Monthly Archives: March 2019

Screwing up Brexit has turned Theresa into an insatiable sex beast says Philip May

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March To Leave Participants Running Low On Elven Bread

Image result for elven bread Yes, I think we’ll stick to pie and mash, to be honest

The small band of Brexiters taking part in the March To Leave journey from Sunderland to London are reportedly running low on their supply of nourishing elven bread, or Lembas.

A small piece of the wholesome, ‘waybread’ was given to each participant, wrapped in a single Telperion leaf, by march organiser, Nigel ‘Galadriel’ Farage, before they set out on their quest to rescue Brexit from the dark forces of Parliamendor last Sunday.

A spokesman for the marchers, calling himself, Banksie Son Of Bloat, spoke to newsmen from outside his club in London’s Bloomsbury.

“I have been informed of the shortage of Lembas and will be doing everything in my power to ensure that a fresh supply is sent to the boys and girls as soon as I have received the necessary bank transfers from them”

When challenged about…

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God blocks Facebook with ‘Great Flood’ of dinner pics

Image result for angry godOi, Facebookers!…NO! God pictured looking mightily pissed off last night

Social media giant, Facebook, last night confirmed that the global outage which rendered billions unable to access their timelines yesterday was caused by a torrent of pictures of people’s dinners posted by God to punish the platform for all the sinful content that has been allowed to flourish on the site in recent years.

Facebook troubleshooter, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen last night: “The hand of God is definitely behind this one.

“One of our leading IT bods, who’s a regular churchgoer, told me that The Lord had clogged up the cyber tubes with dinner pics as a punishment for all the dodgy political content and softcore grumble pics of nude birds that have been appearing over the last year or two.

“He likens it to The Great Flood that The Lord visited upon earth in the olden days to…

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Milk cartons have become too difficult to open says Donald Trump

trump whelkUnited States President, Donald Trump has complained that today’s milk cartons have become, ‘too fancy’ for the average man in the street to open and that manufacturers of the containers need to return to the old tried and trusted designs.

Speaking at a rally in Montgomery, Alabama, Trump told supporters: “Today’s milk cartons are just crazy. They’re way too fancy.

“They don’t even stick to one design. There seem to be so many different types these days.

“I spent over half an hour of valuable golfing time trying to open one last week.

“It was so damn tricky I had to call in Don Junior to give me a hand and even he couldn’t figure it out and he went to Harvard or one of those other fancy colleges

“In the end, I held it over the sink while Junior cut the top off with a pair of bolt croppers.

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jacob sovereignty rubAh yes, a good, old-fashioned sovereignty rub. That’s the stuff to give the disease-riddled spawn of the peasant classes.

And if that doesn’t work, a damn good thrashing with a nice new, blue passport would put the colour back in the little blighters’ cheeks – Ed

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