Monthly Archives: December 2016

Google to introduce ‘celebrity death risk’ app in 2017

grim-reaper-grave-front-t-shirt-printThe Whitechapel Whelk has learned that internet giants, Google, will be introducing a subscription-based add-on to their latest Chrome browser in January 2017 which will enable subscribers to receive early warnings of a possible celebrity death.

Google hope that the ‘Mourn-o-Mate’ app will alert people whenever a celebrity is at a high to medium risk of passing away thereby enabling them to get their intensive Wikipedia research done in advance.

This, in turn, will make them appear to have been a lifelong devotee of the dead person in question with an encyclopaedic knowledge of their early life and career when they make their tribute post on Facebook within minutes of the announcement of their passing.

The app will issue an alert to the subscriber’s device whenever a celebrity calls the doctor and requests a home visit, or shows up on television looking alarming old and gaunt and sporting a deathly…

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National outpouring of grief following Katie Hopkins “I’ve never felt better” revelation.

katie-hopkins-memefrom our odious bitch queen correspondent, Danny SoZ.

There was a nationwide outpouring of grief last night after controversial media personality, Katie Hopkins, announced on her radio phone-in show that she is hale and hearty and has “never felt better”

Hopkins, notorious for her far right views and for her frequent outbursts on immigration and for her crass condemnation of people of colour in general, dropped the health bombshell during her 10.00 am show on LBC yesterday.

Following a ranting tirade against striking junior doctors, during which she called for armed police to open fire on hospital picket lines, Hopkins alluded to her own battle against epilepsy and her recent brain surgery.

“Naturally, I’m quite grateful to the National Health Service for taking good care of me during my recent stay in hospital.

“However, I still maintain my position, that should any of my surgical team take industrial action…

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George Michael was killed in US airstrike claims Russia Today


George Michael

Last Christmas? Yep, pretty much, and it’s all thanks to the Yanks says Russia Today


Following the death of pop superstar, George Michael last night, Russian media outlet, Russia Today, have sensationally claimed that Michael was killed by a guided missile fired from an American F16 fighter jet whose pilot was under direct orders from President Barack Obama to neutralise the Last Christmas star.

In a bulletin hours after the star’s death had been announced by his publicist, a Russia Today newsreader made the astonishing claim: “George Michael was targeted by the United States Airforce, no question. He was killed by a heat-seeking missile, specially programmed to target his oven when he opened the door to get the turkey out.

“Our heroic President, Vladimir Putin, tried to intervene when he learned of the plan, but Obama wouldn’t listen, just as he won’t listen when Mr Putin begs him to stop bombing other countries in case innocent civilians are killed.

“George Michael is just another statistic as far as the Americans are concerned. They are ruthless, indiscriminate killers, ostensibly fueled by capitalist greed and an imperialist lust for power.

“The only reason they’re not bombing hospitals and schools in Syria is because we got there first”

In a poignant footnote, Michael’s partner, Toby Dell, a balding 50-year-old hairdresser with a speech impediment, who narrowly escaped death because he was outside in the garden, hanging out the washing when the strike took place, told reporters “George had just finished a cup of tea and asked me to put it in the dishwasher. His last words to me were, “Hairless lisper. Take me cup before you go bro”

Satirist’s Note: In the name of all that’s holy look for the satirical message in the piece before you start whining about “poor taste” and making assertions that it’s “too soon”

You see, if you do that you won’t end up making a cunt of yourself in public.

Merry Christmas!


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A Merry Vegan Xmas with Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore

 stacy slaughterhouse

Season’s greetings everybody!

There’s nothing quite like sitting down to a delicious Christmas feast with dear friends and beloved family members is there? So I like to take extra care over this one to ensure that everything is absolutely perfect on the big day.

People think that because my family and myself are strict vegans we can’t enjoy a delicious home-cooked feast at this most blessed time of year, but they couldn’t be more wrong.

Every year, bright and early on Christmas morning, I visit my local turkey farm where I insist on beating the bird of my choice to death with an iron bar. The excitement of the chase and the bloody denouement as the creature finally succumbs to the repeated death-dealing series of blows really gets me in the festive mood.

Once I reach home, I get the leftovers from last year’s dinner out of the…

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Brexit backlash: Theresa May pushed over in the corridor at EU summit



Visibly shaken: Mrs May pictured shortly after her ordeal


It is being reported that British prime minister, Theresa May, was confronted by a small gang of European Union leaders in the corridor outside the debating chamber of the EU headquarters in Brussels on Thursday night.

Eye witnesses claim she had her hair pulled before being pushed to the ground by jeering EU heads of state.

The Irish Prime Minister, Enda Kenny, who was present when the incident took place, told journalists that trouble seemed to be on the cards earlier on when a number of the leaders of the other 27 countries attending refused to speak to May, who was at the preliminary Brexit discussions as an observer.

“There was definitely some bad feeling towards Mrs May” he said. “I saw the Portuguese prime minister deliberately barge into her as she entered the room, making her spill her drink. A few minutes later, the Greek Secretary of State for Europe lifted his leg and farted while he was standing next to her before running away laughing. Not long after that, I saw the deputy prime minister of Luxembourg pull her chair away as she was about to sit down in the dinner hall.

“The EU Parliament president, Martin Shultz, quickly stepped in at this point and told him not to do it again as she could have broken her back.

“After that, it was mainly petty stuff. A few leaders started flicking peas across the table at her, the Italian PM nicked a couple of her roast spuds, and I saw the Croatian president pull her hair and run away.

“When she was pushed over in the corridor, I ran over and helped her up. She was crying and said she was going home, so I said I’d walk her to the bus stop with a couple of mates in case anyone else tried to start something.”

This incident looks like further souring Britain’s relationship with the EU, with some political insiders fearing that it could lead to Britain having to stay at home revising for Article 50 during the summer next year while the rest of the EU goes off to party in Ibiza and Greece and other popular European sunspots.

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Benefit claimants to be beaten and paraded through streets declares DWP



A young hopeful pictured putting in a claim for Income Support Allowance last night


The Department of Work and Pensions have announced, that from January 2017, people claiming jobseeker’s allowance or universal credit will be woken daily at 6.00am by a jobcentre staff member beating on their door with a cudgel.

The same staff member will then order them to put on a pair of underpants before flogging them through the streets to the local benefits office using a barbed flail or ‘scourge’ for the purpose

The Secretary of State For Work and Pensions, Damien Green, told a press conference yesterday: “This government feels that more incentive is needed to get people back into the workplace.

“We have therefore decided to increase the frequency of the requirement to sign on the dole and to administer some extreme, corrective corporal punishment as an added deterrent to sponging off the state.

“Combined with the humiliation of being paraded through the streets in their underwear, we are hoping that measures such as this will make these individuals think twice about being a burden on the state in future”

When questioned, Green refused to confirm or deny a leaked government proposal to birch old age pensioners who apply for the winter fuel allowance before dragging them through the streets tethered to fast cars.

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UKIP leader blames ‘wannabe immigrants’ for England’s cricketing woes

Ukip Spring Conference - Day 1

“Ladies and white, heterosexual gentlemen…”

Following yesterday’s heavy 3rd test match trouncing of the England cricket team by India, the far-right United Kingdom Independence Party leader, Paul Nuttall, has hit out at the Indian players, calling them ‘wannabe immigrants’ and ‘ingrates’ who are disrespecting the nation that once taught them how to behave at the table.

A clearly furious Nuttall told reporters: “These so-called sportsmen are an absolute disgrace to our great nation.

“They are ingrates, hell-bent on inflicting shame on the very nation who once patiently taught them how to use a knife and fork and from which side to pass the port.

“In my view, they are immigrant wannabes, frustrated by the fact that we don’t want them here because we’re already full.

“They think that by handing out regular sound thrashings at cricket, they are, in some way, striking back at those of us in this blessed land that don’t want them or their ilk taking jobs that white people don’t fancy doing, or who don’t want their high streets dotted with handy all-night convenience stores or establishments selling delicious food where people can dine or order a takeaway.

“In my opinion, we should implement an Australian-style policy with regards to these people whereby we hit them on the head with short-pitched deliveries or put them on an offshore island to die in squalor.”

A spokesman for the Indian Cricket Board responded to Nuttall’s outburst last night: “You lost mate. Just accept it and move on”

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The dog ate my Nobel acceptance speech says Bob Dylan



Nobel Shmobel. Dylan pictured in nonchalant mood yesterday


Folk singing legend, Bob Dylan, last night played down his no-show at Saturday’s Nobel Prize awards ceremony when he explained that his American bulldog had eaten his acceptance speech the day before and that he hadn’t had time to write a replacement.

Dylan, who raised eyebrows when he was awarded the coveted prize for literature and then failed to acknowledge its bestowal for weeks, told reporters: “I was all set to go out the door and set off for Sweden to accept this award thing in person when I noticed that my dog had chewed up and partially eaten my speech

“I was pretty pissed as I’d spent over half an hour writing it just the day before, but I guess that’s dogs for you. I’ll probably have the pain in the ass sonofabitch put down for this.”

A spokesman for the Nobel Foundation said last night: “We are sorry that Mr Dylan has seen fit to absent himself from the ceremony. We shall, of course, be requesting that he sends photographic evidence of the dog-related incident he describes, as well as a note from his mother”

As the awards ceremony took place on Saturday evening, Dylan was seen playing pool in a local bar with two leggy blondes. According to an eye-witness, the dog was not with them.


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F1 bombshell: Illegal immigrant to replace Nico Rosberg at Mercedes



Hot shoe: The new Mercedes driver gets some last minute instructions from his mechanic before a test drive at Jerez


World Formula 1 constructors champions, Mercedes, have announced that an illegal Somali immigrant they discovered clinging to the bottom of one of the team buses will replace retired F1 world champion, Nico Rosberg next season.

Mercedes team boss, Toto Wolff, made the surprise announcement at a press conference yesterday afternoon: “I’m delighted to announce that an illegal Somali immigrant will be replacing Nico for the 2017 season.

“We found him clinging to the chassis of Lewis Hamilton’s motor home when we arrived back in Britain after the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix last weekend and decided to give the kid a shot at the title next season.

“Let’s face it, he’ll be a lot cheaper than Fernando Alonso or Max Verstappen. We’ll get him signed on for benefits at the Jobcentre and sort him out with a shared flat near the factory for the time being. If he wants to bring his wife and kids over we’ll have a word with the Home Office.

“He’s pretty raw at the moment and has no actual motor racing experience to speak of, but we’re convinced we can train him up during the close season and that he’ll be competitive when the cars line up on the grid for the Australian Grand Prix next year”

Opinion was divided in the world of F1 last night with the sport’s supremo, Bernie Eccleston offering a guarded response to the news: “I don’t comment on driver selection as a rule, but I have to say this is an odd choice by the team.

“Personally, I’d have gone for a more experienced driver. A proper ‘balls on the dashboard’ type with a chequered history of dating glamorous women. Someone who can attract the sponsors and bring the crowds in”

F1 star, Sebastian Vettel, was even more scathing: “It’s a ridiculous choice in my view. It’s hard enough to get a drive in an F1 team these days without having illegals waltzing in and taking our jobs. I blame the bloody Schengen Agreement for all this you know. No wonder the Brits are binning the EU”

The, as yet unnamed illegal alien is currently being housed in a lockup garage in Northampton with 12 Nigerian Mercedes team mechanics and a Yemeni test driver.

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Whelk Exclusive: Dying baby dolphin to swim with Sepp Blatter.

seppThe Whitechapel Whelk has learned that a young dolphin with only weeks to live is going to be transported almost 5000 miles to swim with disgraced ex-FIFA president Sepp Blatter (pictured above) in a bid to ensure that the creature’s last days are as memorable as possible.

The 8-month-old dolphin, who is currently being cared for in a big tank at California Sea World, will be taken to France by sea and then overland to Blatter’s home in Switzerland, where the creature will spend half an hour holding on to Blatter’s swimming trunks as he swims round a specially-constructed tank in the corrupt soccer supremo’s back garden.

A spokesman for Sea World said last night: “When we found out that this youngster’s days were numbered we decided to do something to bring some joy into what remains of its life, and what better way to do that than to grant…

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