Monthly Archives: April 2018

Vatican hails miracle as BBC TV listings appear on local man’s penis

The Whitechapel Whelk

tv guide A TV guide believed to be similar to the one that appeared on Mr Dell’s cock

The Vatican is set to beatify a Whitechapel man after last Tuesday’s BBC TV listings appeared on his penis.

Toby Dell, 52, a forklift truck mechanic from Vallance Road, spotted the phenomena last Tuesday morning while emptying his bladder

“I couldn’t believe it,” he told The Whelk. “The BBC telly listings just appeared on my nob as if by magic.

“They were all there, both BBC 1 and 2, although BBC 4 wasn’t on it, probably because it’s on cable.

“I had a look on the underside to see if the ITV programmes were on there but it was bare

“It came in handy that evening as my missus had forgotten to get a paper so we just checked my cory to see what was on next.”

The Vatican now plan to have Mr Dell beatified…

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Survey: 99% of people want wedding vow-renewers to be whipped to death

The Whitechapel Whelk

flogging Lash some sense into ’em. Dealing with a vow-renewer in the good old days.

A recent study by The University of Swansea has found that 99% of the people who responded to their nationwide survey would be in favour of having people who renew their wedding vows whipped to death in public.

Professor Tobias Dell, PhD, whose team conducted the survey, told newsmen, “Our findings were utterly conclusive. Ninety-nine percent wanted these people whipped to death and the remaining one percent think that they should have been drowned in a bucket at birth.

“People were overwhelmingly of the opinion that these individuals are attention-seeking dullards who are trying to kid themselves, as well as their family and friends, that their marriage is so idyllic that they want to go through the whole wretched process again, when in actual fact, their lives and their marriages are in utter shit state but they don’t…

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Posting political messages on Facebook has no effect or influence on government policy whatsoever claims shock report

The Whitechapel Whelk

shouty bastardA recent survey conducted by Cambridge University has revealed that people who habitually post messages on Facebook, that make a political point or that illustrate their own worldview, have absolutely no effect on government policy whatsoever.

Professor Tobias Dell, who headed the study, told newsmen: “Our findings are absolutely conclusive. People who routinely ram their political views down the throats of people on their Facebook friends list have zero effect on the ongoing political climate and merely serve to get on people’s tits.

“While it is understood that these individuals believe they are making a difference, in fact, they are not and are merely coming across as irritating dweebs with too much time on their hands.”

This report comes just a week after an Oxford University study revealed that people who post pictures of their dinners or their hideous kids on their timelines deserve to be run over by a…

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Kate already back in training for next fight

The Whitechapel Whelk

kate-middleton-arrives-at-the-brookhill-children-s-cnetre-in-london_1 Ready to deliver. Kate arriving at the gym yesterday afternoon

The Duchess of Cambridge returned to the boxing gym yesterday to get in shape for her next fight, just 24 hours after giving birth to her 3rd baby in a London hospital.

Kate, 36, arrived at the iconic, Thomas A Beckett gym in Old Kent Road yesterday afternoon and spent 3 hours on the speedball, the heavy bag and the pads before sparring 6 rounds with a local ABA middleweight champion.

Gym owner, Toby “The Bethnal Green Bomber” Dell, 56, told us: “Kate seemed in good shape, all things considered. Some of the snap had gone out of her punches and her timing was slightly off, but with a few more rounds of sparring under her belt, she’ll be back to full sharpness.

“The kid was raring to go and even asked me to toughen up her abs and obliques with…

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Millions of Barclaycard holders eligible for free butt plugs

The Whitechapel Whelk

butt plug A best-selling butt plug pictured last night

Banking giants, Barclay’s, have announced that a recently introduced scheme to encourage customers to sign up for one of their credit cards will include a free butt plug for anyone registering for a card before May 1.

A spokesman for the bank told us last night: “We hope, that by introducing an anal sex toy as a free gift, more people will be encouraged to become Barclaycard holders.

“It’s our way of saying thank you to new customers by giving them the opportunity to ram a rubber device up their bottom when there’s not much on TV, or even during slack periods at work”

This scheme mirrors a similar incentive offered by Barclay’s rivals, Santander, who last year gave away over a million, Rampant Black Mamba Bully Boy, clitoral stimulators to customers who signed up for a business account.

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Meghan under fire over Jeremy Corbyn chest tattoo

The Whitechapel Whelk

meghan-markle-jeremy-corbyn-678x381 Chest good friends. Meghan and ‘Jezza’ pictured at a pro-Marxism rally last week

There was concern in royal circles last night after Prince Harry’s future bride, Meghan Markle, told The Mail On Sunday that she’d had a likeness of leftie Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, tattooed on her chest.

In yesterday’s edition, Meghan reveals: “I’ve always been a bit left of centre in my political outlook and I know Harry’s a bit that way too.

“So, I thought it would be a great idea to have the left-wing firebrand, Jeremy Corbyn, inked across my chest.

“I was going to have, Workers of The World Unite, done in a scroll underneath but I didn’t have enough money on me.

“I can’t wait to see Harry’s face when I take my togs off on our honeymoon and he sees Jezza’s face emblazoned on my threepenny bits”

Meghan’s revelation evokes memories of the…

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Local woman sick to the back teeth of husband chatting during foreplay

The Whitechapel Whelk

two-lovers-kissing-waters-edge-9587954A 28-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that her husband’s constant flow of idle chit-chat during heavy petting prior to sex is infuriating beyond belief and shows “a lack of respect”

Speaking to us from her home in Leman Street, Tracy Dell, a dental nurse, said: “He’s been doing this ever since we first met. In my opinion, it shows a complete and utter lack of respect.

“I should have seen the writing on the wall on our third date when he started going on about the retail price index during a mutual masturbation session just before we slept together for the first time.

“Once he gets down to the actual scuttling he’s absolutely fine and is a good as the next man. It’s the idle chit-chat beforehand that gets me down.

“Just to be adventurous, I once started pleasuring him under the table in a restaurant with my…

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