Monthly Archives: December 2017

A Song for Christmas

carol_singers

‘Carol Singers’ – Artist unknown

The following is a true account of an evening I spent in a small bedsit room in the Alfama district of Lisbon, Portugal in 1974.

December had thrown it’s chill cloak over Lisbon, the nights had turned towards Christmas, bone cold, silent and dripping with pendulous stars.

I finished dinner around 8.00, and as I slumped into an armchair, my limbs heavy with food and my head thick with red wine, there was a soft knocking at the door.

I opened it and was confronted with 5 or 6 small tousle-haired urchins, aged around six or seven.

Their leader was a beautiful Moreno boy, his hair tight with curls, black as pitch, framing a face that seemed to move like water in the light of the lantern he held. He bade me, ‘boa noite senhor’ then gave a few hushed instructions to his companions.

After some preliminary shuffling and nudging, they began to sing with diamond clear voices that seemed to slice through the chill night air, sharp, falsetto and unutterably beautiful.

They sang of a child born in a stable; of a star hanging in the night sky; of The Virgin and the hot rancid breath of the beasts that stood over the infant.

As I watched and listened, it felt to me as if the tidings they were bringing were new, the joy still fresh.

A tiny, doll-like girl of around 5 took up a solo and sang in a voice so clear and pitched so high that one felt stripped and shriven of all sins.

As she sang, the others watched her with dark solemn eyes, lips pursed, ready to enter the chorus. And as they added their voices to hers, their heads seemed to become disembodied, floating in the air like Botticelli spirits.

And looking at this ragged little bunch I believed all that they told me, for they were bone thin with eyes that swam with disease and knew what it was to sleep on beds of straw.

After giving them what few coins I had and some slices of thick bread and jam, I closed the door and returned to my armchair.

I sat motionless for some time, listening to the chatter of passers-by in the street below, staring thoughtfully through the bare window at the quartered moon pinned against the black velvet of the night sky.

Merry Christmas

Danny

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Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer Champion

The Whitechapel Whelk

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a single mum with 3 children aged 3, 4, and 6. As a special Christmas treat, I thought I’d take them to a local Winter Wonderland so that they could see Santa and generally enjoy the magic of Christmas

However, when we got there, the place was in a terrible state. All the fake snow had blown away, leaving the ground like a muddy quagmire. The reindeer were just large dogs with bits of twig glued to their heads, and, to make matters worse, when I took the little ones into Santa’s grotto he was lying on the floor drunk with his trousers around his ankles. He barely acknowledged the kids, and when he did speak, he called them his best mates and asked for drink and cigarettes before becoming aggressive and threatening to take the lot of them.

I tried to get my money back, but…

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Local man concerned best friend had boner during man-hug.

The Whitechapel Whelk

man hug Boneless. A tumescence-free man-hug in the olden days

A 30-year-old Whitechapel man has expressed concern that his long-time best friend may have been sporting an erection when they greeted each other with an embrace in Leman Street last Saturday evening

Toby Dell, a night watchman in a forklift truck warehouse, told us: “I spotted my mate across the street and ran over for a chat. We had a quick man-hug as we hadn’t seen each other for a couple of months.

“It was then that I felt something hard pressing against my leg. I’m almost certain he had a boner, or, at the very least, a lazy lob on.

“I immediately broke off the hug and hurried away, shouting over my shoulder that I had to meet the old woman and take her to Tescos.

“I’m hoping that it was down to the fact that he’d recently spotted a really…

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Police question local woman who left self-publisher unattended during Spanish jaunt

The Whitechapel Whelk

How-to-self-publish-a-book-3 No! Please do give up! We’re begging you here!

A 23-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London was in police custody last night after spending 7 nights partying in the Spanish resort of Magaluf, leaving her 25-year-old boyfriend unattended, despite knowing that he is a habitual self-publisher with 6 horrendous books and an anthology of truly atrocious poetry currently being ignored on the Amazon eBook website.

A close friend of the woman, who can’t be named, told us: “I cannot believe she’s done this. She knows he’s a self-publisher, and yet, she goes swanning off on holiday leaving him unsupervised.

“Imagine if there’d been a fire or he’d paid a predatory bandit a ridiculous fee for the privilege of having his disgustingly poor output advertised for sale on Kindle Books.

“She could have come home to find he’d flooded the bathroom, set fire to the curtains or had received half…

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Anti-Vaccine mum blames NHS for faulty diode in car’s alternator.

alternator

An alternator pictured last night. Notice how the MMR jab has completed fucked the commutator.

A 27-year-old mother of 5 from Whitechapel in East London has blamed the fact that her mother was given a smallpox vaccination in 1975 for a recent alternator fault on her Renault Megane which was found to be due to a faulty diode.

Mrs Mary Dell, a health food shop assistant, told us: “I put the blame for this firmly at the door of the NHS. If they hadn’t tried to make my mum autistic by giving her an injection to ward off smallpox none of this would have happened.

“They’re plain evil and won’t be happy until their so-called life-saving vaccines have turned all our kids into complete mongs and there’s not a properly functioning car left on the road.”

Avid homoeopathy practitioner, Mrs Dell’s children were taken into care last month after she persisted in treating their congenital liver disorders by making them eat boiled grass.

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Scottish women prepare to hang washing out as Storm Caroline upgraded to Cat 5 BabyCrusherThunderBastard

Celtic-fans

Scottish housewives pictured celebrating the Met Office upgrade last night

Women north of the border are looking forward to taking advantage of powerful storm force winds today after the Met Office upgraded Storm Caroline to a Category 5 BabyCrusherThunderBastard last night.

Mrs Tracy McDell, 24, from Maryhill in Glasgow told Dafty News: “This is great new fae me so it is. Ye dont get many guid dryin’ days like this yin promises tae be. When ye dae get a guid bit wind, it’s usually pissin’ doon with rain and aw. Aye, ah’ll be able tae get aw the kid’s stuff oot oan the line the day ah’m thinkin'”

Weathermen are warning people in Scotland to stay indoors when Caroline hits and to only venture outside for vital trips like going to the off-licence, or for a night out at the bingo.

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Middle-aged local man who attempted nimble hop onto pavement in front of pretty girl ruptures spleen

The Whitechapel Whelk

spleen Mr Dell’s spleen pictured in happier times during a recent holiday in Crete

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night after rupturing his spleen as he tried to hop nimbly from the road onto the pavement in front of an attractive young woman yesterday afternoon.

Toby Dell, a married man and father of 7, told The Whelk: “It was against my better judgement, but when I saw the girl looking in my direction, I attempted a carefree and nimble hop onto the pavement. I immediately felt this sharp pain and collapsed to the ground with a ruptured spleen.”

We managed to trace the girl concerned last night who told our reporter that Mr Dell “needs to grow up” and that, in her opinion, he was, “a fucking idiot”

This incident comes just a week after a 50-year-old man from Bethnal Green was killed when tried to vault…

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