Monthly Archives: January 2017

Whelk Exclusive: ‘Rowdy’ Obamas ejected from late night Whitechapel drinking den.

The Whitechapel Whelk

barack-and-michelle-barack-obama-2739161-690-458 Paralytic. Mrs Obama leans on her husband for support shortly before they were thrown out of the club

from our political piss-ups editor, Danny SoZ

Just hours after leaving The White House, which had been their home for the last 8 years, Michelle and Barack Obama were spotted drinking heavily in an illegal drinking and gambling den. or ‘speiler’, in London’s East End, from where they were later ejected by door staff who threw them into an alleyway via the fire exit.

According to reports, the pair were already in an inebriated condition when they arrived at around midnight last night. A witness told us that the former president told him that they’d had a “good skinful” on the Marine One helicopter on the way over.

“They were both unsteady on their feet,” the witness said. “Mrs Obama kept taking swigs from a hip flask and the president was drinking…

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‘Cheerful’ Facebook woman found hanged

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Mrs Harris as she appears in her Facebook avatar

 

A 35-year-old woman, described by friends as “always cheerful” has been found hanged at her bungalow in Lowestoft in Suffolk.

Mrs Jennifer Harris, a divorced mother of six, was found by a heating engineer who had gone to her home to carry out a repair on her boiler on Monday afternoon.

Mrs Harris was a keen user of social media, particularly Facebook, where she had over a thousand friends.

One of them told us last night: “This has come as a real shock. Jenny was the life and soul of my timeline. She was always so cheerful and full of life. She seemed to be so happy and content with life and always had an exciting new project on the horizon, whether it was foreign travel or just planning another weekend partying with her many friends. I’ll certainly miss her and her regular updates on how great her life is”

A neighbour of Mrs Harris, however, had a different view. Toby Dell, 45, told us: “She was a bit of a recluse, to be honest, and when she did venture out to buy groceries she seemed as miserable as sin. She had no visitors as far as I know and everyone around here thought she was a right pain in the arse. I’m not surprised she hanged herself to be honest”

Police are not treating her death as suspicious and believe her suicide may have been triggered by Facebook changing the ‘message’ icon at the top of people’s timelines.

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Bat Can & Rob Tin: The Totally Ineffectual, Crime-Fighting Tins of Beans

The Whitechapel Whelk

bat can & rob tin meme

It was a chill January afternoon in Whitechapel, East London. A nagging north wind tugged at the clothes of Mr Patel as he loaded his small van with goods from the cash and carry.

Among them were the staunch, crime-busting duo, Bat Can and his youthful ward, Rob Tin, who were on a cellophane-wrapped pallet at the back of the van.

They were vigilant and uneasy, aware that a number of audacious robberies had been committed in the area over recent weeks.

Suddenly, and without warning, all hell broke loose. Mr Patel was coshed from behind and fell heavily to the ground as two masked men began snatching the goods from the van and transferring them into the back of a large, white Ford Transit.

The two ace crime fighters knew there was no time to lose if the fiends were to be stopped from escaping with their valuable booty…

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Thames Garden Bridge to be replaced by Joanna Lumley in a rowing boat

 

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Lumley pictured going through her paces at Wapping Dock yesterday

 

The trust behind the ill-fated and controversial, Thames Garden Bridge Project, finally admitted that the plan was dead in the water last night and would now be replaced by a rowing boat containing project enthusiast actress Joanna Lumley and a bunch of flowers.

A spokesperson for the Garden Bridge Trust told us last night: “Due to the lack of enthusiasm from big businesses who were loath to invest in a bridge with trees on it, we have decided to abandon the plan and to focus instead on buying a second-hand rowing boat which will cross from Upper Thames Street to London Bridge three times a day during the week and once on Saturdays and Sundays.

“Our great friend, Joanna Lumley, has agreed to row people across, with a rose clenched between her teeth and a pot of chrysanthemums between her legs.

“We are hoping that the fares collected will recoup some of the 60 million quids worth of taxpayer’s money that we have basically spunked up the wall for them”

We spoke to Miss Lumley last night at her home in Islington who told us: “I haven’t rowed a boat since 1965 but I’m prepared to give up the gin and the gaspers and give it a jolly good go sweetie”

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Facebooker’s dismay at ‘low rent’ opening death in 2017.

 

jill-saward

Jill Saward, whose death yesterday failed to reach 2016 standards

 

A starstruck Facebooker has expressed his disappointment, at what he sees, as the poor quality of the first newsworthy death of the new year.

Jill Saward, a fierce campaigner for the rights of women who have been the victims of sexual assault and a rape victim herself in the 1970s, died yesterday aged 51.

Mr Toby Dell, 54, who treats the death of celebrities as if he’s just been informed that his mother has been crucified by ISIS, told us last night: “I was disgusted when I spotted all the furore over the death of this woman on the news last night.

“I mean to say, has she ever appeared in a film or even a TV series? She doesn’t even look good for God’s sake. If 2017 goes on like this it will be a very poor show indeed after the celebrity death fest we were treated to last year. Talk about low rent”

When we told Mr Dell of Jill’s tireless campaign to raise awareness about the treatment of rape victims and of her own horrific ordeal, he shrugged his shoulders and said: “And you expect me to change my avatar and pour out my heart on my timeline for that do you? I think not. Come back to me when you have evidence that she once appeared in a film firing a ray gun and I might have a rethink”

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The Queen is dead and Obama is responsible: Russia Today.

 

queen-elizabeth-ball-gown

The Queen pictured hours before she was murdered according to Russia Today

 

Fake News artists and Vladimir Putin media puppets, Russia Today, are sensationally claiming that Her Majesty, The Queen, is dead and that United States President, Barack Obama, killed her.

In today’s leader, they claim that Obama shot The Queen with a poison-tipped dart as she boarded a helicopter last week.

“The Queen of England was being helped to climb aboard a helicopter en route to Sandringham last week when President Obama shot her in the back of the neck with a dart from a blowpipe.” claims the 500-word article.

“He was hiding behind some wheelie bins and used hunting skills that he’d picked up in Africa, where he was born and spent the first 40 years of his life.

“The Queen died a few hours later, which is why she hasn’t attended church over the festive period.

“If The Queen does make a public appearance in future, it won’t be her. It will be that lady who goes around impersonating her for money. The British will be too scared to publically accuse Obama of murder in case he comes back and takes out Prince Philip as well”

In other news, Russia Today claim that they dropped a shipment of teddy bears on a children’s hospital in Aleppo yesterday, which flies directly in the face of accounts from witnesses on the ground who claimed they were barrel bombs.

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