Monthly Archives: February 2018

Anti-boxing man held for domestic violence

The-Fair-Fight-by-Anna-Freeman-Female-boxers-and-brothels-in-fiction-debut-497614 Savagery. Two bloodied pugilists pictured trading blows while a baying mob looks on.

A 45-year-old Whitechapel man who regularly speaks out against the sport of professional boxing was last night arrested at his home and charged with assaulting his wife after neighbours raised the alarm when a heated argument. between the couple developed into violence.

The unnamed man is believed to be a strong anti-boxing lobbyist who regularly writes to his MP on the subject and sends letters to newspapers, demanding an end, to what he believes to be, the barbarity of the professional fight game.

The man’s wife was admitted to hospital and later discharged after being treated for facial injuries and a mild concussion

In other news, a vegan woman from Bow in East London was arrested last night after police raided her home following a tip-off and discovered a halal abattoir in her conservatory.

Editor’s Note: If…

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Brit tourist hospitalised in Alabama following ‘fag’ misunderstanding

fags What’s in a name? English cigarettes or a collection of American homosexual gentlemen? You decide.

A 42-year-old British tourist was badly beaten in a bar in Montgomery, Alabama, last Friday evening after telling fellow drinkers that he was ‘dying for a fag’ (the English colloquial term for cigarettes) after running out of rolling tobacco earlier in the evening.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Whitechapel, had failed to realise the homosexual connotations of his statement and was attacked by a number of drinkers before being tied to a pickup truck by his ankles and dragged around the car park.

Mr Dell’s wife, Tracy, 42, told reporters outside the hospital: “Toby’s on the mend and will be discharged tomorrow. He’s understandably upset by what happened, particularly because he’s the vice-chairman of the East London Anti-Gay and Lesbian Society”

In a similar incident in 2016, a 30-year-old rugby-loving man from Whitechapel…

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Bone spur prevented me from helping Florida schoolkids says Sheriff’s deputy

RA5100 A painful and debilitating bone spur pictured earlier

Underfire Deputy, Scot Peterson, who has been widely condemned for failing to act when a crazed shooter opened fire on students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida last week, has told reporters that a painful bone spur condition prevented him from entering the building to tackle the gunman.

Speaking from outside his home, Peterson told newsmen: “As soon as I heard the opening shots, I realised time was of the essence and that I needed to get into that building to tackle the shooter without delay.

“Unfortunately, just as I was about to sprint over to the door, my bone spur began to play up and I realised at once that I couldn’t continue.

“I waited outside the building for the pain to subside so that I could swing into action but to no avail.

“I’m sorry that I was…

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London braces itself for Siberian Baby-Crusher Thunder Bastard Snow-Dusting of Despair

8323588571_91f726a282_z Snow joke. London’s Hackney Marsh pictured after the devastating Granny Smasher storm of 1963

People across London were preparing to batten down the hatches last night following Met Office warnings of lowish temperatures accompanied by a light dusting of snow at some point during the coming week.

BBC weatherman, Darren Bett, told viewers last night: “According to the radar, a Siberian Baby-Crusher Thunder Bastard Snow Dusting of Despair is gathering force over Western Europe and is expected to hit the South-Eastern corner of Britain, including London, around Tuesday night.

“Temperatures could fall as low as 4, or even 5 degrees Celsius in the capital, accompanied by the odd snow flurry that could leave a light dusting on walls and shed roofs across the entire region.

“Our advice is to stay under the duvet for a few days until we tell you it’s safe to have a look out of the…

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Local woman battered partner following basmati rice boasting incident court told

9117_fit512 A perfectly cooked serving of basmati rice, similar to the one cooked by the victim, pictured earlier

A 49-year-old Whitechapel woman was given a 2-year suspended sentence at Bow Street Magistrates Court yesterday after pleading guilty to Assault Occasioning Actual Bodily Harm after the court heard that she had attacked her partner with a cast iron skillet after he’d boasted that his method of cooking basmati rice was far better than hers and that she was unwilling to change, what he had called, her tired and antiquated method.

Tracy Carter, a company director from Vallance Road, told the court that she had “snapped” when her partner, Toby Dell, 28, a commodities broker, made the remarks after he had cooked a delicious serving of rice in which every grain was fluffy and separate, unlike the homogenous, starchy stodge she would routinely come up with week in, week out.

Passing sentence, the…

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Ask Toby: The Mechanic & Relationship Counsellor You Can Trust

279585471_cffe2b09b3_bAs a mechanic of many years standing and therefore a member of one of the truly unimpeachable and most respected professions, along with estate agents, tabloid journalists and football agents, I often receive letters from distressed members of the public who need a little comfort or sage advice from someone they can rely on to be forthright and honest in their dealings with them. The following is just one example of the type of problem I deal with on a regular basis:

Dear Toby

I’m a 19-year-old girl and my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now and have recently become engaged to be married which is wonderful.

However, my entire world has been turned upside down by recent events and I’m hoping that I can turn turn to you for some sound advice and comfort in what has been a truly horrendous few days for…

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Local man keenly anticipating spending another entire day reading WordPress blog posts

frustrated_man_at_computer-600x400 Mr Dell pictured yesterday preparing to post a flattering comment on a post extolling the virtues of female genital mutilation.

A 66-year-old man from East Smithfield Street has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he’s eagerly looking forward to yet another day poring over WordPress blogs.

Toby Dell, a retired forklift truck engineer, was already seated in front of his laptop when a Whelk reporter spoke to him at 7.00am yesterday morning.

“I like to stick to a strict regime when it comes to my daily WordPress activities,” he said, excitedly perusing a blog post from an American septic tank company.

“I’m up bright and early each morning and aim to read at least 60 pieces before popping down to Tobacco Dock at 9.00am for a stroll along the wharf before my bowl of porridge. I find the fresh air and gentle exercise replenishes my enthusiasm for the next 6-hour stint…

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