Monthly Archives: November 2017

EXCLUSIVE: Deaths from shame overtakes cancer as America’s biggest killer

The Whitechapel Whelk

trump whelk bigly and bestThe United States Dept of Health has revealed that dying from shame has overtaken cancer as the biggest cause of death across the United States of America and draws direct parallels with the election of Donald Trump in 2016.

Latest studies indicate, that 1 in 3 Americans will be at risk of curling up behind the sofa and giving up the will to live during the remaining tenure of the Trump presidency, as opposed to 1 in 6 who will contract The Big C at some point in their lives.

A Department of Health spokesman said last night: “There was an initial sharp rise in shame-related deaths during the inauguration, with over 2 million Americans quietly succumbing to the humiliation of having a moronic, loud-mouthed sex offender as their commander in chief.

This figure has climbed steeply ever since, showing distinct peaks at a number of stages of President Trump’s…

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EDITORIAL: Whitechapel Whelk now being read by a tiny proportion of people in Vietnam.

The Whitechapel Whelk

peasant girlWe at The Whitechapel Whelk are happy to announce that we are now being read by somebody in the Indo-Chinese country of Vietnam.

We NEVER look at our stats as a general rule, as we regard the practice as a bit tragic and needy. However, yesterday, our sub-editor – who had been drinking quite heavily I hasten to add – drew it to our attention that somebody in Vietnam had read the piece we did, ripping the living piss out of self-published writers.

Personally, I like to think that it was a heavily pregnant peasant girl, toiling in a rice field under a burning sun, who, during a quick tea break, spotted the piece on her phone and had a little schadenfreude-based chuckle before giving birth to twins in the aforementioned field later that afternoon.

So, if you’ve ever been read by an impoverished worker from the 3rd world and would…

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BREAKING

whelk trump tax

In other news, the President reveals he has an invisible ass: “I can’t even find it with both hands” he tells Vladimir Putin

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Government announce plans to cull self-published writers

The Whitechapel Whelk

self published bookIn what is being seen in some quarters as a controversial move, the Home Secretary, Amber Rudd, last night announced a two-year plan that will see 8 million self-published writers trapped and humanely destroyed in a bid to stop the burgeoning number of people who are paying licenced bandits to have their abysmal copy shoved into a cheap paper jacket before being flogged on Amazon at some risibly optimistic price before being given away free a few weeks later with a subscription to a DIY magazine.

It is estimated that 99% of this output will be bought by a few family members and reluctant friends who will stick their hands in their pockets out of a mixture of pity and loyalty. The remaining 1% will be used as cheap draught-excluders by Scottish people.

Mrs Rudd told a late-night sitting in The Commons: “The self-publishing figures are growing out of control…

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BREAKING: Government urges people to make small talk during a nuclear strike.

The Whitechapel Whelk

nuclear-bomb-explosion-blast-city-shutterstock528910063The government yesterday issued new guidelines on how to react when under nuclear attack, advising people to make banal small talk during any future apocalyptic bombardment

In the official booklet: ‘The Nuclear Winter and You: A Handy Guide’, the government urges people to, “Have a chat with a friend or neighbour, broaching harmless topics such as gardening, light entertainment, crochet, or cookery

“By making small talk and discussing mundane, everyday matters, your mind will naturally turn to more pleasant fare until the moment comes when you are turned into a negative”

Meanwhile, in the United States of America, President Donald Trump responded positively to Britain’s initiative in a 2.00am tweet: ‘The great people of Britain are showing the world how to deal with uranium which can be a bad thing, believe me. These are tremendously great people, my friends. So great. Have I run out of characters ye…’

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The Art of Blogging #2

 

wordpress val

WordPress Family Val Hughes pictured earlier

1: Keep it short. 1 to 3 words maximum. Any longer and no fucker will read it, trust me

2: Put a picture of a flower at the top

3: Visit shedloads of other blogs, making irritating, over-the-top comments.

4: Wear a silly hat

NEXT WEEK: How hosting a blog based on sceptic tank emptying and/or the Christian faith will make you better in bed.

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Constant Facebook whining about health issues more effective than homoeopathy say doctors

hospital 2

Facebook whining in the olden days

A recent report in The Lancet magazine has shown that people who whinge at length about chronic health conditions on the social media site, Facebook, stand a slightly better chance of recovering than those who choose homoeopathic remedies.

The report states, that according to findings by The Royal College of Surgeons, people who drone on endlessly about their aches and pains on their timelines stand absolutely no chance of the practice making the slightest difference to their tedious condition, compared to a less than zero chance of homoeopathic medicine having any beneficial effect whatsoever.

A spokesman for the RCS told a meeting of The General Medical Council: “Serial Facebook whiners are wasting their time, to be honest, and the sooner they start to realise that nobody reads their whinging old toot and, more importantly, that no one cares, the better for all concerned.

These findings come just a day after a study by The Royal Choral Society revealed that people who inflict their risible taste in music on their Facebook friends deserve hanging and hanging high.

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