Monthly Archives: July 2016

Clinton Rally Girl Found Hanged After Hairy Armpits Shame

 

shaving kit

Could these simple items have prevented tragedy?

 

A 21-year-old girl from New York has taken her own life by hanging herself from the bannisters at her home, after news footage shot at Thursday’s Hillary Clinton Rally, picked her out in the crowd raising a “Go Hillary” placard with unshaven armpits.

Tracy Dell, a secretary, was then subjected to online jibes from family and friends on social media sites, and it was this that her mother claims pushed her over the edge.

Speaking to reporters last night, a tearful Mary Dell, 87, said: “Some of the abuse she received from people she loved and trusted was absolutely shocking. Her best friend called her “Wolfgirl” and her brother asked her if she had Tarzan living right there in her pits.

“To my own shame, I blamed her for the falling share prices in Gilette and Wilkinson Sword. If I had realised what the tragic consequences would be I’d have toned it down a bit in all probability. She’s always been a bit touchy to be fair”

In a bizarre and tragic coincidence, Tracy’s death comes just a few days after a woman at a Donald Trump rally shot a Mexican husband and wife in the parking lot for allegedly displaying, what she later referred to as, “a typical, goddamn wetback attitude” when they were putting their coats on after getting out of their car.

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Horror in Whitechapel: 9 Dead in Corbyn Allotment Coup

Little bit of politics from myself and the mighty Artful Dodger here folks 🙂

The Whitechapel Whelk

corbyn as stalin memememe by The Artful Dodger

The Whitechapel Allotment Society last night reported that nine committee members have been executed by firing squad in a Stalin-style purge following a successful coup d’etat by a group of extreme left-wing rebels led by Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, on Monday night.

Corbyn’s guerrillas have now gained total control of over 110 plots and have set up a temporary political and military headquarters in a poly tunnel on Plot 69R.

All transistor radios in sheds have had their batteries removed to silence any anti-Corbyn propaganda from government-backed sources or breakaway Labour MPs, and all forks, hoes, and other sharp gardening implements, have been removed from sheds and impounded.

Widespread looting has already begun with Corbyn’s forces pulling up marrows, beetroots, and even rhubarb and new potatoes that weren’t quite ready.

Addressing his forces through a megaphone while standing on the roof of the…

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Eating Pie and Mash Will Make Your Girlfriend’s Breasts Larger Claim Experts

Donner und titzen!!

The Whitechapel Whelk

Pie and Mash Pic a3 Finished(1)A recent case study has established beyond doubt that men who eat pie and mash with liquor (parsley sauce) have seen their girlfriend’s bust size increase by over 75% in more than 100% of cases.

It is believed, that the combination of minced beef, onion, and pastry, in the pie, along with the mashed potatoes and parsley sauce, sets off a tissue-enhancing chemical reaction inside the breasts of women who are in a relationship with a man who eats the traditional East London dish regularly.

However, the findings also point to the fact that only pie and mash eaten in a traditional London pie and mash shop will have this effect. Men who eat pie and mash at home  report that they have seen no significant growth in their girlfriend’s tits at all.

These findings were brought to you by:
Danny’s Pie and Mash Shop “Increasing Bra Sizes and Lying…

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Russian Paralympics Team Face Ban as One-Legged Man Smashes 100 Metres World Record

 

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Talented unidexter or drugs cheat? Kleptchcow pictured yesterday undergoing a gruelling training session with his coach

 

The Russian paralympic team came under suspicion yesterday after a man with only one leg obliterated Usain Bolt’s 100 metres world record by an astonishing 6 seconds.

Vladimir Kleptchow, 81, who was born with one leg and no foot attached to the other one, clocked a blistering 3.89 seconds at Crystal Palace Sports Centre last night, attracting suspicion from the sport’s governing body, the International Athletics Federation.

Mr Kleptchow, who is also registered blind and deaf, underwent a drugs test in 1998 – which was conducted by scientists in Moscow – after thrashing Scottish darts legend, Jocky Wilson, by 5 sets to nil in The World Darts Championship at Glasgow Conference Centre.

He was eventually cleared of any wrongdoing after the Russian boffins claimed he was unable to give a urine sample due to a bladder removal operation the day before.

This latest controversy comes just a week after a cloud of suspicion was cast over the Russians, when a woman with no arms shattered the world pole vault record by 25 feet in Helsinki using a walking stick jammed up her bottom

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Cops Haul Melania Trump From James Corden’s Car

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Free-thinker Melania Trump pictured after delivering The Gettysburg Address last night

 

Police were called to the New York home of British funny man, James Corden, this morning after he found Melania Trump, the wife of presidential hopeful, Donald, in the passenger seat of his car.

Corden claims that Mrs Trump had broken into his Honda CRV during the night and was sitting in the passenger seat holding a microphone. He told reporters that she looked “wild-eyed” and was demanding that Corden drive around the block with the radio tuned into a Motown station.

“She was very insistent” Corden said “She called me a “limey sonofabitch”and accused me of sucking up to Michelle Obama; who had featured in my Carpool Karaoke slot on my Saturday night tv show a few days ago. She said if I didn’t feature her dueting with me on the show she would tell her husband and he’d make sure I was deported as soon as he became president.

“When I refused, she started sobbing uncontrollably. She began begging me to let her appear on the show. She told me that Donald had put her up to it and that he’d be sure to “whup her ass” if she went home empty-handed.

“I did feel a bit sorry for her, so I told her I’d try to get her a small guest slot on the next Gavin and Stacey Christmas Special. She seemed to calm down a bit after that but I called the cops and had her hauled away anyway. It was probably for the best”

When we asked Mrs Trump for her version of events she told us: “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind”

 

 

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“Wooden” William Shatner Denies Injuring Downing Street Cat

 

william shatner

Captain’s a log: Did Shatner deliberately harm Downing Street moggie?

 

Legendary Star Trek actor, William Shatner, last night strongly refuted allegations that he was responsible for Larry, the resident cat at number 10 Downing Street, sustaining an injury to its paw yesterday.

Shatner, famed for his wooden acting and stilted dialogue delivery, stands accused of injuring the creature while it was sharpening its claws on his leg during yesterday’s visit to Number 10, where he was discussing the new Star Trek Beyond movie with Prime Minister, Theresa May, a big fan of sci-fi movies in general and Star Trek in particular.

May spoke to reporters outside Number 10 last night: “Larry obviously thought William Shatner’s leg was as wooden as his acting and started sharpening his claws on it while we were chatting. I can only assume he picked up a splinter in his paw during the process. I love films about outer space, but that’s the last time I invite the fucker round here I can tell you that for nothing”

Shatner, 157, was back in Hollywood last night where he is playing a shed in a Martin Scorcese blockbuster about allotments. However, he spoke briefly to our reporter: “I completely deny deliberately injuring the Downing Street cat. I love animals, as you will be able to see if you watch episode 5112 of T. J. Hooker, where I play a wooden lean-to in a back yard that provides shelter to a litter of feral Alsatians”

Mr. Shatner has requested that his fee for this interview be donated to The Leonard Nimoy Grave Desecration League.

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Tricky Lyrics Deciphering For Beginners

The Whitechapel Whelk

THIS WEEK: The Rolling Stones: Tumbling Dice.

Mmmmmm mmm yeah! Ooooooooooooh!
Beebe think your pessun but all the time you wessun
Beat me burn a braveller brown
Baby!… Baby!… Dortin too them a frown
All the wimin and slowdowm gablers
Eatin’ like ah donno how
Baaaby ah know! Baaaaby ah know! Beaver in the clork outhow
Slow down bitchin’ or life wont be a itchin’
Nor you know the dukes are still wine
Baaaaby… ah can’t scrape! Ah got to row…o…o then…
Cum in the tumbling dye ice!

NEXT WEEK: Dean Martin: That’s Amore.

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