Monthly Archives: October 2016

Ray Winstone’s Cockney Crochet Corner

The Whitechapel Whelk

ray-winstoneIn this section, East London hardman actor and all-round blinding geezer, Ray Winstone, answers your queries on all things crochet-related .

Dear Ray

I’m thinking of making a keepsake box which I should like to decorate with some pretty crocheted flowers and would greatly appreciate any advice you could offer me on suitable designs, types of wool etc.

Thank you so much in anticipation for any advice you can give me on this one Ray.

Billy Beef

HM Prison Wansdworth

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Dear Bill

Behave yourself you saucy mug! Don’t you come on my manor pulling strokes and taking liberties son! I’ve shit harder geezers than you, Tinkerbell. How you’ve got the front to sit there in your cold and damp 6′ x 12′ drum in The Windsor Hotel and ask a geezer of my standing in the East End to help and advise a diabolical little toerag like you is…

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American political giants who reacted badly to news of ill health#972

The Whitechapel Whelk

THIS WEEK: Abe Lincoln

abe-2

NEXT WEEK: George Washingon gives his osteopath a swipe across the jaw after learning he has brittle bone disease

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Clinton angrily denies having emails from Whitechapel plumber in spam folder

The Whitechapel Whelk

hillary-clinton Water leakgate. Mrs Clinton hits back at rumours last night

Following last night’s sensational revelation that the FBI are to conduct further investigations into the controversy surrounding the private emails of presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton, the democratic candidate and ex-Secretary of State has angrily denied that she had kept over one hundred communications from Toby Dell’s Plumbing Emporium in Whitechapel, East London, in her spam folder for well over 6 months, despiting deleting countless others from penis developer manufacturers, Russian brides offers and Nigerian scam artists.

Speaking to reporters last night, a visibly angry Mrs Clinton said: “I had no idea these emails were in my spam folder. I have no knowledge of Mr Dell or of his business in Whitechapel and I can only assume that my husband may have been in touch with this gentleman over a leaky faucet we had in the bathroom.

“As to the penis…

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Participants and film crew from ‘SAS: Who Dares Wins’ wiped out by real SAS in ‘fog of war’ blunder.

The Whitechapel Whelk

sas-special-forces Oopsy! An SAS soldier pictured during the infamous storming of Coronation Street in 1978

In a tragic case of mistaken identity, soldiers from Britain’s crack Special Air Service regiment have killed the participants and film crew of the TV survival show, SAS Who Dares Wins, while the regiment were on a training exercise in The Brecon Beacons in Wales.

The elite troop of six men stumbled on the unfortunate group on Sunday night as they were making camp in a clearing. It is understood that the SAS men immediately opened fire, killing everyone apart from a makeup girl who was taken prisoner and ordered to get the kettle on for a brew.

A spokesman for the regiment told The Whitechapel Whelk: “Apparently, a few of the lads came across these characters during an exercise and hosed them down. They probably mistook them for infiltrating ragheads from ISIS, or possibly a…

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Letterz to the editor

 

stalin-dear-soz-meme

Dear SoZ Satire

Why don’t they put a stop to all this furore over building a third runway at Heathrow by simply building it on the soon-to-be vacant site of the ‘Jungle’ migrant camp in Calais. That way, nobody would have to lose their homes and all the refugees that are hiding from the French authorities in the woods nearby could come out and work as baggage handlers or air traffic control personnel.

Gus Uterus

Whitechapel.

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Dear SoZ Satire

During the second World War surely it would have been better not to have used a closet homosexual like Alan Turing as a code-breaker at Bletchley Park. Imagine how much quicker we could have deciphered important messages from the Germans if the bloke given the task wasn’t constantly looking at the other mathematician’s arses. I mean to say, it would be like asking me to do the crossword surrounded by naked Page 3 bints.

Albie Urinal-Mint

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Fears grow for troubled star as Kim Kardashian spotted’doing something’

The Whitechapel Whelk

kim

Family and friends have expressed deep concern for reality TV icon, Kim Kardashian, after the troubled star of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, was reportedly seen actually doing something on a number of  occasions last week.

According to close friends and family members, Kim, who recently suffered an ordeal at the hands of armed raiders at her home in Paris, has allegedly been spotted looking purposeful and has reportedly done something shortly afterwards.

One family friend, who asked not to be named, told us: “We’re all so worried about her. I have now personally seen her doing something on three different occasions. Her mom and dad are sick with worry about this and so are the rest of the family. If she keeps doing something on this sort of scale, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she were checked in for therapy, to be honest”

A spokesperson for…

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Whelk Exclusive: Olly Murs pulled out of Olympic parade after ‘big face’ jibe.

The Whitechapel Whelk

olly meme A furious Murs pictured earlier

The management team of pop icon, Olly Murs, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that the star pulled out of performing at the Manchester Olympic and Paralympic parade last Monday after overhearing a parade organiser making fun of his big face at a fundraising dinner the night before the event.

It was previously thought that Murs had pulled out in a row about a late set change, but a spokesman for Murs’ team confirmed that the Heart Skips A Beat singer withdrew after he heard a Manchester city councillor call him ‘a moon-faced git’ while chatting to some friends at the bar in City Hall.

“Olly was disgusted by the remarks this individual made about his big face and decided to pull out of the show,” the spokesman told us. “Olly is fully aware that his fans will have been disappointed by his decision, but he…

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