campaign trail in the run-up to the November election with a performance of the grammy-winning duet, Duelling Banjos.

A press spokesman told newsmen last night: “The President and Vice-President are both huge fans of the movie, Deliverance, particularly the Duelling Banjos scene, and have decided to replicate it at rallies over the coming weeks to keep the crowds entertained, and, in particular, the sizeable inbred contingent’

A White House insider last night revealed that, while the vice-president has pretty much nailed the piece almost in its entirety after a few day’s intensive tuition, President Trump has been less adept at mastering his instrument and keeps trying to play it by putting the machine head in his mouth and blowing.

More as we get it.

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HMS Belfast gives birth to 72-ton, baby patrol boat

                  Belfast Bliss:Mother and baby pictured together at low tide yesterday                                                                      

The Royal Navy has announced that the legendary World War II destroyer, HMS Belfast, has given birth to a healthy patrol boat at her moorings in The Pool of London and that mother and lightly-armed baby are both doing well.

Speaking from Admiralty headquarters in central London, a spokesman told newsmen: “We are delighted to announce that HMS Belfast successfully delivered a healthy, 72-ton PT Boat at 3 am this morning

“Mother and baby are both shipshape and doing well at this time despite prior concerns about the youngster’s rivetting being damaged by the unseasonally hot…

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Local man found hanged following pratfall in front of teen beauty

hangman__s_rope_by_nighthawk101stock

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man was founded hanged at his home yesterday following an incident the previous day when he fell headlong at the feet of a teenage girl that he was trying to impress by vaulting a low railing.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Vallance Road, seemingly became so depressed and filled with an all-pervading sense of shame that haunted his every waking moment that he took the easy way out.

We managed to trace the young lady involved last night.

Tracy Carter, 18, a hairdresser from Leman Street, told us. “It was so embarrassing.

“This old bloke tried to vault the barrier and came crashing down in front of me.

“What an idiot. Did he think I was going to be impressed by the athletic prowess of a geezer old enough to be my grandad? I don’t think so.

“No wonder he hung himself. You call it…

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Ted Threesome: The Sexually Insane Gardening Consultant You Can Trust

Dear Ted

I’ve been unable to work due to the pandemic, but every cloud has a silver lining and this has enabled me to spend more time growing fruit and veg at my allotment.

My question is about onions. I was thinking about planting this month, but given that the weather looks very dry for the next week or two and I can’t get down there to water every day should I hold off for a week or two for the September showers to make an appearance?

Toby Dell
Whitechapel

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Dear Toby

Have you and your wife ever had it off in your shed on the allotment?

I bet you have, you filthy sods

Did the thought of being overheard or spotted thrill you and intensify your excitement?

Have you ever introduced fruit or veg into your sex play? The odd courgette or overripe plum?

Does your wife wear…

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Ryanair’s five pounds flights to include post-takeoff floggings

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A lucky passenger pictured jetting off to Sheffield on a budget Ryanair flight last night

Controversial budget airline, Ryanair have announced that their recently-confirmed £5 flights to selected European cities will feature a post-takeoff flogging in the galley for passengers taking advantage of the bargain flights.

A spokesman for Ryanair, who recently came under fire for making passengers go to the toilet in their pants if they refused to pay the airline’s notorious £100 ‘chodbin duty’, told newsmen:

“We’re delighted to announce, that for a few hours, customers will be able to purchase tickets to places nobody wants to go, like Albania or Huddersfield for just five pounds.

“However, they will be stripped and flogged with a cat-o-nine-tails shortly after takeoff by way of retribution.

“Salt will be made available to rub into their wounds post beating subject to a salt and rubbing surcharge payable on pain of death’

In…

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Concerns grow as hundreds of Trump supporters are poached for their hides

Murica-Onyx-Truth

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that hundreds of Donald Trump supporters in some of the southern states of America have been killed by hunters who have then skinned them and sold their hides on the internet.

The pelts can fetch up to $12 each on the black market and are famed for their thickness, their blotchy redness around the neck area, and all-weather durability.

Many end up as car seat covers, or, in the case of extremely large pelts, as builders’ tarpaulins, which can be used to cover piles of bricks or open cement bags overnight.

A White House spokesperson told us last night: “This disgusting trade in President Trump’s supporters has to stop. It’s bad enough that our popularity is dropping off alarmingly without these unscrupulous people preying on what remains of our support.

“I wouldn’t mind, but we didn’t have that many to start with. You only have…

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