Monthly Archives: October 2016

Ray Winstone’s Cockney Crochet Corner

ray-winstoneIn this section, East London hardman actor and all-round blinding geezer, Ray Winstone, answers your queries on all things crochet-related .

Dear Ray

I’m thinking of making a keepsake box which I should like to decorate with some pretty crocheted flowers and would greatly appreciate any advice you could offer me on suitable designs, types of wool etc.

Thank you so much in anticipation for any advice you can give me on this one Ray.

Billy Beef

HM Prison Wansdworth

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Dear Bill

Behave yourself you saucy mug! Don’t you come on my manor pulling strokes and taking liberties son! I’ve shit harder geezers than you, Tinkerbell. How you’ve got the front to sit there in your cold and damp 6′ x 12′ drum in The Windsor Hotel and ask a geezer of my standing in the East End to help and advise a diabolical little toerag like you is…

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American political giants who reacted badly to news of ill health#972

THIS WEEK: Abe Lincoln

abe-2

NEXT WEEK: George Washingon gives his osteopath a swipe across the jaw after learning he has brittle bone disease

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Clinton angrily denies having emails from Whitechapel plumber in spam folder

hillary-clinton Water leakgate. Mrs Clinton hits back at rumours last night

Following last night’s sensational revelation that the FBI are to conduct further investigations into the controversy surrounding the private emails of presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton, the democratic candidate and ex-Secretary of State has angrily denied that she had kept over one hundred communications from Toby Dell’s Plumbing Emporium in Whitechapel, East London, in her spam folder for well over 6 months, despiting deleting countless others from penis developer manufacturers, Russian brides offers and Nigerian scam artists.

Speaking to reporters last night, a visibly angry Mrs Clinton said: “I had no idea these emails were in my spam folder. I have no knowledge of Mr Dell or of his business in Whitechapel and I can only assume that my husband may have been in touch with this gentleman over a leaky faucet we had in the bathroom.

“As to the penis…

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Participants and film crew from ‘SAS: Who Dares Wins’ wiped out by real SAS in ‘fog of war’ blunder.

sas-special-forces Oopsy! An SAS soldier pictured during the infamous storming of Coronation Street in 1978

In a tragic case of mistaken identity, soldiers from Britain’s crack Special Air Service regiment have killed the participants and film crew of the TV survival show, SAS Who Dares Wins, while the regiment were on a training exercise in The Brecon Beacons in Wales.

The elite troop of six men stumbled on the unfortunate group on Sunday night as they were making camp in a clearing. It is understood that the SAS men immediately opened fire, killing everyone apart from a makeup girl who was taken prisoner and ordered to get the kettle on for a brew.

A spokesman for the regiment told The Whitechapel Whelk: “Apparently, a few of the lads came across these characters during an exercise and hosed them down. They probably mistook them for infiltrating ragheads from ISIS, or possibly a…

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Letterz to the editor

 

stalin-dear-soz-meme

Dear SoZ Satire

Why don’t they put a stop to all this furore over building a third runway at Heathrow by simply building it on the soon-to-be vacant site of the ‘Jungle’ migrant camp in Calais. That way, nobody would have to lose their homes and all the refugees that are hiding from the French authorities in the woods nearby could come out and work as baggage handlers or air traffic control personnel.

Gus Uterus

Whitechapel.

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Dear SoZ Satire

During the second World War surely it would have been better not to have used a closet homosexual like Alan Turing as a code-breaker at Bletchley Park. Imagine how much quicker we could have deciphered important messages from the Germans if the bloke given the task wasn’t constantly looking at the other mathematician’s arses. I mean to say, it would be like asking me to do the crossword surrounded by naked Page 3 bints.

Albie Urinal-Mint

Also From Whitechapel

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Fears grow for troubled star as Kim Kardashian spotted’doing something’

kim

Family and friends have expressed deep concern for reality TV icon, Kim Kardashian, after the troubled star of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, was reportedly seen actually doing something on a number of  occasions last week.

According to close friends and family members, Kim, who recently suffered an ordeal at the hands of armed raiders at her home in Paris, has allegedly been spotted looking purposeful and has reportedly done something shortly afterwards.

One family friend, who asked not to be named, told us: “We’re all so worried about her. I have now personally seen her doing something on three different occasions. Her mom and dad are sick with worry about this and so are the rest of the family. If she keeps doing something on this sort of scale, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she were checked in for therapy, to be honest”

A spokesperson for…

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Whelk Exclusive: Olly Murs pulled out of Olympic parade after ‘big face’ jibe.

olly meme A furious Murs pictured earlier

The management team of pop icon, Olly Murs, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that the star pulled out of performing at the Manchester Olympic and Paralympic parade last Monday after overhearing a parade organiser making fun of his big face at a fundraising dinner the night before the event.

It was previously thought that Murs had pulled out in a row about a late set change, but a spokesman for Murs’ team confirmed that the Heart Skips A Beat singer withdrew after he heard a Manchester city councillor call him ‘a moon-faced git’ while chatting to some friends at the bar in City Hall.

“Olly was disgusted by the remarks this individual made about his big face and decided to pull out of the show,” the spokesman told us. “Olly is fully aware that his fans will have been disappointed by his decision, but he…

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Scotland in Shock At “Irn Bru is English” Revelation

 

 

iron-brew-1e

An advert for Irn Bru from the olden days

 

Millions of Scots were reeling last night after the manufacturers of the iconic soft drink, Irn Bru, revealed yesterday that the recipe came originally from England, and that the first ever can of the popular beverage carried a Cross of St George logo and bore the legend: Irn Bru, “Made From Bowler Hats & Brollies”

The great grandson of Irn Bru’s founder, A. G. Barr, Tam “Irn” Barr, has now stunned the entire Scottish nation, whose love for the bright orange beverage led to it being dubbed “Scotland’s 2nd favourite drink”, by revealing that it was, in fact, his English great grandmother who came up with the recipe, allegedly to boost her elderly husband’s flagging stamina in the bedroom.

According to Mr Barr, the first production line was set up in Whitechapel in East London in 1909, but the drink proved unpopular with the cockney locals on the grounds that it didn’t mix well with gin and caused the local delicacy, jellied eels, to ferment in the stomach.

Production was then moved to Glasgow later that year where the drink was enthusiastically welcomed by Scots throughout the country, who still enjoy both it’s versatility when mixed with Scotch Whisky and Buckfast Tonic Wine, and the concussive effect the bottles have when hitting each other over the head with the empties during domestic squabbles at weekends.

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Trump Claims Victory After Not Grabbing Clinton’s Pussy During TV Debate

 

trump-and-clinton

“Don’t even think about it mister!”

 

In the aftermath of the latest bitter presidential debate, beleaguered Republican nominee, Donald Trump, has claimed victory over his Democratic Party rival, Hillary Clinton, and has told the media that he has conclusively demonstrated his suitability for office by not grabbing her pussy during the live TV debate.

Trump told reporters last night: “I think I have proved beyond all doubt that Donald J Trump is the right man to lead this great nation by not grabbing Hillary’s pussy or making any other type of sexual advance during the debate.

“I didn’t even try to kiss her for Pete’s sake. Although, you can be pretty damn sure she wanted me to. When you’re a star, women almost demand that you come on to them sexually, and you can bet your life Hillary’s just like all the rest. Especially if she’s anything like her old man was when he was in office.”

Mrs Clinton hit back furiously last night: “The sheer arrogance of this man is breathtaking. The last thing on my mind during the debate was being kissed or having my pussy grabbed by Donald, whatever he may think to the contrary. Not even Bill is permitted to do that sort of thing while I’m campaigning and we are both more than happy with that arrangement”

A spokesperson for the TV studio that staged the debate told us: “Initially we were a little apprehensive. We were afraid that Mr Trump might grab Mrs Clinton’s pussy at some point, especially if she started winning the debate.

“In order to try and prevent this, we positioned the two rostrums a good distance apart, so if Mr Trump moved towards Mrs Clinton, and if one of our security staff considered that he was going to grab her pussy, he would have sufficient time to wrestle him to the ground and hold him until the cops arrived.”

The current race for The White House is thought to be the most acrimonious since the Nixon/Kennedy struggle in 1960 when Nixon accused JFK of dropping his pen under the table during a TV debate so that he could look up Nixon’s trouser leg.

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1960s Sporting LegendsWho Suffered With Constipation Issues

THIS WEEK: Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris. Chelsea FC.

chopper3

NEXT WEEK: England goalkeeping legend, Peter Shilton drinks a bottle of prune juice and goes to a scary movie in an effort to shift a particularly stubborn rocket.

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