Monthly Archives: September 2017

Ask Ted Threesome: The Sexually Insane Whitechapel Gardening Consultant

ted threesome

Dear Ted

The wife and I have planted some geraniums (pelargoniums) in pots. They all have a flower bud, but someone told me to cut out the first bud to get more blooms for the rest of the year. Is this right?

Toby and Tracy Dell
London W1


Dear Toby and Tracy

Have you ever done it in the potting shed where people can see you? I bet you have, you saucy bleeders!

It’s the excitement of being discovered, isn’t it? I bet you and Tracy are going at it full pelt right now aren’t you? Let’s webcam!

Do you enjoy being restrained Toby? Does Tracy lash you to the bed with thick gardening twine and then push phallic-shaped root vegetables up your bottom? I bet she does, the filthy little slut! Webcam me!

Do you want me to send you pics of me pleasuring myself on my…

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The Queen drinks 2 bottles of chilli vinegar a day, claims Palace insider

chilli-vinegar-2 Some bottles of chilli vinegar pictured in The Queen’s larder last night

A source close to the Royal Family has told The Whitechapel Whelk, that Her Majesty, The Queen, drinks 2 bottles of non-brewed chilli vinegar a day in the belief that the condiment disinfects her insides and preserves her vital organs.

“The Queen drinks a bottle straight down as soon as she wakes up,” the source told us “Then, just before she turns in for the night, she downs the second one.

“She never uses a glass, she just unscrews the top and downs the contents in one go and throws the empty bottle in the recycling.

“She has tried to convince other members of The Royal Family of the benefits, but they don’t want to know.

The only one who gave it a try was Fergie, who took a few swigs one Boxing Day after dinner, but she didn’t like…

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whelk tablet trump kimThis bulletin wasn’t bought to you by The Bigly Mambian Covfefe Co. Ltd.

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NFL sonsofbitches are disrespecting the fact that I would have been a war hero, claims Trump

Donald Trump Holds Campaign Rally In NevadaUS President, Donald Trump, last night hit back at the American football stars who have been protesting against recent racial injustices by kneeling during the national anthem before games.

Trump told a Republican party rally last night: “These NFL sonsofbitches are disrespecting our flag, our country, and worst of all, they are disrespecting the gallantry I would have undoubtedly shown in the Vietnam war if my deferral hadn’t come through before I could kick Cong ass.

“Had it not been for that bone spur in my foot, I would undoubtedly have been decorated many, many times for acts of heroism, above and beyond the call of duty, and these un-American, football-playing fags would do well to remember that.

“Aso, I wouldn’t have got my ass captured like that loser John McCain either. On the contrary, it’s only that damn foot condition of mine that saved literally hundreds of Cong from…

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Local woman feels her love for her husband lessen significantly after tea towel ironing incident

iron An iron pictured putting a marriage at risk last night

A 25-year-old Whitechapel woman has admitted that she felt her love for her husband of 7 years wane after she came home from the shops and found him ironing a small number of tea towels

Tracy Dell, a nursery nurse, told The Whelk: “The moment I saw Toby ironing those tea towels something inside me broke and I felt my love for him diminish.

“I’m not really sure why. Maybe it was his stance at the ironing board, which looked pretty gay if I’m being honest with you.

“It was either that, or it was the way he was sprinkling small amounts of water onto the towels with his fingers before pressing them with the iron like some kind of big mincing fairy.

“Whatever it was, I know that I shall never love him as deeply as I once loved…

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Remember. You heard it here second!

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Farage calls for Million Bigot March


Extreme right-wing political activist, Nigel Farage, has announced plans to stage a march on The Houses of Parliament at the end of the month to protest against what he sees as a softening of government resolve to bring about a so-called, ‘Hard Brexit’

In what is being dubbed, The One Million Bigot March, former UKIP leader, Farage is calling on feeble-minded racists throughout the country to voice their protests at the government’s recent procrastination over whether or not to push the country over a cliff into what is widely believed to an economic abyss.

Speaking on his LBC radio phone-in show, Farage was in combative mood: “I’m calling on every fair-minded and patriotic Briton to join me on a march to demonstrate to parliament the will of the people of this great nation.

“This isn’t the time for carefully-considered and pragmatic decision-making. This is the time for us all to charge over the precipice like swivel-eyed lemmings”

Farage then flew to Germany where he was a guest speaker last night at a torchlit rally to celebrate the birthday of The Beast of Belsen

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The Art of Blogging (Bullshit-Free Edition)

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I wrote this as a counter to one of the most unintentionaly hilarious, misguided, and pretentious pieces of old bollocks it has ever been my misfortune to encounter in the language of Shakespeare.

The Art of Blogging by Danny SoZ

1: Write any old shit

2: Visit other blogs containing shit just as bad, or even worse, than your own literary effluent

3: Lavish the ‘writer’ with praise, so risibly over-the-top, they will begin to think you’re in the throes of orgasm

4: Wait a few hours for reciprocal bullshit


Danny Soz is the managing editor of The Dunning-Kruger Syndrome Gazette


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