Category Archives: Humour

HARRISON FORD DYING FROM DUTCH ELM DISEASE

 

harrison

On his way out. Ford pictured clinging on by a thread last night

 

It was announced last night that, Hollywood legend, Harrison Ford, has Dutch Elm Disease and is not expected to last much beyond the new year.

Ford, 109, is famed for his wooden performances in over a thousand blockbuster movies, including the latest Star Wars epic, for which he received a sum equal to the national debt of Argentina.

A spokesperson for Pinewood Studios – named to commemorate Ford’s utterly inept performance in a film about the president of America on an aeroplane – said last night: “It is with great sadness that we announce the imminent death of our friend and benefactor, Harrison Ford. He is truly one of the good guys and a talented actor who could run the entire gamut of emotions from A to B. He will be greatly missed by his friends and bank manager alike”

Following his passing, Ford will be buried at sea with a 1-ton weight chained to his ankle to ensure that he doesn’t become a piece of driftwood and is washed up on a desert island a year or two later.

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BREAKING: Muslim terror gang hurl themselves at innocent white man’s van in Finsbury Park

The foul fiends!

The Whitechapel Whelk

Muslim-Brotherhood Some crazed Muslims pictured shouting the odds at a white van man the other day

Prime Minister Theresa May will chair an emergency meeting of COBRA later today as the nation reels from the news that a gang of radicalised Muslims last night hurled themselves at a white man’s van outside Finsbury Park mosque in North London.

Initial reports claim that the van was being driven by a 48-year-old Christian man who was probably on his way to visit his aged grandmother after spending the evening in prayer at his local church.

According to a Daily Mail reporter, who was drinking heavily in a nearby pub and who raced to the scene a couple of hours later, the attackers had crazed looks in their eyes and were yelling, “Allahu akbar” as they hurled themselves bodily at the front bumper of the van, causing at least £100 worth of damage.

An…

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DVD of England V Scotland World Cup clash receives muted reaction north of the border.

cullodon

Angry Scottish players surround the ref after a disputed penalty is awarded to England in the olden days

 
The DVD released by the English FA of last night’s World Cup clash between, “The Auld Enemies’, England and Scotland, which focuses almost entirely on England’s last-gasp equaliser and the reactions from England fans and coaching staff, has met with a less-than-enthusiastic response from soccer fans north of the border.
 
The 123-minute DVD, which features Harry Kane’s equalising goal and footage of jubilant England supporters at the final whistle, is padded out with a 2-hour documentary on England’s 1966 World Cup Final triumph over West Germany and features scientific proof that Martin Peters’ controversial third goal in the 4-2 triumph over the hapless Germans crossed the line by at least 3 feet.
 
One stockist of the DVD, Stephen Hamilton, who runs a small corner shop in Drumchapel, Glasgow, told us that sales of the DVD have been “a wee bit oan the slow side”
 
“I cannae tell ye exactly how many ah’ve sold because mah wee shop wus burrned doon in the night, so it wus”
 
In other news, Scottish hospitals reported a large influx of people suffering from heat exhaustion yesterday as the mercury soared to a blistering 4 deg Celcius in some of the more sheltered spots.

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Blogger’s book sales remain stagnant despite having added ‘Author’ to his pen name

The Whitechapel Whelk

A blogger on the popular WordPress website has told Soz Satire magazine that his self-published book sales have remained pitifully low, despite the fact that he has added the word ‘Author’ to his nom de plume.

Toby Author-Dell, 65, from Whitechapel in East London, told us: “When my self-published book was launched on Amazon in March this year I had such high hopes for its success.

“Hundreds of my WordPress followers had repeatedly told me of its merits in very glowing terms indeed, so my expectations of bumper sales were extremely high.

“However, it only sold 5 copies and those were to my wife and kids, and even they had to be bribed with a weeks holiday in The Algarve.

“I then noticed that a number of my fellow bloggers were adding a hyphenated description to their pen names, such as, novelist, poet, writer etc, so I decided to give…

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London reports record “Gawd Blimey!” outbreak in the wake of latest terror attack.

The Whitechapel Whelk

Cockneys_2-c-Museum-of-London A group of cowed and visibly shaken Londoners pictured last night after the attack

Following last night’s terror attack in the London Bridge area, London’s Mayor, Sadiq Khan, has told an emergency press conference, that in the hour following the attack the utterances of the exclamation “Gawd blimey” reached unprecedented levels.

Mayor Khan told newsmen: “It is now estimated that there were close to 5 million Gawd blimeys shortly after the attack.

“I urge my fellow Londoners to keep their Gawd blimeys to a minimum in the event of further attacks as we don’t want these terrorist johnnies to think we’re rattled.

“I would suggest that a single “Stroll on!” or a slightly surprised, “Strike a light!” would more than suffice in future.”

Unconfirmed reports are coming in to The Whelk, that in Whitechapel, exclamations of: “Fuck ’em”, and requests to: “Stick the bloody kettle on Treacle, I’ve got a…

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Olly Murs offered entire branch of Whitechapel Women’s Institute £5 to sit on his big face claims Chairwoman

The Whitechapel Whelk

olly memeThe Chairwoman of the Whitechapel branch of The Women’s Institute has made the shock claim, that, pop icon, Olly Murs, offered her five pounds in cash if she would arrange for the entire 200 strong branch to sit on his huge face simultaneously at his luxury flat in nearby Wapping.

Mrs Tracy Dell, 54, a housewife and former world speed crocheting champion, told The Whelk.

“Olly Murs approached me after a branch meeting last Wednesday and asked for a word in private.

“We went to a local teashop where he paid for a pot of tea and a plate of coconut macaroons.

“He seemed very nice at first and we chatted about cookery, needlecraft and dealing with persistent groupies.

“Then he offered me five pounds if I would arrange for the other ladies to come to his flat on Friday and sit on his massive face all at the same…

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Local man dismayed by the standard of the people that Facebook suggests he may know.

The Whitechapel Whelk

clive distorted Fed up. A visibly disappointed Mr Dell pictured last night

A 47-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he has become increasing alarmed by the appalling physical appearance of some of the people that Facebook post to his timeline under the heading of “People You May Know”

Toby Dell, a plasterer’s hod carrier, told us: “You wouldn’t believe the state of some of ’em. The women are probably the worst. I was treated to one the other day who looked as if she’d been repeatedly smashed in the face with a frying pan.

“Would it be too much to ask that they vet some of these people before plastering them all across my page?

“There was a young kid of about 10 on there the other day who was so rank I mistakenly took him for being ex-New York mayor, Rudi Giuliani”

Facebook issued a brief statement last night:…

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