Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, last night hit back furiously at disgraced UK international development secretary, Priti Patel, after she gave him a paltry 1-star rating on holiday site, TripAdvisor.
Patel, who was forced to resign on Wednesday following a number of meetings with Netanyahu and other prominent Israeli political figures, slammed the venue for the meeting as, “filthy and unhygienic, with cockroaches in the bedroom, noisy air conditioning, and no plug for the bathtub”
She also criticised, the Israeli premier for being “surly and unhelpful” when she asked if she could have an ironing board, and for being “miles from the beach with a gruelling uphill walk to get back to the conference room from the town”
Giving Netanyahu a 1-star rating, she advised future travellers to: “give him a miss and find a political figure that’s actually worth the money”
Netanyahu responded furiously last night: “This lady needs to understand that you get what you pay for in the holiday business. If it’s 5-star luxury she’s after I suggest she spends a fortnight with Denis Skinner”
It is believed that Patel will now be considering her options during a short break to Sarah Palin.
Catweasle pictured during happier times before he was pronounced dead last night
A 27-year-old Syrian woman, whose 5 children were killed during a Russian airstrike on a school close to her home in Damascus in March this year, has told of the comfort she has gained from the knowledge that her beloved young family have now been joined by the actor, Catweasle, who died last night at his home in Margate in Kent aged 104 following a short bout of illness.
Mrs Fatima Al-Nafissi whose children were aged between 4 and 10, wept as she told SoZ Satire: “My life was destroyed when my babies were taken. I lost all hope and was just existing from day to day, waiting for Allah to take me too so that I could be with them again.
“Then, last night on the news, I saw that Catweasle had died and it felt as if a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders.
“The knowledge that he is with my children now, watching over them, and maybe doing some of his magic tricks to make them smile is so comforting to me.
“Now, I feel ready to face life again and it’s all down to Catweasle being dead. I am truly blessed”
Later on today, Mrs Al-Nafissi will join thousands of other bereaved Syrian mothers in a minutes silence as they remember Catweasle and the role he played in all their lives and how his passing will bring them a semblance of comfort at last.
THIS WEEK: Clark Gable
NEXT WEEK: James Mason becomes flustered due to damp patches showing through his blouse at The British Film Awards bash.
THIS WEEK: Greta Garbo.
NEXT WEEK: Dolores Costello experiences a fair bit of seepage while in a clinch with Ben Turpin.
Filed under Humor, Humour
THIS WEEK: The Rolling Stones. “Rip This Joint”
Mop says yes. Pop says no. Meet me on fire ‘cos I gotta go.
Gonna raise hell at the uni whore.
Drive Marcel right over the wall
Rip this joint gotta save ya soul
Round and around and around Wiggo
Roll this joint gotta get down low
Stop my farting or gonna stop the show!
Bip bop bang with the immigration man
Let me have the sweeties to get the lamb
Chap the valley or Memphis stew or I’ll chomp that valley while your on the loo.
Dip that sow in the radio or I’ll snap your right wally and bum your ho.
Dip your twat and own DC while dancin’ on a ho for a shit with me
Ding, bing, just one thing
Oh no baby don’t you hear me sing?
Flip, flop, grip me cock!
Come on, let it rock!!!
Sax break… (steady!)
NEXT WEEK: We can’t make head nor tail of Jumping Jack Flash.
Charlie’s good tonight aint he?
For “Touch” who likes this sorta stuff.
Filed under Humor, Humour
Bin, who now wishes to be known as, Dusty Bin Laden, told The Whelk that Star Wars icon, D2, who died aged 39 last weekend, was a serial love cheat who had a string of clandestine affairs with a series of other screen robots. Bin told us that the diminutive droid boasted openly of bedding a number of Daleks, a cyberman, Robbie The Robot out of Lost in Space, and even, Wall-E, who he seduced during a family holiday to California.
Bin has now embraced Islam and has sworn to crush the infidel and to help establish Sharia Law across the world.
“I used to be a Baptist until R2 started sleeping around,” he told us. “Now, because of him, I won’t rest until myself and my Muslim brothers are marching in triumph over the twitching bodies of the slain infidels. Inshallah.”
Mr Bin has asked that his fee for this interview be donated to The London Sanctuary For Distressed Mad Mullahs
Rocky: “Hey Apollo! You need to get your ass in better shape brother. Dat Russkie, Ivan Drago, he aint no bum of the month my friend”
Midway through the fight
Paulie: “He aint gonna make it Rock. He’s gettin’ killed in there! Dat lousy, commie sonofabitch is just too strong for him!”
A few months later inside a ring in Moscow
Drago: “I must break you”
BIFF! THUMP! BASH! SOCK! POW! GNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! *Thud*