Northern woman soaks up Sheffield floods with breakfast biscuit

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A 21-year-old woman from Sheffield in South Yorkshire was being hailed as a heroine last night after a stale Weetabix breakfast biscuit she tossed out the kitchen window absorbed over 30 million gallons of floodwater, saving the ‘Steel City’ from certain destruction.

Cherie ‘Wee Wee’ Kirby, a married mother of 12 and ex-prop forward for Wigan Warriors, told newsmen from outside her home in Dell Street last night: “I noticed the Weetabic (sic) in bottom of t’  box and could see it were reet stale.

“I chucked it out winder, and, to my surprise, it soaked oop all t’ bloody flood water.

“I were reet shocked ah don’t mind telling thee, but it were a reet grand result for all that”

Weetabix has been found by scientists to be the most absorbent and enduring substance on the planet with the ability to soak up 300 gallons of warm milk in 0.45 seconds, after which it will achieve the hardness of carbon steel and will need to be removed from the sides of the breakfast bowl with an industrial, high grit angle-grinder

Ms Kirby was last night celebrating with friends and neighbours who carried her shoulder-high to the nearby Ferret and Trousers public house for what her husband, Ian, 97, described as: “A reet good skinful”.

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