Monthly Archives: February 2019

WORLD NEWS

Trump/Kim talks falter. Trump alludes to “some differences but a meeting of minds” – Associated Press

trump and kimmy

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PULP POLITICS

pulp brexitBREXIT UPDATE: It’s still a complete shitshow but not quite as complete and spectacular a shitshow as they are currently watching unfold in The United States of America.

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One day I’ll be Queen of England vows Boris Johnson

See the source imageIn a surprise announcement, former Foreign Secretary and staunch Brexiteer, Boris Johnson has announced plans to accede to the throne after The Queen has died.

Writing in his Daily Telegraph column, the famously ambitious Johnson, said: “I can conceive of no earthly reason why I should not be made Queen after the death of Her Majesty.

“I went to a good school, my Latin is at least on a par with Rees-Mogg’s, and even if I do say it myself, I have a certain regal bearing.

“I can’t see there being any objections from the royal family, to be honest. In fact, they’ll probably welcome my ascension to the throne

“It will give William the chance to go back to flying helicopters and Harry will be able to concentrate on getting rat-arsed and shagging that fine-looking colonial filly he’s shacked up with.

“At the end of the day, post-Brexit, this…

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I’ll kick The Queen’s head in if she flees London post-Brexit says, Kim Kardashian

Image result for assA clearly furious Kardashian pictured earlier

Following recent press rumours, media personality, Kim Kardashian, has vowed to “kick the Queen’s fucking head in” if she evacuates the capital in the event of civil unrest following a no-deal Brexit.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star, explained.

“If I find out The Queen has abandoned her loyal subjects during post-Brexit riots, you can stand on me that I will find her in her royal bolthole and kick her fucking head in”

This is not the first time the controversial star has threatened a leading British public figure.

In 2018, she told Hello magazine that if TV personality, Piers Morgan didn’t stop being such an irritating twat on his morning show she was going to “knee him right in the Niagras”

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Local woman’s hairy toe discovery led to murder

Image result for hairy toesA 23-year-old Whitechapel woman killed her partner in cold blood after discovering a small clump of dark hairs on her big toe, an Old Bailey jury was told yesterday.

Tracy Ree, a legal secretary from Dock Street, attacked her partner, Toby Dell, 27, a self-employed forklift truck mechanic, with an axe after making the discovery on the evening of June 16 last year.

Prosecuting counsel, Carter Shay QC, told the court that Ms Ree had complained to the deceased after spotting the hairs and that he’d made light of the issue, calling her, Big Foot, and, Hairy Mary.

The plaintiff then allegedly flew into a murderous rage and attacked Mr Dell with an axe, severing his head and one of his legs.

The court heard that Ms Ree then tried to dispose of his body by dismembering the corpse and boiling the body parts on the stove.

The cooked remains…

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Early Facebook-Style Dinner Pic Discovered in Cave

caveIn 1903, archaeologists stumbled upon this early example of a Neanderthal cat video

Archaeologists have discovered what is believed to an early, Facebook-style picture of somebody’s dinner, in a cave in a remote region of France

The crudely drawn painting clearly shows a bowl of dinosaur stew with a bit of bread next to it and is believed to be from the early Cro-Magnon period

This latest discovery comes just a week after a party of geologists discovered a pre-historic Instagram-style picture of somebody’s hideous-looking kid.

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BREAKING

trump fpHere at Whelk Towers, we often marvel at the fact that there is still a single, solitary American soul left cheerleading for this joker. What more in the way of acts of utter chicanery does he have to commit before people begin to realise that he’s just a mobster with an orange wig, a low IQ, and excellent genes? – Ed

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