Facebooking without the internet: A handy Whelk guide

thAvatar Selecting: Enlarge a particularly flattering picture of yourself taken a least two decades ago and walk around the streets with it glued to your face. Singularly unattractive people may prefer to use their favourite celebrity; such as George Clooney or Rachel Weiss. You’ll be fooling nobody mind.

Posting: Enter a crowded room holding aloft pictures of one of the following: Your dinner; a holiday snap; you in a drunken state surrounded by a number of equally inebriated halfwits; your utterly hideous child; a meme containing a profound epithet that you couldn’t possibly have come up with in a month of Sundays; a beloved pet that would quite frankly look better after being run over by a bus; or lastly; one of yourself taken in your teen years which proves beyond any doubt that you haven’t improved with age.
People with no life/job could also accompany this with a…

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