Monthly Archives: April 2019

WORLD NEWS

The Whitechapel Whelk

trump jokerYou’ve been a wonderful audience. Try the veal. -Ed

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Sex robot gives birth to baby hoover

The Whitechapel Whelk

Image result for henry the hooverSucking babe: The infant hoover having its first tentative clean-up around a hospital staff member’s desk last night

Doctors at The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel have announced that a robot designed for sexual purposes has given birth to a baby, Henry The Hoover.

A spokesperson for the maternity unit told newsmen that the robot was admitted yesterday morning suffering from an issue with the circuitry around the abdominal area and gave birth to the 2lb 7oz hoover just an hour later.

Robot and small cleaning device are said to be doing well and will be returning home tomorrow following wiring checks and a routine service.

The robot’s owner, James Dyson, owner of the successful, Dyson hoover manufacturing company, was said to be ‘taken aback’ by the news.

“You f*****g what?” he exclaimed to reporters from his home in Singapore.

It is believed that the pregnancy may have come about…

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Local man realises he has what it takes to slay unruly child pushing junior supermarket trolley

The Whitechapel Whelk

See the source imageA 47-year-old Whitechapel man last night told us that a 7-year-old child who was running around a local supermarket with one of the small trolleys made available by the store for youngsters, deserved to die and that he was just the man to get the job done.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer spoke to The Whelk from his home in Vallance Road: “This kid was racing up and down the aisles with this miniature trolley like an absolute bastard.

“He narrowly missed colliding with my own trolley on a couple of occasions and almost ran over my foot as I was heading for the checkout.

“It was at this point that I realised that he deserved to die and that I would be more than happy to get the job squared away myself.

“It’s not that often that I feel murderous intent towards kids, but I swear to God…

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HEALTH & PHILOSOPHY

The Whitechapel Whelk

cosmarxpolitan©Cosmarxpolitan is a Commie Smart Dude Publication. All rights are the opium of the people.

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Melania Trump bombshell: Theresa May caught me with a number of powerful body shots in the Buck House lift.

The Whitechapel Whelk

See the source imageTrump thumped. Mrs Trump pictured putting a brave face on it last night

United States First Lady, Melania Trump, has told a magazine that, Brit Prime Minister, Theresa May, beat her about the body in a lift at Buckingham Palace during President Trump’s official visit to Great Britain last year.

Speaking to The New Yorker, Mrs Trump says: “Donald and myself were coming down in the lift from our bedroom on the top floor.

“As we reached the 1st floor, the doors opened and Mrs May rushed in looking absolutely furious.

“Before I could cover up with my elbows, she caught me with a thunderous body shot to the ribs, sickening me and causing me to go down on one knee.

“As I got up, she continued to go downstairs and crashed home 5 or 6 big bombs to the lower abdomen and then sent me back down with a…

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