Monthly Archives: January 2018

My mind-cleansing helmet will expunge the memory of Noddy & Big Ears’ gay romps says Jacob Rees-Mogg

jacob Mr Rees-Mog MP, pictured yesterday looking even more of a complete twat in a silly hat.

Controversial Conservative backbencher, Jacob Rees Mogg, yesterday claimed to have built a mind-cleansing helmet, which can completely eradicate any memories of Noddy & Big Ears sharing a bed in earlier versions of the children’s TV classic, which may still haunt some of Britain’s elderly population.

Before the new computer-generated version of Enid Blyton’s books appeared on our screens, Noddy & Big Ears would be routinely depicted in the same bed at night, which, according to Rees-Mogg, could have traumatised many of Britain’s elderly population and may have caused over a million normal men to “turn towards sodomy”, he told newsmen yesterday at the unveiling of his mind-cleansing device.

“Just 2 minutes of wearing this helmet will completely wipe the memories of Noddy & Big Ears’ debauched lifestyle”, he claimed.

“My wife has tried it…

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BREAKING: Episode of Say Yes To The Dress triggered local man’s machete killing spree

extra!From our crime and haute couture correspondent, Danny Soz

A 46-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London yesterday embarked on a murderous spree armed with a machete which left 18 dead after becoming enraged at the banality of popular TV show, Say Yes To The Dress

Toby Dell, an arc welder and father of 3, became incandescent with rage while watching the show which features American women choosing a wedding dress.

Dell reportedly became unhinged by the stultifying stupidity of both the format and the protagonists alike and dashed out into the street where he hacked at passersby with a machete.

His wife, Tracy, 38, told The Whelk: “He was sitting reading the paper in front of the telly and glanced up when I switched on Say Yes To The Dress. It’s one of my favourite programmes along with Bones and Celebrity Big Brother.

“He seemed to be transfixed when…

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Brexiteers slowly returning to the primordial soup claims leading anthropologist

Stupid-man The Minister for Brexit pictured at a Conservative Party rally last night

A leading figure in the world of anthropology has put forward the theory that people who voted in favour of Britain leaving the European Union are gradually returning to the primordial soup where life is believed to have begun around 3.8 billion years ago.

Professor Tobias Dell, 57, from Whitechapel University in London, told the National Geographic Society, that within the next few year all Brexiteers will have returned to single-cell organisms who live in the primordial soup.

“Thousands of Brexiteers have already been spotted crawling on all-fours across the Serengeti Plain in Africa where the primordial soup is located,” he told assembled scientists.

“It’s a bit like the behaviour of, The Skeksis out of The Dark Crystal when they all felt some strange inexorable force drawing them back to the place of their creation.

“It’s my view…

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Self-publishing thugs stage murderous gang battle in East London library

knifegang0206a Carving out a literary reputation. East London self-publishers gather to discuss the perils of excessive alliteration

Police officers were called to the Whitechapel Municipal Library last night after a vicious fight broke out between rival gangs of youths, all of whom have self-published books on sale on the Amazon website and other online outlets.

Fighting broke out after a 16-year-old boy was taunted by a rival gang member about his errant usage of the Oxford comma.

Within minutes, a mass brawl was underway which left one 19-year-old, who has an abysmal anthology of poetry languishing in Amazon, lying dead. While a 17-year-old, whose poorly-written and laughingly grandiose pot-boiler sold less than 40 copies to his long-suffering family and WordPress followers, is in a critical condition in The Royal London Hospital.

A police spokesman told reporters last night: “This was a cynical attempt by lawless gangs of self-publishing thugs to establish a…

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Final Dead Sea Scroll foretold the coming of Honey Boo Boo

Exclusive - Alana Thompson Competes in "The Sparkle & Shine Pageant" Boo Boo pictured in jubilant mood last night after being told of her inclusion in The Dead Sea Scrolls

One of the last remaining obscure parts of the Dead Sea Scrolls has finally been deciphered by researchers in Israel.

Along with descriptions of a number of ancient seasonal rites, the scroll reveals that scribes in the 4th century BC prophesied the coming of American TV sensation Honey Boo Boo to our screens.

Israeli scholars at Haifa University painstakingly put together over 600 tiny fragments in order to finally decipher the ancient script.

Team leader, Professor Tobias Dellstein, told newsmen last night: “The final scroll contains details of seasonal celebrations performed by ancient Hebrew tribes and also accurately forecasts the appearance of Honey Boo Boo and her family on American TV shortly after the turn of the 21st century.”

Last year, Egyptologists at Cairo University revealed that hieroglyphics inside the sarcophagus of…

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Couple under-60 who went on Med cruise now suffering from age-related complaints

Old_People_10 ‘Ancient’ mariners. Mr and Mrs Dell pictured shortly after returning from the cruise

A 25year-old woman from Leman Street in Whitechapel has told The Whitechapel Whelk, that since arriving back from a 2-week trip around the Balearic Islands on a cruise liner, both she and her husband have become riddled with arthritis along with a number of other, textbook, age-related complaints.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser, told us, that along with joint pain, they are now suffering from lumbago, bladder incontinence and partial deafness.

“I can only assume we contracted all these ailments from our fellow passengers who were all quite elderly,” Mrs Dell said.

“It began as soon as we arrived back home. We were walking up the drive with our suitcases when we both had falls and had to be picked up and comforted by our neighbours.

“The next day, the arthritis started and then, in the afternoon, Toby…

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Trump gave me 60 one-arm press-ups while solving a Rubik’s Cube says White House doctor.

trump mentally stable geniusThe doctor who carried out President Donald Trump’s physical examination earlier this week has told a news conference, that at one point in the examination the president dropped to the ground and executed 60 perfect single-arm press-ups, while with the other, he solved a Rubik’s Cube puzzle in just under 10 seconds.

Dr Ronny Jackson told newsmen: “I have never seen anything like it in all my years as a physician. The president has to be the strongest, toughest and the most intellectually gifted individual on this planet.

“I was already utterly amazed at his cognitive abilities when he correctly identified a lion, a camel and a giraffe before colouring them in without going over the lines, but this just totally blew me away.

“I can only put it down to a life of abstinence from tobacco and alcohol and the military training that he underwent before serving in ‘Nam…

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Man who adopted ‘sympathy limp’ drowns in bridge fall tragedy

Regents-Canal-4 A bridge too far. Mr Dell pictured drowning as passersby look on

The body of a 35-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London was recovered from The Regent’s Canal near London Zoo yesterday morning after the man tumbled over a bridge parapet while faking a pronounced limp in order to make people feel sorry for him.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver, was spotted tumbling from the bridge as he adopted a heavy limp to gain sympathy from an attractive 19-year-old female who was walking towards him.

The woman in question told us: “He was walking perfectly normally at first. Then, as soon as he spotted me, he began dragging his right foot and listing heavily to one side.

“He then seemed to lose his balance and tumbled over the parapet. I looked over the side but he was gone.

“I was going to phone for help but I was…

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Hawaii: Sewage crisis reported after ballistic missile false alarm

toilet 2According to reports, the sewage system in Hawaiian capital, Honolulu, backed up and overflowed into the street just minutes after the island’s authorities mistakenly issued a nuclear alert yesterday afternoon.

Residents reported seeing manhole covers being forced up by water pressure from tens of thousands of flushing toilets and liquid effluent running through the streets.

One resident said: “I haven’t seen that amount of shit since the president’s last televised speech”

Hospitals throughout the island also reported an influx of people being treated for temporary deafness due to the ear-shattering mass fart that resounded across the country seconds after the alert was broadcast.

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Whelk Showbiz Exclusive: I use 12 cans of Gillette Foamy to shave my big face claims Olly Murs

olly memePop icon, Olly Murs, has told The Whelk that he uses 12 cans of shaving foam every morning and gets through over 20 disposable razors during a single shave of his big face.

The Dance With Me star told The Whelk’s showbiz editor, Sofia Dee: “Having a gigantic face is great most of the time but there are some drawbacks, like shaving in the morning.

“I routinely get through about a dozen cans of Gillette Foamy and countless razor blades. It’s time-consuming too. Quite often, I’ll finish shaving and rinse off the remnants of foam only to find that my moustache has grown back while I was doing the bits under my huge chin and I have to start again.

“I’ve tried growing a beard but a number of wild animals moved into it, mistaking my massive face for the Amazonian jungle.

“On the bright side, Brut aftershave have given me…

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