Author Archives: SoZ Satire

About SoZ Satire

Freelance satirist, humorist and time-served pain in the arseist. London born and bred - a twist of fate brought about by the vile cavortings of my lust-fuelled parents

Harry and Meghan’s newborn has 1 in 100 chance of becoming a crazed axe-murderer, says Daily Mail

The Whitechapel Whelk

harry and they bred a monster? Harry and Meghan striking a demonic pose for snappers earlier

In a shocking and hard-hitting editorial yesterday, the Daily Mail newspaper has revealed that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s latest child has a one in a hundred chance of becoming a psychotic monster, that will at some point run amok with an axe, slaughtering every living creature in its path.

In its editorial yesterday, The Mail pointed to largely discredited statistics provided by a controversial American psychiatrist in 1953 which vaguely suggest that one per cent of the world’s population may display psychopathic tendencies on occasion.

Despite worldwide scepticism and condemnation of the findings by psychiatric bodies worldwide, The Mail points out: “This study is spot-on as far as we are concerned and the British public need to be aware that The Sussexes have potentially unleashed a killer onto the streets of this nation.

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Syrian villagers send sympathy message to Brits unable to go on holiday.

The Whitechapel Whelk

syrian_civil_warA Bermondsey man comforts a distraught neighbour who has just learned that Torremolinos has been moved into the red zone.

A remote village in war-torn Syria has sent a message of support and sympathy to the people of Great Britain who find themselves unable to enjoy a fortnight’s holiday on a sunny beach this year due to the covid-19 health emergency.

Asawi al Hab, a small village on the border with Lebanon, has been shelled and attacked by government forces, backed by Russian airpower, five times during the last six months, killing or injuring more than half of the population.

Speaking to our foreign correspondent, a doctor in a local hospital, said: “It’s been pretty terrible here for a number of years now.

“Until fairly recently, we were under the brutal rule of Islamic State, and then after they were driven out, our own government started bombing us. It’s hard…

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Slain shop worker who varied speed of floor polisher ‘had it coming’, says accused local man

The Whitechapel Whelk

floor polisherA 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told an Old Bailey jury that he killed an employee in his local Lidl supermarket by beating him over the head with a can of corned beef after the worker had annoyed him by varying the speed of his floor polishing machine as he approached from behind.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Commercial Street, told the court.

“I was walking along the fruit and veg aisle when I heard the humming of the polishing machine behind me.

“I immediately became annoyed because I realised that I would have to manoeuvre my trolley to one side of the aisle to allow this individual to get past.

“However, instead of just getting it over with, he kept pushing the machine fairly close and then slowing down again.

“I took this as a deliberate attempt to harass me and turned around to confront the man and have…

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Self-published author’s ‘journey’ ends in steamroller tragedy.

The Whitechapel Whelk

rubbishYes, we expect it probably does

A 54-year-old man with over twenty self-published novels to his name was killed yesterday when he fell in front of a steamroller in Commercial Street in Spitalfields.

Jonathon Carter, a tyre-fitter from Thrawl Street, lost his footing and fell heavily into the road and into the path of the oncoming steamroller which was engaged in resurfacing work.

His wife, Cherie, 52, told us: “He loved his writing and was forever telling people that he was on a literary journey.

“Unfortunately, that journey came to an end when he fell under the steamroller.

“On the bright side, I didn’t have to get up from my armchair when they brought his body home. I just asked them to slip him underneath the front door”

It is estimated that by the year 2045, everyone in the UK will be a self-published author with at least two examples…

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Local girl found dead following gently corrective toe-trainer humiliation

The Whitechapel Whelk

toeA toe-trainer pictured last night

A 19-year-old Whitechapel woman took her own life after her boyfriend launched a bitter attack when he discovered that she was using a gently corrective toe-trainer to straighten a defective little toe that was slightly out of alignment with the one next to it.

The deceased girl, Cherie Carter, a beautician from Thrawl Street, was founded hanged in her bedroom at the weekend.

She had previously told a friend that her boyfriend reacted furiously when he discovered the device on the bedroom floor after spending the night with her last Monday.

Tracy Dell, 18, from Commercial Street, told The Whelk: “When Cherie’s fella found the toe-trainer he went ballistic apparently.

“According to Cherie, he was a bit of a weirdo with a thing for women’s feet and I suppose the realisation that she needed an artificial aid to keep hers in shape was a big…

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COVID UPDATE: Yorkshire variant causes spate of overfamiliarity with strangers and thrift with money

The Whitechapel Whelk

yorkshireA suspected Yorkshire covid victim pictured leaving his doctor’s surgery last night

The so-called, Yorkshire variant of covid-19 that has recently emerged in Yorkshire and Humberside, with around 50 cases thus far identified, may have spread to the south of the country, in particular East London, where a number of people have been behaving in an overly familiar manner with complete strangers as well as becoming extremely careful with money – all tell-tale traits of the new variant.

We spoke to one woman from Whitechapel in the heart of London’s East End who suspects that her husband contracted the new strain during a visit to Sheffield in his capacity as a lorry driver.

Tracy Dell, 52, told us: “I first suspected my husband, Toby, has this Yorkshire covid when he started chatting in a friendly manner with complete strangers while we were waiting for the bus.

“He’s now started being…

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Dolly Parton’s husband used her warbling throat to make smoothies, says former housemaid

The Whitechapel Whelk

dollyDolly and Carl pictured earlier

A 63-year-old woman who worked as a housemaid for country and western legend, Dolly Parton, has told a Whelk reporter that she often saw Parton’s husband, Carl Dean, placing glasses of milk containing bananas, strawberries and other soft fruits against his wife’s neck while she practised her singing at their home in Nashville, Tennessee, as a money-saving method of making smoothies.

Mary Carter, also from Nashville, told us: “I saw Mr Parton do it a lot.

“He was a bit of a health nut and loved his smoothies.

“He told me he saved around a hundred dollars a year using this method.

“He had to be careful though because if he held the glass against her throat during some of the real wobbly-sounding songs like Jolene, the milk used to froth up too much and would spill over down the sides”

In 1993, a former…

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Local Lion-Tamer Eaten Alive On First Working Day After Furlough

The Whitechapel Whelk

lion-tamer-1861-grangerHappier times. Dell puts Dave through his paces just prior to the second lockdown

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has been mauled and then eaten by a circus lion that he was attempting to tame in his backyard.

Toby Dell, a lion-tamer for 22 years, had just returned to work after being furloughed during the health crisis by Sofia Dee’s Circus, his employers for the last 10 years.

Dell’s wife, Tracy, 52, who found her husband’s remains, told The Whelk: “Toby was really excited about going back to work after a long lay-off and decided to get some lion-taming practice in with our own pet lion, Dave, who lives in a converted shed in our back garden

“I came home from shopping and found some of Toby’s bones strewn around the yard along with his tunic and boots that Dave must have spat out after eating him.

“I’d forgotten to give…

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Ask Tinfoil Twat: The Wild-Eyed Conspiracy Whackjob You Can Trust

The Whitechapel Whelk

tinfoil twat

Dear Tinfoil Twat

My wife and I have been offered our first covid jab, and while we’re mindful of the benefits for ourselves and others, we’re still slightly concerned by some of these vaccine scare stories we’ve been seeing on Facebook.

Any advice or reassurance you can give will be most welcome,

Thank you and stay safe

Tracy Dell
12 Thrawl Street
Spitalfields E1

Dear Tracy

You have every right to be concerned by what the Israeli-controlled Illuminati are trying to do to your body and mind.

Tom Hanks, Jeff Bezos and Phil Mitchell out of Eastenders are hellbent on taking control of your mind via this pork-enriched vaccine and I’d give it a complete miss if I were you.

Only yesterday, a woman on my Facebook friends list complained of sores on the soles of her feet following a long hike in the country.

She was putting it down…

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Right-Wing Couple Engage In Race War Following African Link Revelation

The Whitechapel Whelk

mike and shirleySteeden and Blamey in happier times before finding out that they both had a touch of the tar brush

An extreme right-wing couple have been attacking each other with racist slurs since discovering that all of mankind can trace its roots back to the African continent.

Mike Steeden, 80, and his 40-year-old partner, Shirley Blamey, have been locked in a bitter race war since reading about man’s links to Africa in The Guardian newspaper.

The pair, have been racially abusing one another online and have even been taunting one another with monkey chants when one of them enters a room.

Steeden, a retired caretaker from Kentish Town in West London, told us: “We used to get on like a house on fire before I found out she was basically as black as the ace of spades.

“Now, I avoid being in the same room and don’t allow her to cook…

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