Monthly Archives: May 2018

Local woman who broke wind during first date spends first of many sleepless nights wondering if man heard it

373995690_c5034d7cf4 Ms Dell pictured last night

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman managed just 2 hours sleep after she broke wind in a restaurant where she was on a first date with a man she had met on Tinder.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “It happened during dessert. My spoon slipped from my hand, and as it clattered onto my plate, I farted with surprise.

“I looked up and saw that my date was looking down at his food. He was pretty expressionless so it was hard to tell if he’d heard it.

“It wasn’t an absolute rip-snorter or anything so I’m praying that he didn’t notice.

“Having said that, he was pretty quiet for the rest of the evening and he did make me get the bus home instead of dropping me off in his car.

“I hardly slept a wink last night and I’ve a horrible…

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Trump Presidency Approval Survey Pretty Much As Expected

The survey was carried out by leading pollsters, Gallup, and was conducted in over 86 countries, including The United States of America and Iran

trump pie chart

NEXT WEEK: We reveal the results of a poll asking people if they’d like to shoot Piers Morgan in his big fat face.

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Beckham under fire after tattooing himself during royal wedding

David-Beckham-Tattoos-1 Tats naughty. Beckham pictured at the free bar last night

Critics have hit out at soccer legend, David Beckham, who was spotted tattooing one of his legs during yesterday’s royal wedding ceremony at Windsor Castle

The former Manchester United and England icon was spotted by a BBC camera with his trousers pulled down to his knees and was clearly seen using a piece of sharpened bamboo and a bottle of Indian ink to etch a crude ship’s anchor tattoo with, ‘Mum and Dad’, in a scroll underneath it on his upper thigh.

The criticism of Beckham’s behaviour is reminiscent of the outcry that ensued after Prince Andrew’s daughter, Eugenie, was spotted in a pew at the back of Westminster Abbey having her pubic hair fashioned into a heart and dyed pink during the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton in April 2011.

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London’s Lost Tradesmen: The Ropefarters of Rotherhithe

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In the early 1900s, all of Britain’s newly-manufactured nautical ropes were sent to Rotherhithe in south-east London, where highly skilled artisans would season the raw hemp by passing wind over the coiled ropes in specially designed sheds, or, Gruff Houses, as they were known.

Each Ropefarter would eat up to 12 tins of beans and 3lbs of Brussel sprouts before each 11-hour shift and would often expel up to 600 atmospheres of gas during that time. That’s enough to inflate an average hot air balloon 5-times.

The Ropefarters were eventually made redundant by the shipping companies when residents in neighbouring Bermondsey complained about the noise and smell after a number of young children and elderly people died from asphyxiation during a 24-hour shift on a blisteringly hot day in July 1903.

Source: The Ripsnorter and Botty Burp Guide 1907

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Jacob Rees-Mogg proposes ‘Brit-O-Vision’ song contest.

Jacob speaking latinControversial Brexit hard-liner, Jacob Rees-Mogg, told the House of Commons yesterday, that after Britain pulls out of the EU, the United Kingdom should also withdraw from the Eurovision song contest and hold its own, Brit-O-Vision version of the popular annual spectacular

Rees-Mogg told The House: “I don’t see how we can present ourselves as a truly independent sovereign nation while we’re still taking part in an event in which the balance is clearly tipped heavily in favour of the Europeans.

“Year in, year out, our songs and performers are head and shoulders above those of the foreigners, and yet, we end up right down the bottom of the table when the votes are counted.

“It’s humiliating to see our great nation humbled by people who didn’t know how to use a knife and fork or understand the rules of croquet until we conquered and civilised them.

“Brit-O-Vision would feature all-British…

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Lionel Ritchie: My wife kicked me in the groin during recording of Easy Like Sunday Morning

Pop legend, Lionel Ritchie, has revealed that he was kicked hard in the testicles by his wife during the recording of his 1977 smash it, Easy Like Sunday Morning, after she had discovered that he was sleeping with the bass player.

In an exclusive interview, Ritchie, 97, told us: “I was getting towards the end of the recording and was taking a rest from the vocal just before the final fancy guitar break.

“At this point, my wife came storming into the studio and kicked me hard in the balls.

“She was raging and calling me a lowlife and a fag sonofabitch. I doubled up in pain and only just recovered in time to complete the closing vocal, although, if you listen carefully, you can absolutely tell that I went up to a higher key for the last knockings.

“When we played it back, the producer decided to leave the…

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JUST IN

BREXIT PIE CHART

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May 6, 2018 · 06:00

Being kicked in the testicles far more painful than childbirth claims think tank

kick in the balls OOOYAAH! A classic ‘eye-waterer’ being delivered by a lady with super-powers in space

A government think tank report published yesterday reveals that a man who has been kicked hard in the testicles experiences significantly more pain than a woman giving birth to an average size baby.

Dr Tobias Dell, PhD, who headed the study, told newsmen: “Over the course of 6 months, a number of men were given a really meaty kick in the testicles while their pain level was being monitored on a special machine designed specifically for the task.

“We then asked them if the pain and distress they experienced was worse than childbirth, and without exception, they all agreed that it was indeed far worse.

“We didn’t ask any women for their comments because, as we all know, they are notoriously prone to exaggeration and for laying it on with a trowel to gain sympathy”

These findings…

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The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Pro-Leftist Political Propaganda

This week we focus on the burgeoning bromance between Mr Trump and his new best buddy, Kim “Rocket In My Pocket” Jong-un.

trump & kim meme

Next week we examine the growing friendship between ex-New York Mayor, Rudy Giuliani and popular good-time girl, Stormy Daniels

Picture and caption supplied by SoZ Satire incorporating The Whitechapel Whelk. Under no circumstances follow them here:

https://www.facebook.com/SoZsatire/?ref=bookmarks

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Serial blogger blissfully unaware that nobody noticed his week-long absence

thFrom our unpalatable truth correspondent, Danny SoZ

A long-term contributor to the blogging site, WordPress, spent yesterday completely oblivious to the fact that not one of the people who follow his blog has noticed that he hadn’t posted for 7 days due to an accident at work.

Toby Dell, 51, has published a 1000-word piece chronicling his daily life, both domestic and in the workplace, every day since he registered in 2011.

However, after breaking his arm in a fall at work he has been forced to take a week off blogging while the bone knits together.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter, Dell told us: “It’s been tough not being able to post at the same time every day. It’s become a huge part of my life and something I can never envisage ever giving up.

“However, it’s my followers I feel I must apologise to. They must be wondering…

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