Category Archives: Comedy

Trump goes to bed at 5.30 and reads to his ‘blanky’ until it’s time for sleepies at 6.00 claims Steve Bannon.

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Donald Trump’s former close friend and political advisor, Steve Bannon, has sensationally disclosed that the president habitually has a light snack at around 4.00pm, usually a boiled egg with soldiers or a round of white toast and Nutella, before saying goodnight to White House staff and going to bed at 5.30.

Trump then reads to his comfort blanky – usually passages from his favourite book, Budgie The Little Helicopter by The Duchess of York – and then snuggles down for his ‘sleepies’ at around 6.00am.

Bannon also reveals that Trump keeps the door locked from the inside in case his wife Melania comes in and demands, ‘special huggles’, a practice he has always found particularly difficult according to close family and friends.

Trump is reportedly furious at these revelations and took to Twitter in the early hours: “The failing loser Steve Bannon has it wrong yet again. Last night I stayed up to watch Bonanza at 8.00pm and didn’t go to bed with Blanky until half past. Also, I didn’t read Budgie last night. We had, Five Go To Smuggler’s Cove instead. Although, I had to stop at the scary bits in case Blanky did panty plops in the night again. Sad!”

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Scottish women prepare to hang washing out as Storm Caroline upgraded to Cat 5 BabyCrusherThunderBastard

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Scottish housewives pictured celebrating the Met Office upgrade last night

Women north of the border are looking forward to taking advantage of powerful storm force winds today after the Met Office upgraded Storm Caroline to a Category 5 BabyCrusherThunderBastard last night.

Mrs Tracy McDell, 24, from Maryhill in Glasgow told Dafty News: “This is great new fae me so it is. Ye dont get many guid dryin’ days like this yin promises tae be. When ye dae get a guid bit wind, it’s usually pissin’ doon with rain and aw. Aye, ah’ll be able tae get aw the kid’s stuff oot oan the line the day ah’m thinkin'”

Weathermen are warning people in Scotland to stay indoors when Caroline hits and to only venture outside for vital trips like going to the off-licence, or for a night out at the bingo.

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Netanyahu hits back after Priti Patel 1-star rating on TripAdvisor

Benjamin-Netanyahu

Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, last night hit back furiously at disgraced UK international development secretary, Priti Patel, after she gave him a paltry 1-star rating on holiday site, TripAdvisor.

Patel, who was forced to resign on Wednesday following a number of meetings with Netanyahu and other prominent Israeli political figures, slammed the venue for the meeting as, “filthy and unhygienic, with cockroaches in the bedroom, noisy air conditioning, and no plug for the bathtub”

She also criticised, the Israeli premier for being “surly and unhelpful” when she asked if she could have an ironing board, and for being “miles from the beach with a gruelling uphill walk to get back to the conference room from the town”

Giving Netanyahu a 1-star rating, she advised future travellers to: “give him a miss and find a political figure that’s actually worth the money”

Netanyahu responded furiously last night: “This lady needs to understand that you get what you pay for in the holiday business. If it’s 5-star luxury she’s after I suggest she spends a fortnight with Denis Skinner”

It is believed that Patel will now be considering her options during a short break to Sarah Palin.

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Gary ‘Pramface’ Hoadley: Adult Baby And London Gangland Enforcer

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Smudge by Mina

Dear Gary

I’m an elderly widow, living alone in a small flat in Silvertown, East London. Last week, my landlord told me that he was going to double my rent because property values in this area are at an all-time high and that he wasn’t getting ‘a fair whack’ out of me, to use his own words.

The trouble is Gary, I’m already struggling to survive on my old age pension and regularly have to wrap myself up in blankets to stay warm. As for food, I have to buy the very cheapest cuts and will often make a small joint of gammon or a bit of brisket last me the whole week.

I’m so worried by all this and can’t sleep at nights for fear of being evicted and having to live on the streets. I don’t think I’d be able to manage at my time of life you see.

So I’d be ever so grateful if you could give me some advice dear. I used to know your mum when I was younger you know. She was a lovely girl and we had so many good times together back in the old days.

Thanks ever so much dear.

Violet Cornell

**********************************

Dear Violet.

As a gangland enforcer and adult baby, I hear many sad stories like yours my lovely and always try to help whenever I can. I went round to see your landlord last night, and after I’d nailed him to the cupboard under the stairs and shoved petrol-soaked rags up both nostrils, he saw the injustice of it all and has kindly agreed to not only allow you to live in your flat rent free, but has also assured me that he will be personally delivering a well-stocked food hamper, full of luxury items, to your door every Friday night without fail. I hope this puts your mind at rest sweetheart, and if you’re ever upset or worried about anything in future, you make sure you let me know ok?

By the way, I remember you when I was a little nipper Violet. You used to look after me sometimes while mum went down the shops. I shouldn’t be at all surprised if you didn’t used to change my nappy from time to time. Of course, now that I’m 54 years old I have to pay a prostitute to do it.

All the very best for the future Treacle

Your pal

Gary x

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London Gems Heist: Police To Question Youthful Satirist After Discarded Jokes Found At Scene

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Dee, 19, pictured outside his East End council flat two days after the robbery

Officers from Scotland Yard’s Flying Squad have revealed that they wish to question a young satirical magazine editor following the discovery of a number of scraps of paper, containing ideas for humorous skits, scattered amongst debris left behind by the robbers of the Hatton Garden Safe Deposit Company last week.

The robbery, carried out over the Easter weekend, is now believed to be the most lucrative heist in British history, netting the gang an estimated 200 million pounds in jewelry and other valuables.

A metropolitan police insider has revealed that police wish to question Clivey Dee aka Danny Soz, the 19-year-old editor of the largely unheard-of, Soz Satire magazine, who already has a number of convictions for armed robbery, fraud and safe breaking, despite his tender years.

We tried to contact Dee at his ramshackle office in Whitechapel East London last night but were told by his PA and former cellmate, Gary Hoadley, 87, that he was out of the country and wouldn’t be returning until “the scream’s off a bit”

We eventually tracked the youthful, convicted felon and creator of Archie Pampers: Adult Baby, Ted Threesome: Sexually Insane Gardening Consultant and Menopausal Meg: Hormonal Agony Aunt From Hades, to a luxury villa on the paradise island of St Kitts, from where he strenuously denied any involvement in the heist.

“You must be joking!” he said. “Why on earth would a 19-year-old, satirist like me with his whole life ahead of him pull a stroke like that? You do realise I’ve just picked up two more followers on WordPress don’t you? And that was without me having to tell a pack of lies about admiring the wonderful quality of their work too! There’s just no way I’d jeopardise success like that for a few million smackers. I actually had somebody from America giving me a ‘like’ just seconds after publishing a skit the other day! Money can’t buy a result like that lads”

Dee then cut short the interview, explaining that it was time for his champagne jacuzzi and that he didn’t want to keep his bevy of topless, dusky hand-maidens waiting.

The East London Gazette

Graphic by the fabulously wealthy, and recently retired, Artful Dodger.

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Mob Attacks Satirical Magazine Offices As Wave Of Apathy Turns Nasty

Soz Offices

The plush, Soz Satire Office, looking resplendent, shortly before being attacked by a baying mob

A baying mob of over 200 furious bookworms and newsagents last night stormed the offices of the controversial satirical magazine, Soz Satire, following the launch of their eagerly anticipated, Halloween edition.

Wielding burning torches, pitchforks and assault rifles, the mob entered the building just before midnight, smashing everything they could get their hands on and setting fire to the office cat. First reports claim that thousands of pounds of improvements were made.

The reaction to the new issue wasn’t all bad though, as we discovered when we randomly interviewed a number of passers-by last night:

“I found the new Halloween edition thought provoking, insightful, mildly educational and searingly erotic. My only complaint is that there’s no facility for “liking” or commenting” – Clivey Dee

“I was released from prison earlier this morning, and used the new Halloween edition to jemmy open the door of a local jewellers. I’ll definitely be buying the November issue” – Gary Hoadley #128648634

“I read the Halloween issue in the billiard room and to my surprise my wife Shirley bought me up a selection of cold cuts with various delicious relishes and a bottle of vintage Krug without me having to beat her” – Mike Steeden

“I was a sickly shell of a man with no stamina or zest for life, and whose libido was virtually non-existent until I read the brilliant new Halloween edition. Now I’m running a thriving bawdy house in Rotherham where I’m pimping for 25 bitches, twelve of whom I’ve made pregnant. Thanks Soz Satire” – Inchcock

“I used to live in the Caribbean hell-hole of Curacao, cavorting daily with a variety of dusky young lovelies, who would peel my grapes and fan me with their pants. Now thanks to the Halloween issue of Soz Satire I have a one bedroom studio apartment in Pyong Yang where I spend my days masturbating to pictures of Trotsky and listening to Lulu records” – Lenny Van Ree

“Nothing I can say about the fabulous new Halloween edition will carry any weight as I’m named after a dingy area of South London. I bet it’s really great though!…especially my skit!” – Mic Norbury

“I’m not in this issue because I sent my copy in too late, so it’s probably really shit. I bet it picks up next week when my skit about taking a dump gets published though!” – Bill Jago

“My graphics and artwork was the laughing stock of the entire United Kingdom until I picked up a copy of the brilliantly illustrated, Soz Satire Halloween edition. Now I’ve been nominated for the Turner Prize and have been asked to turn out for Sheffield United Ladies in their forthcoming FA cup third round tussle with Manchester City” – The Artful Dodger

To get your copy of the scintillating and life-changing Halloween issue simply click this link and we guarantee your whole world will start rocking almost immediately…in all probability.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

SOZ Satire - Ocotober 2014

No blacks, Irish, Staffordshire Bull Terriers or Millwall fans.

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UKIP Leader Farrage Interns German Wife In Shed

farrage with b&w minstrels

Farrage pictured last night inspecting the contents of his attic

 

Leader of the right wing United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farrage, last night revealed that he has interned his German born wife, Kirsten, in the garden shed at their home in Surrey.

Farrage, 75, told reporters “It was a tough decision to make but I felt it was the right thing to do for the country. The kids are a little upset admittedly, but I’ve explained to them that it was probably only a matter of time before mummy went out and took somebody’s job or committed a sexual offence of some description. To be perfectly honest I had no idea she was German when I married her. I asked her why she had a funny accent of course but she told me it was because she was from Sheffield”

Farrage then became agitated and slammed the door when reporters questioned him about the recent disappearance of a number of local Indian takeaway delivery men and the lynching of a 60 year old Italian waiter from a bistro in nearby Dorking.

Reuters

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