Monthly Archives: October 2017

Time traveller JFK knew that Geoff Hurst’s shot crossed the line in ’66 World Cup, released documents reveal


Absolutely miles over. Hurst slams in Englands decisive and totally legit 3rd goal in ’66

Previously hidden documents related to the 1963 assassination of President John F Kennedy, have revealed that Kennedy built a time machine in his shed at The White House and had used it to travel forward in time to 1966 where he attended the World Cup Final between England and West Germany.

When Kennedy arrived back he wrote in his diary that Geoff Hurst’s hotly disputed winning goal in extra time had definitely crossed the line “by at least a foot”

The document now proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that Hurst’s wonder strike was a legitimate goal and should finally put a stop to the Germans constantly going on about it.

The world’s media have now accepted the news, apart from The Scotsman newspaper, who have dubbed the findings, ‘fake news’ and have referred to Kennedy as a ‘sad loser’ in today’s editorial.

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‘Sex Addict’ Weinstein To Be Weaned Off Starlets by Gradual Exposure to Less Attractive Women

ugly woman Don’t come up and see me sometime. A slightly unattractive woman pictured last night

Disgraced movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein, has now entered an exclusive clinic where his so-called sex addiction will be addressed by exposing him to a steady stream of females, each one slightly less attractive than the last, in the hope that, by the time he gets to the real tugboats, his predilection for molesting women will have dissipated.

A spokesman for the $2000 dollar-a-night clinic in Beverly Hills told us: “Mr Weinstein will be visited by a number of women on a nightly basis, starting with a few real crackers.

“Then, over the next few nights, the quality will go rapidly downhill, until after a fortnight, he’ll be served up some real hounds that, quite frankly, you wouldn’t even fancy touching with someone else’s.

“It’s a bit like weaning an addict off heroin by giving him methadone I…

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WHELK EXCLUSIVE: Man with funny hat now following every blog on WordPress except this one

funny hat A man with a funny hat pictured earlier

In an exclusive interview with The Whelk, the popular blogging site, WordPress, has revealed that the bloke whose avatar portrays a World War II American serviceman wearing a funny hat is now following every blog on the site apart from The Whitechapel Whelk.

A WordPress PR executive told us last night: “The bloke in the funny hat is now following everyone except you. He seems to share every conceivable interest, from journalism, to horticulture, to 18th-century erotica.

“One of our staff recently had an in-depth look at all the ‘likers’ on every blog in existence and the picture of the man in the funny hat was present on every one.

“It’s quite extraordinary how varied his interests are to be honest. He even ‘liked’ a post advertising a septic tank cleaning service last week.”

We tried to get a response from the bloke…

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‘Train Rage’ Local man held after attacking passengers on train that overtook his

steam train Absolutely steaming. Mr Dell’s trained pictured arriving at London Bridge yesterday

A 47-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after he attacked passengers on a train that had overtaken his own on the approach to London Bridge station yesterday.

According to a police spokesman, Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, became enraged when the 8.30 Oxted to London Bridge train pulled up alongside his own as they were held at a red signal and then pulled away marginally quicker before arriving at Platform 14, seconds before Mr Dell got to Platform 10

Dell then allegedly raced over to Platform 14 and began attacking the passengers as they got off, accusing them of ‘liberty-taking’ and ‘trying to burn him off at the lights’

Two passengers received minor facial injuries and one was pushed to the ground before Dell finally calmed down after a young woman told him to ‘just leave…

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Trump vows to aid UNHCR following refugee crisis appeal

trump whelk bigly and best

US President Donald Trump was quick to respond last night after hearing an appeal from the United Nations High Commission for Refugees yesterday.

The UNHCR had earlier issued an appeal on behalf of the thousands fleeing from the war-torn Democratic Republic of Congo and the President was quick to throw his immediate support behind the UNHCR initiative.

Speaking to newsmen in The White House briefing room, Trump said: “As soon as I heard that these guys were appealing for refugees I wanted to help.

“If there’s a shortage of them and the United States can create any more, then I’m 100% committed to doing whatever I can.

“Maybe we could invade Puerto Rico and create a few refugees that way. They’ve been a real pain in the ass lately anyways.

“I’ll have a word with my guys tomorrow and see what we can do. If the UN guys are prepared to…

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FBI crack Vegas shooting riddle thanks to Youtube. Prince Philip held!

tinfoil twat

Tinfoil twat: A typical Youtube conspiracy genius pictured last night

The Federal Bureau of Investigation last night announced that they have arrested and charged, The Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip, with the mass shootings in Las Vegas on October 1, after an agent spotted a link posted by a member of the public on Youtube which pointed the finger at the 90-year-old husband of Her Majesty The Queen.
An FBI spokesman said last night: “If only we’d looked on Youtube earlier. I just wish it had been around at the time of The Boston Strangler, we’d have saved an awful lot of time and effort and no mistake.
Scotland Yard are now also believed to be looking at Youtube footage and have already established that Bruce Forsythe was Jack The Ripper and that Margaret Thatcher’s nan was the fearsome, Beast of Belsen.
If you’re a slow-witted, overly-excitable dullard with a crackpot theory on the solution to any really tricky unsolved crimes during the last century or so, post your thoughts on Youtube so that the rest of us can all have a bloody good laugh and a point at your expense.

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Vegas Massacre: The President Speaks Out

trump a sick man

More as we get it

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20th Century Whelk Proudly Present…!

Hitler-Salute-1935Das Pie Und Mash: A heartbreaking motion picture which chronicles the struggles of a simple Austrian house painter as he seeks world domination and a decent plate of East London scoff.

Starring: Danny “The Liebling of Limehouse” SoZ as Adolf Twitler


Obergruppenführer Artful Dodger as “Pineapple” Fritz, his faithful aide de camp

Filmed in Jellied Eel Vision on location at The Blind Beggar, Whitechapel Road, London E1

All rights up for reasonable offers

©Whelk Film Workshop

Not suitable for Under 18s, Over 18s, and people from South London

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