Monthly Archives: December 2019

Government presses for royal belt-tightening as Queen spends £13.50 in public house

Queens_Head_pub_sign,_Wolverley_-_geograph.org.uk_-_777768

A government financial body has urged the royal household to kerb excessive spending as it was revealed that The Queen, accompanied by Prince Philip, spent £13.75 last Saturday night in a local pub close to Sandringham where the couple are spending the festive season.

The House Of Commons Accounts Committee issued a statement last night strongly criticising the use of public funds by Her Majesty, on what they describe as, “frivolous jaunts”

The report alleges that The Queen splashed out £13.50 on 2 pints of light and bitter and a Sambuca “Depth Charge” cocktail, while the Duke spent almost £30 on pints of snakebite

Her Majesty then went on to play 3 games of bar billiards with her husband, costing 50p a frame.

The Committee’s statement also made the claim that Prince Philip had a number of unsuccessful goes on the fruit machine costing a further £3.

A spokesperson for…

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Local man filled with hope for nail fungus relief following Boxing Day spam mail ‘miracle’

spamA 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London felt an overwhelming sense of hope and joy after a spam email he opened in the early hours of Boxing Day contained the promise of lasting relief from the misery of toenail fungus.

Toby Dell, a meat porter from Dock Street, told The Whelk that he wept with joy after spotting the item amongst 60 other spam mails, which included Pinterest notifications and invites to meet mature Russian women for no-strings friendships.

“I’ve been plagued with toenail fungus on and off since childhood so this piece of junk mail is nothing short of a miracle” he reveals.

“When I read that it was offering me prolonged relief from the condition I don’t mind admitting that I broke down and wept with joy

“I’ve now ordered a full course of treatment which involves creams and a course of tablets for only £75 per…

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I’ll wed Queen when Philip’s dead: David Beckham’s shock vow

becks

Becks and The Queen pictured at this year’s Royal Variety Performance

In a surprise move, soccer legend, David Beckham, has revealed that when Prince Philip dies he will divorce his wife, Victoria, and marry the widowed monarch as long as he is crowned King as part of the deal

Speaking to Men’s Health magazine, Becks, 67, said: “Let’s face it, Prince Philip’s in shit state these days and looks pretty likely to topple off the perch at some point in the very near future.

“I’m therefore going to divorce my missus and step into the void left by the Duke.

“I realise it’s a lot of responsibility and that I’ll have to open art galleries and shit like that, but it’ll be worth it to become the 2nd King David after that bloke in the Bible.

“I’m just hoping The Queen won’t expect me to have sex with her too often.

“I mean to say, she’s getting on a bit these days and is way past her best, although I would definitely have given her one in her younger days, if I didn’t have a match the day after of course.”

Meanwhile, fears are growing about the ailing Duke’s condition as reports are coming in that he has now gone three days in hospital without insulting any of the foreign staff.

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Corbyn beat me up in the toilets: Boris Johnson’s shock claim

corby Opposition bleeder: Corbyn pictured shortly before battering Johnson

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, told newsmen last night that defeated opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, attacked him in a House of Commons lavatory last week leaving him bruised and bleeding from a gaping head wound.

Johnson, who had just delivered his opening address to The Commons following his thumping election win last Thursday, told reporters: “After my speech, I needed to visit the toilet and excused myself from the chamber.

“I was standing at the urinal when Corbyn flew in, cursing and calling me all the names under the sun.

“He slammed my head against the tiles and then started raining punches on me as I collapsed to the ground.

“He then went in with the boot, delivering a number of kicks to my head and lower back.

“I was in awful pain and begged him to stop, but he just shouted that…

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Trump Tax Return Sensation

BREAKING: Beleaguered US President Donald Trump last night caved in to pressure and gave a copy of his long-awaited tax return to newsmen.

trump taxBoy, I bet he’s glad to get that off his chest at last. It can’t be easy running a country with invisible airplanes when the IRS boys are chasing your ass 24/7. Especially when you’re in constant and bigly pain from bonespurs – Ed

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Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing court told

tissuesA 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a stint of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he had ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in July this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“All of a sudden my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated on the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in…

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Local man visibly slavers during machine gun fantasy about noisy supermarket family

tommy gun

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man found himself salivating during a trip to his local Lidl supermarket as he fantasised about scything down a noisy family in the shop with an old fashioned Tommy Gun.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, had to wipe flecks of drool from his chin as he mentally pumped the family of four with bullets during a sustained burst of gunfire.

Speaking to The Whelk, Mr Dell said: “This family had been annoying me from the moment I entered the shop

“The mother had a voice like a foghorn, the father wasn’t much better and the kids were screaming and shouting and running amok in the aisles.

“I just couldn’t seem to shake them off. Every aisle I visited they were there.

These people are the scum of the earth and deserve to die like the lowlife feral garbage that they truly are.

“When I got to…

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Pie & Eel Records Present:

prince andrew sings

“An extremely shifty triumph – Melody Maker

“A masterpiece of entitled lying and waffling” – NME

“Uneasy listening” – Mother & Baby Monthly

“Who the f**k is he trying to kid? – The Archbishop of Canterbury

“A little pizza musical heaven” – Pun World

Available in a seedy, mucky book shop near you and also on the dark web.

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