Category Archives: Humour

Anti-Vaccine mum blames NHS for faulty diode in car’s alternator.

alternator

An alternator pictured last night. Notice how the MMR jab has completed fucked the commutator.

A 27-year-old mother of 5 from Whitechapel in East London has blamed the fact that her mother was given a smallpox vaccination in 1975 for a recent alternator fault on her Renault Megane which was found to be due to a faulty diode.

Mrs Mary Dell, a health food shop assistant, told us: “I put the blame for this firmly at the door of the NHS. If they hadn’t tried to make my mum autistic by giving her an injection to ward off smallpox none of this would have happened.

“They’re plain evil and won’t be happy until their so-called life-saving vaccines have turned all our kids into complete mongs and there’s not a properly functioning car left on the road.”

Avid homoeopathy practitioner, Mrs Dell’s children were taken into care last month after she persisted in treating their congenital liver disorders by making them eat boiled grass.

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Scottish women prepare to hang washing out as Storm Caroline upgraded to Cat 5 BabyCrusherThunderBastard

Celtic-fans

Scottish housewives pictured celebrating the Met Office upgrade last night

Women north of the border are looking forward to taking advantage of powerful storm force winds today after the Met Office upgraded Storm Caroline to a Category 5 BabyCrusherThunderBastard last night.

Mrs Tracy McDell, 24, from Maryhill in Glasgow told Dafty News: “This is great new fae me so it is. Ye dont get many guid dryin’ days like this yin promises tae be. When ye dae get a guid bit wind, it’s usually pissin’ doon with rain and aw. Aye, ah’ll be able tae get aw the kid’s stuff oot oan the line the day ah’m thinkin'”

Weathermen are warning people in Scotland to stay indoors when Caroline hits and to only venture outside for vital trips like going to the off-licence, or for a night out at the bingo.

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Middle-aged local man who attempted nimble hop onto pavement in front of pretty girl ruptures spleen

The Whitechapel Whelk

spleen Mr Dell’s spleen pictured in happier times during a recent holiday in Crete

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night after rupturing his spleen as he tried to hop nimbly from the road onto the pavement in front of an attractive young woman yesterday afternoon.

Toby Dell, a married man and father of 7, told The Whelk: “It was against my better judgement, but when I saw the girl looking in my direction, I attempted a carefree and nimble hop onto the pavement. I immediately felt this sharp pain and collapsed to the ground with a ruptured spleen.”

We managed to trace the girl concerned last night who told our reporter that Mr Dell “needs to grow up” and that, in her opinion, he was, “a fucking idiot”

This incident comes just a week after a 50-year-old man from Bethnal Green was killed when tried to vault…

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EXCLUSIVE: Deaths from shame overtakes cancer as America’s biggest killer

The Whitechapel Whelk

trump whelk bigly and bestThe United States Dept of Health has revealed that dying from shame has overtaken cancer as the biggest cause of death across the United States of America and draws direct parallels with the election of Donald Trump in 2016.

Latest studies indicate, that 1 in 3 Americans will be at risk of curling up behind the sofa and giving up the will to live during the remaining tenure of the Trump presidency, as opposed to 1 in 6 who will contract The Big C at some point in their lives.

A Department of Health spokesman said last night: “There was an initial sharp rise in shame-related deaths during the inauguration, with over 2 million Americans quietly succumbing to the humiliation of having a moronic, loud-mouthed sex offender as their commander in chief.

This figure has climbed steeply ever since, showing distinct peaks at a number of stages of President Trump’s…

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EDITORIAL: Whitechapel Whelk now being read by a tiny proportion of people in Vietnam.

The Whitechapel Whelk

peasant girlWe at The Whitechapel Whelk are happy to announce that we are now being read by somebody in the Indo-Chinese country of Vietnam.

We NEVER look at our stats as a general rule, as we regard the practice as a bit tragic and needy. However, yesterday, our sub-editor – who had been drinking quite heavily I hasten to add – drew it to our attention that somebody in Vietnam had read the piece we did, ripping the living piss out of self-published writers.

Personally, I like to think that it was a heavily pregnant peasant girl, toiling in a rice field under a burning sun, who, during a quick tea break, spotted the piece on her phone and had a little schadenfreude-based chuckle before giving birth to twins in the aforementioned field later that afternoon.

So, if you’ve ever been read by an impoverished worker from the 3rd world and would…

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BREAKING

whelk trump tax

In other news, the President reveals he has an invisible ass: “I can’t even find it with both hands” he tells Vladimir Putin

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Government announce plans to cull self-published writers

The Whitechapel Whelk

self published bookIn what is being seen in some quarters as a controversial move, the Home Secretary, Amber Rudd, last night announced a two-year plan that will see 8 million self-published writers trapped and humanely destroyed in a bid to stop the burgeoning number of people who are paying licenced bandits to have their abysmal copy shoved into a cheap paper jacket before being flogged on Amazon at some risibly optimistic price before being given away free a few weeks later with a subscription to a DIY magazine.

It is estimated that 99% of this output will be bought by a few family members and reluctant friends who will stick their hands in their pockets out of a mixture of pity and loyalty. The remaining 1% will be used as cheap draught-excluders by Scottish people.

Mrs Rudd told a late-night sitting in The Commons: “The self-publishing figures are growing out of control…

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