Monthly Archives: September 2019

Jacob Rees-Mogg/Ann Widdecombe, saucy imagery cured my ‘hair-trigger’ sex problem says local man

jacob ann widdecombe Rees-Mogg and Widdecombe pictured putting people off sex for life last night

A 30-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that conjuring up imagery of right-wing MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg, having sex with Brexit Party figurehead and former Strictly Come Dancing contestant, Ann Widdecombe, has been a major factor in overcoming the chronic premature ejaculation issues that have dogged him since his late teens.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Commercial Street, told us: “I’ve never been able to satisfy a woman in bed due to this hair-trigger problem of mine.

“My wife moved into the spare room years ago after growing tired of my constant failure to display any staying power.

“I’ve always had a problem in this area, and, once, in my early teens, had a shattering climax just by asking a girl in my class if I could borrow her ruler.

“Now, thanks to the imagery of…

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jackWhitechapel pictured during happier times

In one of the bloodiest episodes East London has ever witnessed, the entire population of Whitechapel were found stabbed to death earlier this morning.

The bodies of 14,876 people were found by Tower Hamlets council dustmen when they arrived at 5.00 am to empty the bins.

One of the workers, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen: “It was pretty grim, to be honest.

“There were bodies strewn all over the place. It was like a scene from one of those war films.

“It was obvious that they had all been stabbed as they had knives sticking out of them.

“I know that knife crime has been on the rise recently but you don’t expect this sort of thing do you?”

A Metropolitan police spokesman told reporters: “We haven’t made any arrests as yet but we are currently questioning 13,780 people from Bermondsey in South London and…

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There were no whores or drugs at opium den/brothel I frequented says Boris Johnson

boris and cummingsPrime Minister, Boris Johnson, last night strongly denied that there were any prostitutes or illicit drugs at a notorious Chinese brothel and opium den in Gerrard Street in London’s Soho district that he frequently visited during the 1970s

Speaking to newsmen while on a visit to a hospital yesterday, where he had earlier been accused of playing to the press by the father of a seriously ill child, to which Johnson responded by denying there being any newsmen present, he insisted: “All this nonsense about there being ladies of the night or illegal drugs at the establishment are utter poppycock.

“I freely admit attending the place from time to time, purely to unwind with a glass or two of iced tea and to chat to the young people, some of whom may or may not have been women, about politics, and on occasion, the world of sport.

“I understand there…

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Bride shuns wedding, blows up groom’s mother

fireworks-factory-explosionWedding pow. The groom’s mother’s house pictured last week

A bride-to-be failed to show up at her own wedding last week, choosing instead to blow up her future mother-in-law using high explosives.

Tracy Dell, 22, from Whitechapel in East London told The Whelk that she’d reached the end of her tether due to the woman’s constant interference with the wedding arrangements.

“She was on my case, morning, noon and night,” she told us.

“If it wasn’t the guest list, the bridesmaid’s dresses, or the seating arrangements, she was banging on about my choice of food for the buffet.

“The last straw came when she told me to switch from being a Roman Catholic to a Jew so that she could make matzo balls and chicken soup for the reception.

“I looked up the ingredients and the method for bomb-making online, and on the morning of the wedding, left the device…

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Boris butchered and ate Number 10 cat says Downing Street insider

larryMinced Moggie? Larry pictured during happier times before he was killed and eaten by the PM

A senior civil servant and government advisor at the Cabinet Office last night told The Whelk that he believes that Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, killed the popular Downing Street cat, Larry, and later ate the creature in his bedroom during a ‘midnight feast’

Sir Tobias Dell CBE, told us: “The PM has never been a cat lover apparently, and I often used to catch him giving Larry the odd kick in the hallway whenever it came up to greet him after he’d arrived home.

“A few nights back, I heard a loud commotion coming from the kitchen area and upon entering, saw the PM holding a butcher’s cleaver.

“He was sweating profusely and had blood spatter on his shirt and tie.

“He looked pretty sheepish and muttered something about making himself a steak tartar…

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