Monthly Archives: March 2017

FURIOUS CHUCK BERRY FANS SLAM ‘DISRESPECTUL’ CHILD RAPE VICTIMS

chuck

Angry fans of rock and roll legend, Chuck Berry, have reacted furiously to what they deem to be disrespectful behaviour towards their idol by victims of child rape, claiming they were decidedly slow in coming forward to praise the late “Johnny B Goode” star and convicted paedophile following his death on Saturday.

We spoke to one outraged fan who had filled his Facebook and Twitter feeds with tributes to Berry throughout yesterday.

“It’s so disrespectful and small-minded of the victims of child rape to shun the great man in this way.

“Sure we all knew he had a predilection for having sex with children, that he paid 1.5 million bucks to women that he’d filmed going to the bathroom at his restaurant and that he served time in jail for trafficking a minor, but people need to forget all that trivial shit and concentrate on the effect the man had on the development of rock through the years. You know, important shit like that”

We also spoke to a 65-year-old woman who had been repeatedly raped by a man during her pre-teen years, who told us: “I can understand why people admire Mr Berry and it’s only right that they be allowed to express their upset at his death. However, I’d rather not do that and I’m sorry if I’ve upset anybody by keeping my own counsel on this one”

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Concerns grow as hundreds of Trump supporters are poached for their hides

The Whitechapel Whelk

trump hide A Trump supporter’s hide, complete with tattoo, pictured on eBay last night

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that hundreds of Donald Trump supporters in some of the southern states of America have been killed by hunters who have then skinned them and sold their hides on the internet.

The pelts can fetch up to $12 each on the black market and are famed for their thickness, their blotchy redness around the neck area, and all-weather durability.

Many end up as car seat covers, or, in the case of extremely large pelts, as builders’ tarpaulins, which can be used to cover piles of bricks or open cement bags overnight.

A White House insider told us last night: “This disgusting trade in President Trump’s supporters has to stop. It’s bad enough that our popularity is dropping off alarmingly without these unscrupulous people preying on what remains of our support.

“I wouldn’t mind…

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Battle of The Boffins: Who’s the smartest? Brains out of Thunderbirds or a Brain’s faggot?

The Whitechapel Whelk

Brains Thunderbirds OR Brains FaggotsThis short Q&A will finally give a definitive answer to the age-old question of who is the biggest boffin: Brains from Thunderbirds or a Brain’s faggot in rich gravy.

Here we go then!

Q: What is quantum mechanics?

Brains out of Thunderbirds answered: A branch of physics which is the fundamental theory of nature at small scales and low energies of atoms and subatomic particles

The Brain’s faggot asked for more time.

1-0 to Thunderbirds’ Brains

Q: How far is the sun from Planet Earth

Brains out of Thunderbirds answered: 92,955,807 miles using the theory of astronomical units.

The Brains faggot asked for a calculator

2-0 to Thunderbirds’ Brains

Q: What is the correct name for a meatball made from pork, offal and onions that is often enjoyed with a rich gravy accompaniment

Brains out of Thunderbirds answered: 186,000 miles per second.

The Brain’s faggot said: Is it a faggot?

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‘Dear Deidre’ wife sues The Sun over husband’s underpants fetish

The Whitechapel Whelk

dear dedrie Undercrackers! Mr & Mrs Dell pictured after another unsatisfactory romp last night.

A 25-year-old Whitechapel woman whose husband is a model for theDeidre’s Photo Casebook, agony column in The Sun newspaper, has taken the paper to court, blaming them for her husband’s insistence on them both wearing their underpants during lovemaking sessions.

Mrs Tracy Dell, a local government worker, blames the newspaper for being the cause of her husband, Toby’s fetish and the reason why the couple are childless, despite their having tried for a baby throughout their 4-year marriage.

Mrs Dell wept repeatedly as she told us: “I can’t go on like this. I feel as if I’ve reached the end of my tether.

“Before we were married and he got the job with The Sun we had a perfectly normal loving relationship.

“Then, he began coming home after a Dear Deidre photo shoot insisting that we wear…

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Stephen Fry held after man was ‘nutted’ outside Sherlock Holmes convention.

The Whitechapel Whelk

stephen-fry Two-fisted. Fry confronts journalists shortly before last night’s ill-fated convention

Actor and comedian, Stephen Fry, was being held in an East London police cell last night after an altercation outside a Whitechapel venue where a convention of fans of the victorian sleuth, Sherlock Holmes, had taken place earlier in the evening.

Following the disturbance, a 46-year-old man was taken to hospital with a suspected broken nose after Fry had allegedly head-butted him following a disagreement about the sub-plot of the iconic Holmes mystery: The Sign of Four.

An eye-witness to the alleged attack told reporters: “The evening had gone really well. We’d had a couple of guest speakers and then a showing of the 1939 version of The Hound of The Baskervilles starring Basil Rathbone.

“At the end of the evening, we all went to the bar for a drink. It was then that I noticed Stephen Fry and this…

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