Category Archives: Humor

My dead babies are with Catweasle now, says Syrian mother of slain family

 

catweasle

Catweasle pictured during happier times before he was pronounced dead last night

 

A 27-year-old Syrian woman, whose 5 children were killed during a Russian airstrike on a school close to her home in Damascus in March this year, has told of the comfort she has gained from the knowledge that her beloved young family have now been joined by the actor, Catweasle, who died last night at his home in Margate in Kent aged 104 following a short bout of illness.

Mrs Fatima Al-Nafissi whose children were aged between 4 and 10, wept as she told SoZ Satire: “My life was destroyed when my babies were taken. I lost all hope and was just existing from day to day, waiting for Allah to take me too so that I could be with them again.

“Then, last night on the news, I saw that Catweasle had died and it felt as if a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders.

“The knowledge that he is with my children now, watching over them, and maybe doing some of his magic tricks to make them smile is so comforting to me.

“Now, I feel ready to face life again and it’s all down to Catweasle being dead. I am truly blessed”

Later on today, Mrs Al-Nafissi will join thousands of other bereaved Syrian mothers in a minutes silence as they remember Catweasle and the role he played in all their lives and how his passing will bring them a semblance of comfort at last.

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1940s Movie Icons Who Are Lactating Heavily

THIS WEEK: Clark Gable

clark-gable-meme-2

NEXT WEEK: James Mason becomes flustered due to damp patches showing through his blouse at The British Film Awards bash.

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Silent Movie Stars With Bladder Control Issues #571

THIS WEEK: Greta Garbo.

garbo

NEXT WEEK: Dolores Costello experiences a fair bit of seepage while in a clinch with Ben Turpin.

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Deciphering Tricky Lyrics for Beginners

 

 

THIS WEEK: The Rolling Stones. “Rip This Joint”

Mop says yes. Pop says no. Meet me on fire ‘cos I gotta go.
Gonna raise hell at the uni whore.
Drive Marcel right over the wall
Rip this joint gotta save ya soul
Round and around and around Wiggo
Roll this joint gotta get down low
Stop my farting or gonna stop the show!

Yeah…oh yeah!

Bip bop bang with the immigration man
Let me have the sweeties to get the lamb
Chap the valley or Memphis stew or I’ll chomp that valley while your on the loo.
Dip that sow in the radio or I’ll snap your right wally and bum your ho.
Dip your twat and own DC while dancin’ on a ho for a shit with me
Ding, bing, just one thing
Oh no baby don’t you hear me sing?
Flip, flop, grip me cock!
Come on, let it rock!!!

Sax break… (steady!)

NEXT WEEK: We can’t make head nor tail of Jumping Jack Flash.

The Rolling Stones Perform Live In Sydney

Charlie’s good tonight aint he?

For “Touch” who likes this sorta stuff. 

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Love Cheat R2-D2 Turned Me Into Crazed Jihadist Claims Dusty Bin

Dusty Bin Laden - Blank Meme

3-2-1 game show legend, Dusty Bin, last night made the sensational claim that the promiscuous behaviour of his erstwhile lover, R2-D2, led to his radicalisation by Islamic extremists

Bin, who now wishes to be known as, Dusty Bin Laden, told The Whelk that Star Wars icon, D2, who died aged 39 last weekend, was a serial love cheat who had a string of clandestine affairs with a series of other screen robots. Bin told us that the diminutive droid boasted openly of bedding a number of Daleks, a cyberman, Robbie The Robot out of Lost in Space, and even, Wall-E, who he seduced during a family holiday to California.

Bin has now embraced Islam and has sworn to crush the infidel and to help establish Sharia Law across the world.

“I used to be a Baptist until R2 started sleeping around,” he told us. “Now, because of him, I won’t rest until myself and my Muslim brothers are marching in triumph over the twitching bodies of the slain infidels. Inshallah.”

Mr Bin has asked that his fee for this interview be donated to The London Sanctuary For Distressed Mad Mullahs

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Heavily-Edited Movie Classics: Rocky IV

rocky meme
 
Training Camp
 

Rocky: “Hey Apollo! You need to get your ass in better shape brother. Dat Russkie, Ivan Drago, he aint no bum of the month my friend”

Midway through the fight

Paulie: “He aint gonna make it Rock. He’s gettin’ killed in there! Dat lousy, commie sonofabitch is just too strong for him!”

Post fight

Rocky: “ADRIAAAAAAAAAN!”

A few months later inside a ring in Moscow

Drago: “I must break you”

BIFF! THUMP! BASH! SOCK! POW!  GNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! *Thud*

Crowd: ROCKY!…ROCKY!…ROCKY!

Rocky: ADRIAAAAAAAN!

The End.

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The SoZ Satire Mint Proudly Presents: The David Bowie Platinum Protein Pill of Hope

pill

We at The SoZ Satire Mint are delighted to offer you the chance to own this exquisite protein pill commemorating the passing of music legend, David Bowie, and made to look a bit like the one Major Tom was advised to take in Bowie’s classic hit: ‘Take YourProtein Pill and Put Your Helmet On’

Each pill has been lovingly machine-fashioned by Brazilian orphans in a corrugated iron shed in a Rio shanty town, and is made from authentic pig iron, painted silver to look like platinum.

We guarantee that every penny of your money will go directly to The SoZ Satire Mint and that no percentage of it will be going to a charity of your, nor indeed, anybody else’s choice.

Worth over 27 pence in raw materials alone, we are offering you this unmissable chance to pay homage to one of the great music and style icons of all time for just £3,567.89, payable in manageable installments of £1000 per week for 6 weeks or until we say stop.

To get your Protein Pill of Hope at some vague, unspecified time in the future, send your bank details, debit/credit card + PIN and house keys to:

The SoZ Satire Mint
The Crown and Anchor
22 Shit Street
Bermondsey
London

DISCLAIMER: I’m a vulnerable, gullible halfwit who reacted to Bowie’s passing as if I’d just learned that my granny had been shot in the back. I realise that I will receive absolutely nothing by return of post – not now, nor at any time in the future, and that any complaint from myself or my representative will result in my being attacked in the street by a SoZ Satire strongarm merchant. I have no mob connections and I do not possess a firearm.
signed…

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