Monthly Archives: February 2017

Labour Party executive unfairly dubbed ‘extremist’ due to their 99% extremist executive, claims report


corbyn im going nowhere

Labour leader, Corbyn, outlines his political future last night


A recent report by a university study group has shown that the tiny minority of the Labour Party executive who are not extreme left-wing activists – hand-picked by party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, to deliver his neo-communist message – are being unfairly maligned in the press and in their constituencies, and are generally being lumped in with their extremist colleagues.

The report found that up to 1% of the Labour front bench and the party executive are not in favour of the latest calls for renationalisation of all public services, compulsory acceptance of at least one, disabled, black, transgender midget to every boardroom in the land, and free travel on the buses for anyone who can prove they’re not Jewish.

We spoke to one disillusioned Labour MP last night who said: “I just want to champion a fairer society for everybody in the country, irrespective of class, colour, or creed.

“The trouble is, whenever I express my views to colleagues, I get shouted down and called an apologist for the Zionist boss class. I just can’t win”

Following last night’s humiliating by-election defeat in Copeland, Corbyn tried to rally his crestfallen troops by announcing the appointment of a one-legged Chinese paedophile with a learning disability as Shadow Secretary of State for Education.

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Paul Nuttall claims that “a very dear friend” developed a cough due to the Bradford fire disaster

United Kingdom Independence Party newly elected leader Paul Nuttall speaks after the announcement of his success in the leadership election, in London
Under fire UKIP leader, Paul Nuttall, told reporters last night that “a very dear friend developed quite a nasty cough” just days after the tragic Bradford City stadium fire in 1985 in which 56 people lost their lives.

Far right-winger, Nuttall is currently under intense media scrutiny after making false claims that he had lost “close personal friends” in The Hillsborough Disaster in 1989.

Looking visibly upset, Nuttall told pressmen outside his temporary home in Stoke – where he is due to contest a by-election next week: “I’ll never forget my dear friend’s words to me as long as I live.

“I met him when he was on a visit to the wonderful city of Stoke, where I was staying at the time and where I spend every available day due to my deep love of the place and everybody who lives in it.

“He told me, that about a week after the fire had claimed all those innocent lives, he started to suffer from quite a nasty cough and he swears it was due to smoke inhalation from the burning stand which he says he must have breathed in when he was hanging his washing out in Leeds.

“He looked a broken man, and if it hadn’t been for my love of Stoke and my horror at the thought of having to leave this magnificent city, I’d have given him a lift home”

When questioned further about his friendship with the man, Nuttall became defensive and told reporters “He wasn’t that close really. He came round to service my boiler once, but we did have a cup of tea together and a chat about football. Particularly, Stoke City, who are my second favourite team after Everton”

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Local man blows off own genitals during Valentine’s firework stunt to impress girlfriend

fireworks-roman_candle Fire down below: A firework similar to the one that blew Mr Dell’s cock and balls off.

A 19-year-old Whitechapel man was being treated in hospital for serious burns last night after a pre-Valentine’s Day stunt ended in tragedy.

Casey Dell, an unemployed diesel fitter, had placed a lit roman candle down the front of his trousers, intending to unzip his fly in front of his girlfriend and treat her to an impressive firework ‘display’.

Sadly, things went tragically wrong when Mr Dell discovered that his zip had jammed and that he was unable to remove the firework, which then exploded repeatedly inside his underpants, resulting in the loss of the unfortunate lothario’s penis and one of his testicles.

Mr Dell was heavily sedated last night and was unable to comment, but we did manage to speak to his girlfriend, Tracy Carter, a 17-year-old hairdresser, who told The Whelk: “He…

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