Monthly Archives: November 2016

Nigel Farage secures job as White House shoe shine boy

farage-twatInterim UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, was jubilant last night as he told reporters that his meeting on Saturday with President-elect, Donald Trump, has led to his being offered a temporary position as White House shoe shine boy.

A beaming Farage said: “This is a momentous day for myself and my family.

“President Trump – I don’t bother with the elect bit – has offered me a position as the official shoe shine boy at The White House on a probationary basis for three months, with the job becoming permanent if I show a willing attitude and display sufficient gratitude.

“I’m hoping, that if I show plenty of initiative and go about my daily shoe shining with a cheery demeanour, I may one day move up to being a washroom attendant or even Mr Trump’s personal valet.

“He was so kind during our two-minute meeting. It was like being in…

View original post 183 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Tooth Fairy in foul-mouthed tirade against “f*****g Beano” Russia Today


RT’s editorial leader in last Thursday’s edition

In a shock outburst yesterday, The Tooth Fairy lashed out at the Putin-sponsored online newspaper, Russia Today, or “RT” as it now prefers to be known.

Speaking to Soz Satire, the normally mild-mannered winged pixie tore into the widely discredited Kremlin mouthpiece. “How the fuck can sane and rational people swallow the utter bilge that is pumped out on a daily basis by RT? Just tell me that.

“Even their own journalists are constantly resigning after being instructed to write state-fed, unsubstantiated rumours and downright lies for God’s sake.

“I regularly see their laughable propaganda splurged all over Facebook by people with an IQ below their shoe size and it has to stop.

“These utter fucktards would be better served and more widely-informed if they took out a subscription to the fucking Beano”

We tried to speak to one of the editorial team at RT last night but were told that most of them were working on a breaking news story that President Obama is a gay KGB double agent and that his wife, Michelle, once starred in a dwarf/amputee porno film.

The remainder of the editorial staff have apparently been imprisoned in Lublanka for refusing to run a story on Putin’s legendary – and strictly heterosexual – gymnastic prowess in the bedroom.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, political satire, Satire


The United States nuclear codes have been mislaid.

“Now where did I put them?” says Pentagon official.

And now, here’s some music: “Oh what a beautiful morning! Oh what a beautiful d…”


View original post

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

BREAKING: The United States electoral map earlier this morning.


More as we get it.

View original post

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

PC Ted Stupor: The drink-ravaged Whitechapel bobby you can trust


Evenin’ all.

Police work in London’s inner city can be a risky and even a life-threatening business at times, where vigilance and alertness are key.

In these cash-strapped times for the Metropolitan Police, it is not always possible to deploy two constables on one beat, and this is why I trained as a skilled dog handler, so that I could take my loyal and brave four-legged friend, “Smirnoff” with me when patrolling some of the more lawless parts of East London. Over time, I’ve grown to love him dearly and he is now an established and cosseted firm favourite with the whole family.

Only last week, we were patrolling some of the mean and dimly-lit streets around Commercial Road, when I spotted a notorious crack dealer pedalling his deadly wares on a street corner.

With the comforting presence of Smirnoff by my side, I approached the villain. He was clearly…

View original post 62 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

All three Brexit judges could be adult babies who enjoy nightly romps with ladyboy gibbon hookers suggests Daily Mail

gibbon-copy A pre-pubescent gibbon shrieks in alarm after spotting a passing High Court judge

There were further shocking revelations about the three High Court judges who made the ruling on the triggering of Article 50 on Wednesday last night after The Daily Mail revealed that there is no evidence to disprove that all three men aren’t debauched adult babies who slake their unnatural cravings by having wild sex romps with ladyboy gibbon prostitutes.

The Mail goes on to speculate that some of the unfortunate primates could even be underage and under the influence of mind-bending hallucinogens, and may have been forced at knifepoint to drink powerful, homemade hooch to make them more compliant to the debauched attentions of the sick and depraved judicial sex monsters.

This latest example of unfounded media conjecture will come as a bombshell to Brexit voters, already sickened by Wednesday’s revelation that one of the judges is…

View original post 123 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Whelk Exclusive: BBC secure rights to screen inter-pub shove ha’penny match

shove-hapenny Was it over the line?: Iconic shot of the classic 1966 encounter between The Star in West Croydon and The Lord Rodney’s Head in Whitechapel

BBC execs were said to be cock-a-hoop last night after securing the broadcasting rights to screen a shove ha’penny match between two rival pubs in the East End of London.

A spokesman for The Beeb told The Whelk last night, “We are delighted to announce that we will be screening full recorded highlights of the shove ha’penny match between The Blind Beggar in Whitechapel and The Boleyn Arms in West Ham. We hope this will make up for the disappointment felt by many of our viewers when we lost the rights to international test cricket and The Ryder Cup”

It is understood that the BBC paid an eye-popping £12.50 for the rights to screen the long-awaited duel and are rumoured to be in talks with…

View original post 16 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Pilchard Spittlejohn: The dangerously right-wing journalist they can’t gag (sadly)


Do you want to know something? There are things going on in this world that you just couldn’t make up, and that convince me that we’re all going to hell in a handcart.

Take the American presidential race for example. There are shenanigans going on there that you couldn’t even begin to make up. No wonder the yanks are all going to hell in a handcart.

Take Donald Trump for example. Here we have a perfectly honourable and decent bloke; the type you’d like to have a pint with down the pub, and he’s being vilified by the leftie gutter press right, left, and centre. And for what exactly? As far as I can see, all the bloke’s done is to pay a couple of fillies a compliment or two and had a friendly feel of their growlers. I mean to say, we’ve all done it, right fellas? It’s just…

View original post 279 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Kim Jong-un’s wife repaired my central heating: Whitechapel woman’s shock claim

kim-jong-un-and-wife-enjoying-a-cigarette The cracks begin to show between the couple at a political rally last year

There was a new development in the mystery surrounding the 7-month disappearance of the wife of North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, last night when a 45-year-old woman from Whitechapel told The Whitechapel Whelk that she turned up at her flat in Commercial Road last Tuesday and carried out repairs on her central heating system.

Ri Sol-yu, 29, was previously feared dead after reports that she had fallen out with the President’s fiery youngest sister, Kim Yo-jong, but this latest sighting would appear to disprove the theory.

The woman concerned, Mrs Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of nine, told us: “I’d been having problems with my central heating for weeks so I went online and spotted an ad for a local heating engineer. I sent an email, and the following day, Kim Jong-un’s wife turned up to…

View original post 194 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour