Monthly Archives: June 2018

I’ll protect vulnerable Scots from Sun’s rays with my big face says, Olly Murs

olly memeBig-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, has vowed to shield the fair-skinned people of Scotland from harmful UVA rays during the current heatwave by blocking out the sun with his massive dial.

Murs told The Whitechapel Whelk last night: “If I can prevent one single Scotch person from getting sunburned by using my gigantic face, then my life will not have been in vain.”

The Dance With Me star plans to stand on a hill close to Hadrians Wall and blot out the Sun between the hours of 11.00 and 16.00 when the rays are at their most harmful.

It is believed that over 30,000 millilitres of sun cream will be applied to Murs’ gargantuan face by a team of over 50 makeup artists before he takes up his position at 11.00am today.

If you have fair skin like a Scotch person and are concerned about exposure to harmful UVA rays…

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Dundee Lama thinks Hurst’s shot may have been ‘just o’er the line’



“Aye, ah have tae confess, the bastart ball was just o’er by a wee mickle


Fabled holy man, The Dundee Lama, last night told assembled newsmen, that in his opinion, Geoff Hurst’s, hotly contested winner in the 1966 World Cup Final was probably, ‘just a wee bit o’er the line’

The Lama who hasn’t spoken in public since Scotland’s humiliating defeat by Iran in the 1978 finals in Argentina, said: “Ah’ve looked at the footage more than a thoosand times, and aftae careful consideration, ah have tae confess that, in mah opinion, yon ball was o’er the line by a wee fraction.

“There wasnae much in it mind and ah could well be wrong! Aye and ah pray tae Buddha Almighty that ah am, so ah dae!”

NASA scientists, who recently used sophisticated laser-enhanced imagery to prove that the ball actually bounced down, ‘well over by at least 3 feet’ welcomed the Lama’s assertion last night

The Lama’s shock revelation comes just a few days after SNP leader, Nicola Sturgeon, told the Scottish Parliament that Ali McCoist always looks and sounds, “half-pished” during his commentary stints, “oan yon BBC”

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World Cup Latest: Glasgow in the grip of England fever


braveheart world cup

Wild scenes in the Bridgton district last night as England fever takes hold



With England’s World Cup clash with Tunisia just 24 hours away, the city of Glasgow was last night awash with England flags as a state of fevered anticipation gripped the whole of Scotland

Barely a car can be seen without a St George’s cross flag fluttering proudly from the roof, and in districts like Govan and Maryhill, entire blocks of flats are swamped with flags and daubed with messages of support for Gareth Southgate’s boys.

We spoke to one resident of a tower block in The Gorbals that had been lit up with red and white lasers last night.

Tobias McDell, 53 and unemployed, told us: “Ah havenae known anything like it ah swear tae God. It’s like the spirit o’ ’66 has taken hold o’ the entire nation.

“Ah cannae imagination the joy in this city if yon England boys come hame tae Britain wi’ the cup.

“There’ll be celebratory rammys and slashin’s across the entire city ah’m thinkin’. Aye the streets o’ Glesga wull be flowing wi’ the claret and the Bucky oan the day they England boys dae the country proud!

In other news, England supporters south of the border have taken a more sedate viewpoint, with many grimly preparing to beat up their wives after a really good spanking from Tunisia.

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Dumb and Dumber

trump & kim

NEXT WEEK: The 45th President of The United States consults Little Jimmy Osmond on securing a lasting peace in the occupied territories.

picture courtesy of SoZ Satire incorporating The Whitechapel Whelk.

All rights naively waived to billions across the entire globe

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