Monthly Archives: April 2018

Vatican hails miracle as BBC TV listings appear on local man’s penis

tv guide A TV guide believed to be similar to the one that appeared on Mr Dell’s cock

The Vatican is set to beatify a Whitechapel man after last Tuesday’s BBC TV listings appeared on his penis.

Toby Dell, 52, a forklift truck mechanic from Vallance Road, spotted the phenomena last Tuesday morning while emptying his bladder

“I couldn’t believe it,” he told The Whelk. “The BBC telly listings just appeared on my nob as if by magic.

“They were all there, both BBC 1 and 2, although BBC 4 wasn’t on it, probably because it’s on cable.

“I had a look on the underside to see if the ITV programmes were on there but it was bare

“It came in handy that evening as my missus had forgotten to get a paper so we just checked my cory to see what was on next.”

The Vatican now plan to have Mr Dell beatified…

View original post 45 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Survey: 99% of people want wedding vow-renewers to be whipped to death

flogging Lash some sense into ’em. Dealing with a vow-renewer in the good old days.

A recent study by The University of Swansea has found that 99% of the people who responded to their nationwide survey would be in favour of having people who renew their wedding vows whipped to death in public.

Professor Tobias Dell, PhD, whose team conducted the survey, told newsmen, “Our findings were utterly conclusive. Ninety-nine percent wanted these people whipped to death and the remaining one percent think that they should have been drowned in a bucket at birth.

“People were overwhelmingly of the opinion that these individuals are attention-seeking dullards who are trying to kid themselves, as well as their family and friends, that their marriage is so idyllic that they want to go through the whole wretched process again, when in actual fact, their lives and their marriages are in utter shit state but they don’t…

View original post 61 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Posting political messages on Facebook has no effect or influence on government policy whatsoever claims shock report

shouty bastardA recent survey conducted by Cambridge University has revealed that people who habitually post messages on Facebook, that make a political point or that illustrate their own worldview, have absolutely no effect on government policy whatsoever.

Professor Tobias Dell, who headed the study, told newsmen: “Our findings are absolutely conclusive. People who routinely ram their political views down the throats of people on their Facebook friends list have zero effect on the ongoing political climate and merely serve to get on people’s tits.

“While it is understood that these individuals believe they are making a difference, in fact, they are not and are merely coming across as irritating dweebs with too much time on their hands.”

This report comes just a week after an Oxford University study revealed that people who post pictures of their dinners or their hideous kids on their timelines deserve to be run over by a…

View original post 20 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Kate already back in training for next fight

kate-middleton-arrives-at-the-brookhill-children-s-cnetre-in-london_1 Ready to deliver. Kate arriving at the gym yesterday afternoon

The Duchess of Cambridge returned to the boxing gym yesterday to get in shape for her next fight, just 24 hours after giving birth to her 3rd baby in a London hospital.

Kate, 36, arrived at the iconic, Thomas A Beckett gym in Old Kent Road yesterday afternoon and spent 3 hours on the speedball, the heavy bag and the pads before sparring 6 rounds with a local ABA middleweight champion.

Gym owner, Toby “The Bethnal Green Bomber” Dell, 56, told us: “Kate seemed in good shape, all things considered. Some of the snap had gone out of her punches and her timing was slightly off, but with a few more rounds of sparring under her belt, she’ll be back to full sharpness.

“The kid was raring to go and even asked me to toughen up her abs and obliques with…

View original post 107 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Millions of Barclaycard holders eligible for free butt plugs

butt plug A best-selling butt plug pictured last night

Banking giants, Barclay’s, have announced that a recently introduced scheme to encourage customers to sign up for one of their credit cards will include a free butt plug for anyone registering for a card before May 1.

A spokesman for the bank told us last night: “We hope, that by introducing an anal sex toy as a free gift, more people will be encouraged to become Barclaycard holders.

“It’s our way of saying thank you to new customers by giving them the opportunity to ram a rubber device up their bottom when there’s not much on TV, or even during slack periods at work”

This scheme mirrors a similar incentive offered by Barclay’s rivals, Santander, who last year gave away over a million, Rampant Black Mamba Bully Boy, clitoral stimulators to customers who signed up for a business account.

View original post

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Meghan under fire over Jeremy Corbyn chest tattoo

meghan-markle-jeremy-corbyn-678x381 Chest good friends. Meghan and ‘Jezza’ pictured at a pro-Marxism rally last week

There was concern in royal circles last night after Prince Harry’s future bride, Meghan Markle, told The Mail On Sunday that she’d had a likeness of leftie Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, tattooed on her chest.

In yesterday’s edition, Meghan reveals: “I’ve always been a bit left of centre in my political outlook and I know Harry’s a bit that way too.

“So, I thought it would be a great idea to have the left-wing firebrand, Jeremy Corbyn, inked across my chest.

“I was going to have, Workers of The World Unite, done in a scroll underneath but I didn’t have enough money on me.

“I can’t wait to see Harry’s face when I take my togs off on our honeymoon and he sees Jezza’s face emblazoned on my threepenny bits”

Meghan’s revelation evokes memories of the…

View original post 45 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Local woman sick to the back teeth of husband chatting during foreplay

two-lovers-kissing-waters-edge-9587954A 28-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that her husband’s constant flow of idle chit-chat during heavy petting prior to sex is infuriating beyond belief and shows “a lack of respect”

Speaking to us from her home in Leman Street, Tracy Dell, a dental nurse, said: “He’s been doing this ever since we first met. In my opinion, it shows a complete and utter lack of respect.

“I should have seen the writing on the wall on our third date when he started going on about the retail price index during a mutual masturbation session just before we slept together for the first time.

“Once he gets down to the actual scuttling he’s absolutely fine and is a good as the next man. It’s the idle chit-chat beforehand that gets me down.

“Just to be adventurous, I once started pleasuring him under the table in a restaurant with my…

View original post 64 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Chemical Inspectors to be allowed into Douma ‘after cleaning ladies have a had a little tidy round’ say Syria

la-world-news-syria-bombing-zum.jpg-20121003 In need of a flick round with a duster. Douma yesterday afternoon

The team of chemical weapons inspectors who have been waiting for 3 days in Syria to be allowed into the area where a suspected chlorine gas and nerve agent attack took place have been told that they will be allowed in after a small team of cleaning ladies have had a bit of a tidy up.

A spokesman for the Syrian government issued a brief statement last night: “We couldn’t allow the inspectors in with the place in such a mess. There was debris and bodies everywhere.

“Apart from being a complete eyesore, it was a health and safety issue. We didn’t want to risk having an inspector stubbing his toe on a piece of building rubble or tripping over a dead kiddy,

“No, it’s far better that Mrs Klitsenko and her little team of cleaners have a…

View original post 51 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Song Lyrics for Intellectuals

THIS WEEK: M – Pop Muzik


View original post

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

A great metropolis like London can often be a magnet for subversive activities and terrorism, and last Tuesday was no exception.

I was in the canteen with some of the other lads, topping up my tea with strong grog from a hip flask, when a shout came in that a suspect device had been spotted on a platform at Pimlico tube station in Westminster.

Realising that any delay could mean the loss of innocent lives, I downed the contents of my flask in one and climbed into a patrol car with a couple of the lads and sped to the scene.

On arrival, we were told that a bomb disposal team had already gone inside and we were told to set up a temporary cordon around the area.

Fortunately, The Gallery pub on the corner of Aylesford Street was open, so while the lads started taping off the…

View original post 37 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour