World Formula 1 constructors champions, Mercedes, have announced that an illegal Somali immigrant they discovered clinging to the bottom of one of the team buses will replace retired F1 world champion, Nico Rosberg next season.
Mercedes team boss, Toto Wolff, made the surprise announcement at a press conference yesterday afternoon: “I’m delighted to announce that an illegal Somali immigrant will be replacing Nico for the 2017 season.
“We found him clinging to the chassis of Lewis Hamilton’s motor home when we arrived back in Britain after the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix last weekend and decided to give the kid a shot at the title next season.
“Let’s face it, he’ll be a lot cheaper than Fernando Alonso or Max Verstappen. We’ll get him signed on for benefits at the Jobcentre and sort him out with a shared flat near the factory for the time being. If he wants to bring his wife and kids over we’ll have a word with the Home Office.
“He’s pretty raw at the moment and has no actual motor racing experience to speak of, but we’re convinced we can train him up during the close season and that he’ll be competitive when the cars line up on the grid for the Australian Grand Prix next year”
Opinion was divided in the world of F1 last night with the sport’s supremo, Bernie Eccleston offering a guarded response to the news: “I don’t comment on driver selection as a rule, but I have to say this is an odd choice by the team.
“Personally, I’d have gone for a more experienced driver. A proper ‘balls on the dashboard’ type with a chequered history of dating glamorous women. Someone who can attract the sponsors and bring the crowds in”
F1 star, Sebastian Vettel, was even more scathing: “It’s a ridiculous choice in my view. It’s hard enough to get a drive in an F1 team these days without having illegals waltzing in and taking our jobs. I blame the bloody Schengen Agreement for all this you know. No wonder the Brits are binning the EU”
The, as yet unnamed illegal alien is currently being housed in a lockup garage in Northampton with 12 Nigerian Mercedes team mechanics and a Yemeni test driver.