Monthly Archives: January 2020

Brexit woman ‘gutted’ as commemorative tea towel disintegrates during first wash

brexit busA 54-year-old woman from the north of England has expressed her dismay after the commemorative Brexit tea towel she had bought just days earlier fell to bits in the washing machine during its maiden wash.

Amanda Dann, a housewife and mother of two from Leeds, told the Yorkshire Post newspaper: “I was gutted when my Brexit tea towel fell to bits.

“It was a really nice one too with pictures of Nigel Farage and British bulldogs on it.

“It wasn’t cheap either. I paid fifty pounds for it from an online company called, The White Crusaders.co.uk.

“They told me that half the money would be given to a pressure group dedicated to driving all the blacks into the sea.

“I can only assume it was made abroad. Probably Africa or one of those other EU countries.”

When it was pointed out to Mrs Dann that the product was manufactured in…

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Prince Andrew Bombshell: I was in a Whitechapel pie and mash shop when FBI tried to contact me

kellysBeleaguered royal, Prince Andrew, has claimed that he was in a pie and mash shop in East London when the FBI were trying to gain his assistance with their investigation into his close friend, the late Jacob Epstein and his links to sex trafficking.

A spokesman for Prince Andrew said last night: “His Royal Highness wishes for it to be known that he was in Kelly’s pie and mash shop in Whitechapel High Street during the entire time the Bureau were trying to contact him.

“He had pie, double mash and liquor with fruit pie and custard for afters.

“Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a receipt so you’ll just have to take our word for it.”

We spoke to the shop’s owner, Bill Kelly last night who denied that Prince Andrew was in his eaterie at the time: “No mate”, he told us. “I’d have remembered something like that

“Mind you…

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Susanna Reid to be made a saint in recognition of Piers Morgan ordeal

susannaIn what many are seeing as a surprise move, the Roman Catholic church last night announced that the Good Morning Britain tv show presenter, Susanna Reid, is to be beatified and then canonised as a saint in recognition of the suffering she has endured since 2014 when she was joined on the sofa by motor-mouthed irritant, Piers Morgan, following the retirement of show stalwart, Bill Turnbull

A spokesman for The Holy See in Rome told newsmen: “Our sister in Christ, Susanna, has suffered cruelly during her stint with Morgan, and in view of this, The Holy Father has seen fit to put her forward for sainthood in recognition of her long and psychologically painful ordeal.

“Quite how she stops herself from shooting the man in the face is beyond me, and now the church feels she deserves to be worshipped and revered for eternity in recognition of her forbearance and…

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Piers Morgan killed in walrus-style battle with Eamonn Holmes

walrusMorgan pictured during happier times sunning himself on Southend beach

Controversial TV presenter and journalist, Piers Morgan, was killed earlier this morning in a bloody fight with fellow morning TV show host, Eamonn Holmes, after the two heavyweights clashed in an ITV carpark in a walrus-style fight to the death.

Holmes and Morgan were seen rearing up and smashing their upper bodies into each other, opening huge bloody wounds with their teeth and tie pins.

Witnesses said that the sickening impacts of their huge bloated bodies could be heard from surrounding offices as hundreds of workers watched the grim life or death struggle.

After a gruelling 5 -hour battle, Morgan eventually wilted and fell lifeless under a barrage of headbutts and body blows from his 400lb rival.

According to onlookers, Holmes then emitted a series of deafening roars and bellowed in triumph over the body of his fallen rival.

The…

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Harry and Meghan step back from royal duties to form mixed tag wrestling team

harryGive a girl a grapple? Harry and Meghan pictured in church last Tuesday

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex stunned the media and royal watchers alike last night when they made the joint announcement that they are stepping away from their royal duties to form a tag wrestling duo that will compete in the resurgent British professional wrestling league.

Speaking to newsmen last night, Meghan, resplendent in wrestling trunks and ring boots, with Harry at her side in just a jewelled leotard, said: “My husband and I have decided to withdraw from the media spotlight to concentrate on becoming the world champeens of tag wrestling.

“We’ve always been massive fans of the sport and often spend Saturday afternoons watching archive footage of the wrestling on World of Sport in the olden days with Kent Walton as commentator.

“My favourite is Giant Haystacks but Harry likes Mick McManus and Kendo Nagasaki.

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Local man falls in love with suction hook

hookA 54-year-old man has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he has fallen deeply in love with a small green suction hook given to his wife as a gift and that he won’t rest until he has made the item his for all eternity.

Toby Dell, a carpet-fitter from Dock Street, told us: “As soon as I laid eyes on that hook I was in its spell

I know it sounds crazy but I fell and I fell hard. It made me feel like no other household item has ever done before.

“Its lime-coloured plastic coating and the subtle curve of its suction base set my senses on fire, sending pulses of hot blood racing through my body.

“When my wife stuck it to the tiles behind the kitchen sink and hung the dishcloth on it, I almost lost control.

“The overwhelming desire to fondle myself while running my hands over…

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