Monthly Archives: May 2017

Olly Murs offered entire branch of Whitechapel Women’s Institute £5 to sit on his big face claims Chairwoman

The Whitechapel Whelk

olly memeThe Chairwoman of the Whitechapel branch of The Women’s Institute has made the shock claim, that, pop icon, Olly Murs, offered her five pounds in cash if she would arrange for the entire 200 strong branch to sit on his huge face simultaneously at his luxury flat in nearby Wapping.

Mrs Tracy Dell, 54, a housewife and former world speed crocheting champion, told The Whelk.

“Olly Murs approached me after a branch meeting last Wednesday and asked for a word in private.

“We went to a local teashop where he paid for a pot of tea and a plate of coconut macaroons.

“He seemed very nice at first and we chatted about cookery, needlecraft and dealing with persistent groupies.

“Then he offered me five pounds if I would arrange for the other ladies to come to his flat on Friday and sit on his massive face all at the same…

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Local man dismayed by the standard of the people that Facebook suggests he may know.

The Whitechapel Whelk

clive distorted Fed up. A visibly disappointed Mr Dell pictured last night

A 47-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he has become increasing alarmed by the appalling physical appearance of some of the people that Facebook post to his timeline under the heading of “People You May Know”

Toby Dell, a plasterer’s hod carrier, told us: “You wouldn’t believe the state of some of ’em. The women are probably the worst. I was treated to one the other day who looked as if she’d been repeatedly smashed in the face with a frying pan.

“Would it be too much to ask that they vet some of these people before plastering them all across my page?

“There was a young kid of about 10 on there the other day who was so rank I mistakenly took him for being ex-New York mayor, Rudi Giuliani”

Facebook issued a brief statement last night:…

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Ask Spunky Woods: The Masturbation Guru to The Stars

The Whitechapel Whelk

spunky-woods

Dear Spunky

On a recent flight to China to visit my girlfriend, who I hadn’t seen in 4 months, I masturbated to completion in the toilet a couple of hours before landing.

The thinking behind it, was, that if I cleared the tubes before meeting up with her again, I would be able to last longer when we were in bed together later that day.

My worry now is that there were security cameras hidden in the toilet and that footage now exists of me pleasuring myself.

I did notice that a couple of the stewardesses were looking at me a bit oddly and were giggling together when I came out.

Please help if you can Spunky as I’ve been so worried I’ve barely had a wink of sleep since the incident took place.

Regards

Joel Clunge-Disorder
Watford Junction

*********

Dear Joel

As a masturbation guru and self-abuse counsellor…

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The Alcohol-Fuelled Adventures of Stuporman. THIS WEEK: The Revenge of Chunder Woman!

The Whitechapel Whelk

stuporman and chunderwoman

It was a regular Saturday night in downtown Whitechapel. The bars and pubs were packed with revellers, letting their hair down after a long week on government hand-outs.

High in his eyrie above The Marquis of Granby public house in Whitechapel High Street, the drink-addled, crime-busting superhero, Stuporman, was staggering over to the fridge to get another can of Skol Special Strength.

Suddenly, the shrill scream of a woman rent the night air outside:

“Oh gawd blimey! It’s Chunder Woman, and she’s been drinking!”

Hearing the name of his arch nemesis, The Lush of Steel, felt every muscle in his body tense. He knew that there was no time to lose.

Racing to his Drinking Den of Solitude in the basement, our unsteady hero hurriedly downed 8 cans of Blackout super strength cider in readiness for the desperate clash of the alcohol-fuelled titans that he knew was about to come.

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My dead babies are with Catweasle now, says Syrian mother of slain family

 

catweasle

Catweasle pictured during happier times before he was pronounced dead last night

 

A 27-year-old Syrian woman, whose 5 children were killed during a Russian airstrike on a school close to her home in Damascus in March this year, has told of the comfort she has gained from the knowledge that her beloved young family have now been joined by the actor, Catweasle, who died last night at his home in Margate in Kent aged 104 following a short bout of illness.

Mrs Fatima Al-Nafissi whose children were aged between 4 and 10, wept as she told SoZ Satire: “My life was destroyed when my babies were taken. I lost all hope and was just existing from day to day, waiting for Allah to take me too so that I could be with them again.

“Then, last night on the news, I saw that Catweasle had died and it felt as if a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders.

“The knowledge that he is with my children now, watching over them, and maybe doing some of his magic tricks to make them smile is so comforting to me.

“Now, I feel ready to face life again and it’s all down to Catweasle being dead. I am truly blessed”

Later on today, Mrs Al-Nafissi will join thousands of other bereaved Syrian mothers in a minutes silence as they remember Catweasle and the role he played in all their lives and how his passing will bring them a semblance of comfort at last.

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