Monthly Archives: March 2018

Trump told me to call him ‘General’ says Stormy Daniels

trump general General Issue: President Trump pictured at a fundraising dinner at Mar A Lago last night

Former porn star, Stormy Daniels, who claims to have had a brief fling with US President Donald Trump in 2006, has told a Whelk reporter that he was a selfish and highly unsatisfactory lover who was only able to perform – albeit briefly- when she referred to him as ‘General’

Ms Daniels recalled: “Donald Trump approached me in the bar at a golf club following a celebrity tournament and asked me if I’d like to earn a little extra cash up in his room.

“I was pretty broke at the time so I agreed and went to his hotel room at around 8.00pm that evening.

“I was pretty surprised when he answered the door in a military uniform and even more so when he asked me to call him ‘General sir’ after we’d climbed into…

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tablet tornado

NEXT WEEK: Vauxhall and Lambeth given startling makeover by devastating flash flood.

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Man who blows whistle on ‘Shake Your Body Down’ receives posthumous Grammy.

The man who blew the whistle on the backing soundtrack to Odyssey’s smash hit 1980 single, Shake Your Body Down, has been awarded a posthumous Grammy, 5 years after he passed away at his home in Whitechapel in East London.

‘Rankin’ Toby Dell, retired from his whistle-blowing career in 1982 having amassed an estimated £20 million in royalties.

Before retiring in 2002, he spent the next 20 years as a referee in the English Premier League, where his constant whistling became a regular feature during top-flight matches.

His widow, Tracy, 134, told The Whelk: “Toby loved his whistle and would often summon the kids in for their tea with it.

“He also often used to blow on it constantly to annoy my mother when she came to visit and to let me know when he wanted sex.”

Toby’s whistle was auctioned at Sotheby’s in London in 2005 where it was…

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Dalai Lama: My Kinky Sex Romps With Diana.

Got your attention? Jolly good. And now…THIS!

tablet putin

In case Ritz crackers are not sold outside of the United Kingdom, they are a small, round, savoury biscu…oh never mind. Nobody ever reads our rubbish anyway. We’ll never get self-published at this rate. 😦

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PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling and diverse city like London can be an extremely demanding and even perilous business at times, particularly in the present uncertain international political climate.

Take last Wednesday for example. We were in the canteen at the station when we received a shout that a well-known Russian dissident had been found dead in suspicious circumstances in a local park.

My team immediately deployed to the scene where we were issued with protective, anti-radiation gear due to the hazard of contamination from any noxious substance or nerve agent that might be present in the area.

Fortunately, I had a bottle of Old Bushmills tucked into the back of my trousers, so while the other lads moved in to investigate further, I tucked into the grog and didn’t stop until I’d spewed my guts up inside my gas mask.

Evening all

PC Ted is the vice-chairman of the…

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Local woman’s stool splash-muffling device wins design award

Rustic-Ladle-Wrought-Iron-Cast-Soup-Spoon-Serving A Splash-Away pictured at the inventor’s home last night

A 32-year-old Whitechapel woman who has invented a device that eliminates the embarrassing, telltale ‘splashdown’ noise when going to the toilet, has won a prestigious design award from The Royal Institute of Engineers.

Tracy Dell’s, Splash-Away device has proved supremely popular, particularly with young women, keen to mask the fact that they’re having a bowel movement within earshot of their boyfriends.

The device, which resembles a large soup ladle, has already been snapped up in shops and online with over a million recorded sales during this year alone.

We spoke to Ms Dell at her home in Vallance Road last night who told us: “I got the idea for the Splash-Away after being taken short at my then boyfriend’s flat about two years ago.

“I’d just eaten a huge pie and mash supper and realised I needed a good clearout.

“I put…

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British politics divided over who’s the best Zee: Jay or Chimpan

House-of-Commons Monkey business. The House of Commons pictured in uproar yesterday afternoon

A furious debate is raging across the political divide as to who is the best zee. Is it the jungle-dwelling primate, Chimpan, or the rap star husband of Beyonce, Jay.

Opinion was fiercely divided amongst MPs in The House of Commons last night as the debate raged among members from all parties.

Labour’s left-wing firebrand, Denis Skinner, was vociferous in his assertion that Jay was head and shoulders above his sub-Saharan African rival: “There can be little doubt that Jay is the best zee by a country mile” he told a noisy debating chamber.

“I admit he’s not as good a singer as the chimpans, but at least he’s earned a few million quid and he gets to give Beyonce a scuttling on a Saturday night. That has to count for something”

Prime Minister, Theresa May, strongly rebuffed Skinner’s assertion, telling…

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Facebooking without the internet: A handy Whelk guide

thAvatar Selecting: Enlarge a particularly flattering picture of yourself taken a least two decades ago and walk around the streets with it glued to your face. Singularly unattractive people may prefer to use their favourite celebrity; such as George Clooney or Rachel Weiss. You’ll be fooling nobody mind.

Posting: Enter a crowded room holding aloft pictures of one of the following: Your dinner; a holiday snap; you in a drunken state surrounded by a number of equally inebriated halfwits; your utterly hideous child; a meme containing a profound epithet that you couldn’t possibly have come up with in a month of Sundays; a beloved pet that would quite frankly look better after being run over by a bus; or lastly; one of yourself taken in your teen years which proves beyond any doubt that you haven’t improved with age.
People with no life/job could also accompany this with a…

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William Shatner: I’ll never visit Whitechapel while killer hedgehog roams free

Captain Kirk whitechapel meme Shatner pictured refusing to boldly go to Whitechapel last night

Sci-fi TV show stalwart, William Shatner, has refused an invitation to host a Star Trek convention at a Whitechapel community centre on the grounds that a killer hedgehog that is currently at large in the borough could threaten his safety.

Speaking from his home in California, the 137-year-old star told The Whelk: “Normally, I would jump at the chance to visit a great place like Whitechapel, but with a killer hedgehog on the loose, it’s a chance I’m not prepared to take.

“I’ve been in many sticky situations during my career as a spaceship captain, like the time I shot a 3-headed monster with my ray gun that was about to eat Bones and Scotty, but there are limits I’m afraid and you have to draw the line somewhere.

“Maybe, if the police or the zoo capture the hedgehog and…

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