Monthly Archives: December 2018

Whitechapel Named European District of Rupture

trussThe coveted, Golden Truss of Montreaux. Notice how its goldness has faded down the years due to wear and tear and so on

The people of Whitechapel were in jubilant mood last night after beating off stiff competition from over 500 major towns across Europe to win the prestigious, European District of Rupture Award, the first East London area ever to do so.

Each year, the prestigious, Golden Truss of Montreaux, is awarded to the town or district which can boast the highest number of people per square mile who are suffering from a rupture.

Whitechapel narrowly pipped Berne in Switzerland for the crown by notching up an estimated 67 rupturees, compared to 63 from their Swiss rivals.

Whitechapel’s Mayor, The Honourable Toby Dell, MBE, told newsmen: “This is a great accolade for the area and a tribute to its people.

“I knew that a lot of people round here…

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Local Teen begins Xmas Day masturbation plans

Image result for xmas house A house at Xmas, inside which, a teen may, or may not, be masturbating

A 16-year-old Whitechapel boy has begun making plans to masturbate successfully on Christmas Day in a clandestine manner that won’t carry the risk of being disturbed or discovered by relatives.

Toby Dell, an engineering student from Commercial Street, is hoping to get at least 3 sessions in on the big day, starting with an early morning Xmas Day ‘tube clearance’ in the bathroom while everyone’s still asleep.

Dell then plans to squeeze in a pre-lunch session in the downstairs toilet while the family are enjoying a few drinks, or are helping with the preparation of Christmas lunch.

The youngster, who last Christmas, successfully masturbated through his pocket at an evening carol service at Christ Church in Spitalfields, then hopes to pleasure himself to completion in the shed while everyone’s having a post-lunch afternoon nap.

Dell realises…

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NEXT WEEK: The little Trump supporters lynch a family of wetbacks on the front porch

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Yuletide Songs For Intellectuals

THIS WEEK: Do They Know It’s Christmas – Band-Aid.


web-band-aid-do-they-know-its-christmas-youtube-fairuseNo bum notes were hit by any of the artists during the recording of this meme…apart from Francis Rossi out of Status Quo who was as pissed as a parrot as usual – Ed

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New doubts cast on suitability of female pilots

male and female pilotsThe Whelk would like to make it plain that we are 100 per cent in favour of equality in the workplace, although we do feel that it might be for the best if lady pilots left it to the blokes to reverse the plane into the disembarking bays after landing – Ed

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Endangered white rhino now totally extinct in Whitechapel

dorset_street_whitechapel_lens_view Dorset Street in Whitechapel pictured last night with no white rhinos in it

The World Wildlife Fund announced last night that the critically endangered white rhino is now totally extinct in the Whitechapel area.

A spokesman for the organisation told The National Geographic Society: “No white rhinos have been spotted in Whitechapel for over two weeks.

“It is therefore with great sadness that we must assume that they are now extinct in the region.

“Hunting is probably the main cause, although the creatures’ favourite feeding areas around the bins at the back of pie and mash shops have been decimated by recent closures due to a pre-Brexit mash shortage.”

This news comes hot on the heels of the announcement by The Zoological Society in London, that the extremely rare, Sumatran elephant, is almost extinct in the neighbouring district of Cripplegate, with only 2 breeding pairs left in the swing park…

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Battered ISIS withdraw to Arbroath

arbroath-isis-in-articleHaving lost their strongholds in Syria and Iraq, Islamic State forces have pulled back to the small Scottish town of Arbroath, where they are set to make a defiant last stand.

More than 200 fighters are holed up in bed and breakfast accommodation in and around the town centre where they remain defiant as thousands of Russian-backed Syrian forces mass on the perimeter.

Local people were divided on the issue when we spoke to a few last night:

Tobias McDell, a boilermaker aged 57, told us: “I’ve no real problem with the ISIS boys, to be fair.

“They’ve not been any trouble at all. In fact, they’ve provided a welcome boost to local shopkeepers by buying loads of fags and drink.”

McDell’s wife, Mary, 53, was less enthusiastic: “They’ve been a damn nuisance ever since they got here.

“They caused a bloody great queue in the butchers last week, and…

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