Monthly Archives: August 2016

Corbyn’s Wife Hospitalised Following Shame-Related Collapse

Britain

 

The wife of beleaguered Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, was admitted to a private clinic in North London last night after collapsing at their home, in what a close friend has described as a state of acute shame, brought about by Corbyn’s recent laughable flirtations with the truth

The female friend, and a close neighbour of the Corbyns in upmarket Islington, told us that Corbyn’s third wife, Laura Alvarez, who is 20 years younger than the 67-year-old opposition leader, rang her earlier in the evening sounding extremely distressed.

“She was sobbing down the phone,” she said. “She told me she was sick of his constant lying and was thinking of going back to Mexico. I went round to see her and found her lying on the floor. Jeremy wasn’t in the room but I eventually found him in the kitchen, stirring a large saucepan of gruel.

“I told him Laura was sick, but he dismissed it as nothing serious and said she was just tired after having to sit on the floor during a long journey one of Sir Richard Branson’s trains. He looked wild-eyed and kept threatening to kill Bernie Sanders. I then locked myself in the room with Laura and called a private ambulance.”

Corbyn, who has come under fire this week after being caught out telling a series of blatant  lies, spoke briefly to reporters outside his £800k property late last night: “My wife has been taken to a grimy, inner-city, National Health hospital in a particularly run-down area of London where the hardworking NHS staff will give her the best of care despite being on what is tantamount to slave wages”

When questioned as to whether his wife was, in fact, in a private establishment, Corbyn became testy and snapped, “What, on my £138k annual salary plus expenses? Don’t be ridiculous”

A spokesperson for the hospital told us last night that Mrs Corbyn wasn’t exactly filthy rich but that she was extremely comfortable thank you very much.

 

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Satire

British National May Have Got A Bit Dusty Following Italian Death Quake Say Home Office

 

italy-earthquake-topper

Grim-faced rescue workers survey some of the debris that may have caused a Briton to become dusty.

 

The Home Office announced last night, that a British national, holidaying in Italy last week, may have become a bit dusty following the huge earthquake that struck the region around the town of Amatrice, killing 284 and with many more reported missing.

In a brief statement, they said: “It is with regret that we must announce that a British national became quite dusty following the earthquake that killed some foreigners on Wednesday. It is believed that dusty debris from some of the fallen buildings was blown onto the British subject’s hair and clothing shortly after the initial quake.

“At this point, it is too early to say whether he had to change his clothes or just brush them down. However, we can reveal that he had to wash his hair back at his hotel.”

The identity of the person is being withheld until his relatives have been informed.

1 Comment

Filed under Satire

Comrades!: An everyday story of heroic Soviet folk

More decadent humour from my heroic colleagues at The Whelk I see. Tsk

The Whitechapel Whelk

comrades dancing large 

mOnDaY:

The temperature dipped a bit today. When we thawed out the thermometer, it read -35.C. Heroic Comrade Cat is missing. We await his glorious return.

“Winter draws on” said Comrade Wife. – I thought that she’d put them on at the start of November! Still, we have a roaring bar on the electric fire and plenty of electricity to power it thanks to our glorious state energy produc…

WE THRUST THE BANNER OF FREEDOM INTO THE TESTICLES OF OUR CRAVEN ENEMIES WHO FLEE BEFORE US LIKE CARRION CROWS!!!

TuESdAY

Comrade Wife has injured herself by slipping on a frozen cow-pat at the collective farm and will be off work for 2 weeks. The doctor has told her to take things easy. I have thoughtfully advised her to take her wheeled shopping trolley with her when she sets off on the ten-kilometre journey through the snow to get my…

View original post 338 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Pilchard Spittlejohn: The Extreme Right-Wing Columnist They Can’t Gag (sadly)

richard

Do you want to know something? There are times when I wake up and think that this country’s going to hell in a handcart. Some of the things I’ve seen going on are so bloody skewed and downright tonto that I honestly don’t think you could make them up.

Take the recent Olympic Games as a case in point. Not only were they held outside this country, but they were also full of foreigners; some of whom were black if you please. Even some of the British team had a touch of the tar brush about them. You couldn’t make it up could you?

Take that Mo Farah for example. Now he’s a pretty fast runner I’ll give you that, but unless my eyes completely deceive me, he’s as black as my granny’s hat for God’s sake.

Even the commentators are black. You’ve only got to look at Michael Johnson and Gabby Logan to see that. As for Clare Balding, she may be white like you and me, but unless my instinct has gone to hell in a handcart, that woman’s a fully-paid-up, clam-noshing lezza or I’m a Chinaman. I don’t pay my licence fee to have sooties and rug-munchers beamed into my sitting room and nor should you.

I was down the pub with my old journo pal, Kelvin McKenzie, last week and he said exactly the same thing. “You couldn’t make it up Pilchard,” he told me over a few pints of English bitter and a plate of bubble and squeak. “I sometimes think the whole countries going to hell in a bloody handcart”

That’s what I like about Kelvin. He can hold his drink and he can tell it like it is. He had to stay at mine that night because we couldn’t get a cabbie to take him home due to his condition. I didn’t want to run the risk of being bummed so I stuck him in bed with the wife. She never complained bless her. We may be going to hell in a handcart but we can still thank our lucky stars for the dutiful little white women of this great country is what I say.

Mind you, she did ask me to change the sheets on our bed the next day but I told her I couldn’t make it up.

Pilchard Spittlejohn is a columnist in The Swivel-Eyed Tribune incorporating Popular Jew-Baiting Monthly

Leave a comment

Filed under Satire

Dramatic Rise in Heart Conditions as People Put Showers on Low Power Setting

Who write this drivel ffs?…ah

The Whitechapel Whelk

Ice Man. A Whitechapel man pictured waiting for treatment in A&E after setting his shower to low power yesterday.

The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel last night reported a marked increase in admissions due to heart-related conditions as the recent heatwave has led to people setting their electric showers to the Lo-Power mode. It is believed that the shock of the resulting icy cold cascade has been the root cause of the problem

Dr Toby Dell, a cardiovascular consultant, told us: “Under no circumstances should the energy saving setting on your shower be deployed. This mode is exclusively for defrosting packs of burgers and strings of sausages that are all stuck together. Having said that, I do occasionally use it during extremely hot spells so that I can play with my hard little nip nips”

Associated Press

View original post

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

‘Empty’ Train Carriage Was Ram-Packed With Midgets and Germans With Diarrhoea Claim Corbyn’s Press Office

 

corbyn straight talking

 
The press office for beleaguered Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, have issued a statement, claiming that the empty train carriage that Corbyn is shown passing through on CCTV before claiming that the entire train was ‘ram-packed’ was, in fact, full of midgets whose heads couldn’t be seen above the headrests, and a party of over 40 Germans who had left their luggage on their seats while they were all in the toilet suffering from gastroenteritis.

The statement said: “Jeremy, his wife and his publicists did, in fact, pass through that particular carriage, but it was full of midgets and German luggage, left there while the owners were having a clearout. I suppose it’s a bit like when they put towels on sunloungers to reserve them. So, basically, that’s why Jeremy had to sit on the floor to do his piece to camera. Yes, that’ll be it.”

Virgin Trains, however, strongly denied the claim. “The midgets were all in a first class carriage at the front of the train, and the Germans were in the caboose at the rear where their constant farting wouldn’t upset their fellow travellers”

Corbyn himself was unavailable for comment due to his earlier arrest for attacking his lesbian spin doctor with a screwdriver.

Leave a comment

Filed under political satire, Uncategorized

Israel Launch Airstrike on Kenny Dalglish’s Allotment

 

kenny dalglish

Kenny pictured tending his allotment in happier times

 

 

Glasgow Celtic and Scotland soccer legend, Kenny Dalglish, was furious last night after the Israeli air force bombed and strafed his allotment, flattening his shed and destroying his crop of beetroot and courgettes.

The attack is believed to be in retaliation for the pro-Palestinian demonstration held by Celtic fans at the weekend before a match against an Israeli side.

Dalglish told Dafty News: “When I heard that the Israelis had bombed my allotment I was furious. It was only by pure luck that they didn’t hit my cucumbers and jersey royal spuds. I’m not happy about this I can tell you and I’ve already emailed Benjamin Netanyahu asking for compensation.”

A spokesman for the Israeli Defence Force said last night: “Yes we bombed Dalglish’s allotment and we’d do it again given half the chance, the Scottish asshole”

This latest act mirrors the occasion in 1987, when Celtic and West Ham legend, Frank McAvennie, was injured in a Russian car bomb attack after he allegedly shagged Boris Yeltsin’s bird.

Leave a comment

Filed under Satire, Uncategorized

%d bloggers like this: