An ex-head of Britain’s security agency, MI5, last night whipped up a storm of controversy by claiming that candlelit vigils – like the one staged in central London last night, where thousands gathered to show their solidarity with the people of Orlando – are not particularly effective in preventing further acts of barbarism.
Sir Garfield Hoadley, 98, told SoZ Satire: “In all my long years of service in the security forces I’ve never yet known one of these candlelit jobs to have a preventative effect. In fact, they just seem to lead to even more bombings and suchlike. My advice is for people to stay at home and relax. Watch tv, or read a book, something along those lines.
“As my old commander at MI5 used to say whenever we had one of these little problems: “Come on old boy. Let’s go for a sharpener or two at the club before the PM starts bending our ears”
We did find one firm supporter for the practice, however. At Lenny’s Kosher Candle Emporium in Whitechapel, East London, proprietor, Lenny Dee, told us: “Candlelit vigils? I love ’em son. When it all kicked off in Orlando the other night, I turned to my old woman and told her. “Get the holiday brochures out love. Looks like Christmas in The Maldives for you and me kiddo”
This skit was brought to you courtesy of: The Professional Mourner’s Blare