Last Christmas? Yep, pretty much, and it’s all thanks to the Yanks says Russia Today
Following the death of pop superstar, George Michael last night, Russian media outlet, Russia Today, have sensationally claimed that Michael was killed by a guided missile fired from an American F16 fighter jet whose pilot was under direct orders from President Barack Obama to neutralise the Last Christmas star.
In a bulletin hours after the star’s death had been announced by his publicist, a Russia Today newsreader made the astonishing claim: “George Michael was targeted by the United States Airforce, no question. He was killed by a heat-seeking missile, specially programmed to target his oven when he opened the door to get the turkey out.
“Our heroic President, Vladimir Putin, tried to intervene when he learned of the plan, but Obama wouldn’t listen, just as he won’t listen when Mr Putin begs him to stop bombing other countries in case innocent civilians are killed.
“George Michael is just another statistic as far as the Americans are concerned. They are ruthless, indiscriminate killers, ostensibly fueled by capitalist greed and an imperialist lust for power.
“The only reason they’re not bombing hospitals and schools in Syria is because we got there first”
In a poignant footnote, Michael’s partner, Toby Dell, a balding 50-year-old hairdresser with a speech impediment, who narrowly escaped death because he was outside in the garden, hanging out the washing when the strike took place, told reporters “George had just finished a cup of tea and asked me to put it in the dishwasher. His last words to me were, “Hairless lisper. Take me cup before you go bro”
Satirist’s Note: In the name of all that’s holy look for the satirical message in the piece before you start whining about “poor taste” and making assertions that it’s “too soon”
You see, if you do that you won’t end up making a cunt of yourself in public.
Filed under Humour, Satire