Monthly Archives: January 2019

Prince Philip slams “Slitty-eyed Chinaman driver” following crash

Image result for prince philip Prince Philip pictured looking pale and pretty drunk following the accident yesterday

Following the road traffic accident yesterday in which a Range Rover being driven by Prince Philip, The Duke of Edinburgh ended up in a ditch, the 97-year-old Duke put the blame squarely on the driver of the other car involved in the incident, who he described as, “a slitty-eyed Chinaman who was driving like an Indian”

Philip, 97, told newsmen: “I was driving along minding my own business on the way back from the pub when this other car came straight at me like a bat out of bloody hell.

“I’ve seen Indians drive better and that’s bloody saying something believe you me.

“I didn’t get a really good look at the Johnny in the other jalopy, but he was an odd-looking cove with yellow skin and slitty eyes. A bit like a bloody Chinaman.

“One minute we’re…

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Royal Navy to abolish sodomy and the lash

Image result for cat o nine tailsThe Lash (nobody wanted to look for a sodomy pic)

Following the United States Navy’s decision to end the practice of imposing punishment rations of bread and water on miscreants, the British Royal Navy has announced that from March 2019, the time-served naval practices of covert homosexual activities and the issuing of punishment beatings with the cat-o-nine-tails will be outlawed.

A Royal Navy spokesman told newsmen last night: “As a modern fighting force, we felt the time was right for antiquated practices like anal sex in the brig and thrashings with a tarred and knotted rope to be phased out.

“Although, I have to say, that on a personal level I shall miss it and so will my wife”

This move comes just a month after The British Army ended the practices of wog-baiting and burying new recruits up to the neck in anthills and leaving them to die under…

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Self-published author forced to admit whole deal a complete shitshow

writer A self-publishing bod pictured churning out a load of old ill-conceived toot in the olden days

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man has finally conceded that his attempt at becoming an independent, self-published author has been a complete shitshow from start to finish.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver who writes under the pen name of, T S Steinbeck-Hemingway, launched his first novel, ‘I Was A Teenage Werewolf In A Dystopian Hinterland With People Chasing After Me’, last Tuesday with disappointing results.

“Of course I realised that being an indie author with delusions of grandeur and very little else wasn’t going to be easy.”, he told us.

“However, I wasn’t prepared for a zero sales return and an Amazon review catalogue full of insults and savage piss-taking.

“It started so promisingly with many of the people I follow on WordPress giving me glowing feedback and firm encouragement to take the next step.

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download (2)It’s a little-known fact that President Donald Trump, by his own admission, was a gifted and nimble-footed ballroom dancer, who, had his career not been tragically cut short by a bone-spur flare-up, would have gone on to reach unprecedented heights in the discipline, resulting in his being named as Time magazine’s Man Of The Year for a record 40 years in succession and then for a further half-century following his death.

It’s a sobering thought that a man who would gladly race into a besieged high school and take out a crazed gunman without a thought for his own mortality could also have achieved a perfect ’10’ from Len Goodman following an inspired paso doble at The Whitechapel Palais de Dance – Ed

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Strange But True #8713

brexit ferry cock up

This spoof front page, my friends, is based on a factual event which took place in this sceptred isle last week and is indicative of the complete shitshow that Brexit has now become.

Sometimes, our work as satirists is made simple by the actions of politicians.

This debacle is a case in point.

Still, we’ve got our country back, my friends!

Now, who ordered the Quatro Formaggio deep crust with pineapple?

ray liotta brexit meme

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Classic literature and its part in our castigation

little houseFollowing the recent publication of a previous SIHOTP gag elsewhere, the editor of the magazine concerned received a number of complaints about poor taste and depravity, with one poor woman wailing that the piece had made her, “sick to my stomach”

So with this in mind, we have redoubled our efforts and will now be turning these out just as fast as we can come up with them.

We will, however, be offering readers a free bottle of Milk of Magnesia in the event of any stomach-related issues which may result. – Ed

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Number of attractive women desperate to have sex with losers from the internet set to soar in 2019

pretty girls Attractive women, some with brazen watermarks signalling their desperation, pictured in predatory mood last night

A recent report suggests that the number of women who are desperately keen to sleep with random men who make contact with them on the internet is set to soar in 2019.

This spells bad news for men right across the globe who are already under siege from the barrage of attractive women, desperate to have sex with any Tom, Dick or Harry that makes contact with them online, irrespective of looks, weight, disposition or personal hygiene.

A spokesman for Cambridge University in England, who conducted the survey, said last night: “Already we have seen a huge upsurge in the numbers of women who are mad keen on getting down to business with no-mark douchebags and unsavoury chancers who sidle up to them online and make inappropriate remarks.

“Our findings indicate that the vast majority…

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