Category Archives: Humour

Susanna Reid to be made a saint in recognition of Piers Morgan ordeal

susannaIn what many are seeing as a surprise move, the Roman Catholic church last night announced that the Good Morning Britain tv show presenter, Susanna Reid, is to be beatified and then canonised as a saint in recognition of the suffering she has endured since 2014 when she was joined on the sofa by motor-mouthed irritant, Piers Morgan, following the retirement of show stalwart, Bill Turnbull

A spokesman for The Holy See in Rome told newsmen: “Our sister in Christ, Susanna, has suffered cruelly during her stint with Morgan, and in view of this, The Holy Father has seen fit to put her forward for sainthood in recognition of her long and psychologically painful ordeal.

“Quite how she stops herself from shooting the man in the face is beyond me, and now the church feels she deserves to be worshipped and revered for eternity in recognition of her forbearance and…

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Piers Morgan killed in walrus-style battle with Eamonn Holmes

walrusMorgan pictured during happier times sunning himself on Southend beach

Controversial TV presenter and journalist, Piers Morgan, was killed earlier this morning in a bloody fight with fellow morning TV show host, Eamonn Holmes, after the two heavyweights clashed in an ITV carpark in a walrus-style fight to the death.

Holmes and Morgan were seen rearing up and smashing their upper bodies into each other, opening huge bloody wounds with their teeth and tie pins.

Witnesses said that the sickening impacts of their huge bloated bodies could be heard from surrounding offices as hundreds of workers watched the grim life or death struggle.

After a gruelling 5 -hour battle, Morgan eventually wilted and fell lifeless under a barrage of headbutts and body blows from his 400lb rival.

According to onlookers, Holmes then emitted a series of deafening roars and bellowed in triumph over the body of his fallen rival.

The…

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Harry and Meghan step back from royal duties to form mixed tag wrestling team

harryGive a girl a grapple? Harry and Meghan pictured in church last Tuesday

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex stunned the media and royal watchers alike last night when they made the joint announcement that they are stepping away from their royal duties to form a tag wrestling duo that will compete in the resurgent British professional wrestling league.

Speaking to newsmen last night, Meghan, resplendent in wrestling trunks and ring boots, with Harry at her side in just a jewelled leotard, said: “My husband and I have decided to withdraw from the media spotlight to concentrate on becoming the world champeens of tag wrestling.

“We’ve always been massive fans of the sport and often spend Saturday afternoons watching archive footage of the wrestling on World of Sport in the olden days with Kent Walton as commentator.

“My favourite is Giant Haystacks but Harry likes Mick McManus and Kendo Nagasaki.

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Local man falls in love with suction hook

hookA 54-year-old man has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he has fallen deeply in love with a small green suction hook given to his wife as a gift and that he won’t rest until he has made the item his for all eternity.

Toby Dell, a carpet-fitter from Dock Street, told us: “As soon as I laid eyes on that hook I was in its spell

I know it sounds crazy but I fell and I fell hard. It made me feel like no other household item has ever done before.

“Its lime-coloured plastic coating and the subtle curve of its suction base set my senses on fire, sending pulses of hot blood racing through my body.

“When my wife stuck it to the tiles behind the kitchen sink and hung the dishcloth on it, I almost lost control.

“The overwhelming desire to fondle myself while running my hands over…

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Government presses for royal belt-tightening as Queen spends £13.50 in public house

Queens_Head_pub_sign,_Wolverley_-_geograph.org.uk_-_777768

A government financial body has urged the royal household to kerb excessive spending as it was revealed that The Queen, accompanied by Prince Philip, spent £13.75 last Saturday night in a local pub close to Sandringham where the couple are spending the festive season.

The House Of Commons Accounts Committee issued a statement last night strongly criticising the use of public funds by Her Majesty, on what they describe as, “frivolous jaunts”

The report alleges that The Queen splashed out £13.50 on 2 pints of light and bitter and a Sambuca “Depth Charge” cocktail, while the Duke spent almost £30 on pints of snakebite

Her Majesty then went on to play 3 games of bar billiards with her husband, costing 50p a frame.

The Committee’s statement also made the claim that Prince Philip had a number of unsuccessful goes on the fruit machine costing a further £3.

A spokesperson for…

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Local man filled with hope for nail fungus relief following Boxing Day spam mail ‘miracle’

spamA 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London felt an overwhelming sense of hope and joy after a spam email he opened in the early hours of Boxing Day contained the promise of lasting relief from the misery of toenail fungus.

Toby Dell, a meat porter from Dock Street, told The Whelk that he wept with joy after spotting the item amongst 60 other spam mails, which included Pinterest notifications and invites to meet mature Russian women for no-strings friendships.

“I’ve been plagued with toenail fungus on and off since childhood so this piece of junk mail is nothing short of a miracle” he reveals.

“When I read that it was offering me prolonged relief from the condition I don’t mind admitting that I broke down and wept with joy

“I’ve now ordered a full course of treatment which involves creams and a course of tablets for only £75 per…

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I’ll wed Queen when Philip’s dead: David Beckham’s shock vow

becks

Becks and The Queen pictured at this year’s Royal Variety Performance

In a surprise move, soccer legend, David Beckham, has revealed that when Prince Philip dies he will divorce his wife, Victoria, and marry the widowed monarch as long as he is crowned King as part of the deal

Speaking to Men’s Health magazine, Becks, 67, said: “Let’s face it, Prince Philip’s in shit state these days and looks pretty likely to topple off the perch at some point in the very near future.

“I’m therefore going to divorce my missus and step into the void left by the Duke.

“I realise it’s a lot of responsibility and that I’ll have to open art galleries and shit like that, but it’ll be worth it to become the 2nd King David after that bloke in the Bible.

“I’m just hoping The Queen won’t expect me to have sex with her too often.

“I mean to say, she’s getting on a bit these days and is way past her best, although I would definitely have given her one in her younger days, if I didn’t have a match the day after of course.”

Meanwhile, fears are growing about the ailing Duke’s condition as reports are coming in that he has now gone three days in hospital without insulting any of the foreign staff.

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