Monthly Archives: June 2016

Migrant Steals England Manager’s Job



A number of migrants pictured arriving at Calais last night ready to set themselves up as The Liberal Democratic Party 


A Romanian migrant, who has only been in the country 6 months, has reportedly taken the job of disgraced England manager, Roy Hodgson.

A spokesman for the English Football Association seemed to confirm the news last night: “Roy handed in his notice a few hours after we were shamed up by Iceland, and then, only a few hours later, we discovered this Romanian bloke sitting in Roy’s old office with his feet up on the desk, helping himself to the contents of the drinks cabinet. It was a bit of a shocker admittedly but we’re keeping him on in a caretaker role until we can find a full-time replacement”

The Migrants Society of Great Britain issued a statement last night: “This is another illustration of the need for migrants to come to this country to take the jobs that the English don’t want.”

There are now unconfirmed reports that a Polish bricklayer and a Somali short order chef have installed themselves as prime minister and leader of the opposition respectively. Both political parties are said to be relieved and delighted at the development.

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“Furious” Hodgson Messes Up Joe Hart’s Hair on Team Bus Following Iceland Debacle

joe hart Hart pictured looking visibly shaken outside his home last night

An England football team insider has told The Whitechapel Whelk that team boss, Roy Hodgson, was so incensed after his sides 2-1 defeat by lowly Iceland on Monday night he deliberately messed up blundering goalkeeper, Joe Hart’s, immaculately coiffured hair during the bus journey back to the team’s hotel.

The insider, who asked not to be named, said: “Roy was sitting up front with the driver, while big Joe was on the bench seat at the back, sitting on his own. The atmosphere was pretty strained and no one was talking much to be honest.

“Suddenly, Roy stood up and strode down the aisle towards Joe. He looked absolutely furious, his ears were bright red, and he was muttering: “I ‘m going to do that f*****g poof” under his breath.

“To everybody’s amazement, he starting scruffing up Joe’s hair with…

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Jane Austin-Morris: No-Nonsense Relationship Counsellor

jane austin-morris meme

Dear Miss Austin-Morris

Pray allow me to introduce myself and to beg your counsel in a matter of the heart which I have found greatly troubling of late.

I am a gentleman of four and thirty years, high-born and with a considerable fortune. I live in an extremely agreeable, some would say sumptuous, manner in a large, well-appointed house in Hertfordshire.

However, despite all these trappings of wealth, I find myself miserable in the extreme. For you see madam, my heart no longer belongs to me. I have given it most wholeheartedly to a young woman who despises me and who shuns my presence at every turn.

She is one of five sisters, all daughters to a local businessman, a thoroughly respectable family of moderate means for whom I have the utmost affection and respect.

Elizabeth, for that is indeed the name of my dear one, is the eldest sister…

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Jeremy Corbyn Sacks Entire House of Commons

He’s a little rascal isn’t he ladies and gentlemen? 🙂

corbyn voltaire quoteIn what some political pundits are calling a surprise move, Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has announced that he has sacked the government as well as the opposition and all the remaining MPs in The House of Commons. He has, however, spared The Speaker and The Sergeant At Arms so that he “will have someone to talk to”

Corbyn, who began yesterday by sacking, Shadow Foreign Secretary, Hilary Benn, for alleged disloyalty to his leadership, told The Whelk. “I’m sorry if this upsets a few people, but I can no longer tolerate these blatant attempts to challenge my authority. Therefore, to avoid any further insurrection by closet capitalist sympathisers and lackeys to the boss classes, I have taken the decision to sack everybody.

“From now on, I wish to be known as Colonel Excellentisimo and to be given a big, bullet-proof car so that I can be driven through the…

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Social Services to ‘Pre-Batter’ Children Before Returning Them To Abusive Homes.



The government last night announced that at-risk youngsters will be given a really good pasting by social workers ‘to get them used to it’ before they are returned to their abusive parents and the real action gets underway.

The ruling comes after yesterday’s tragic case of 6-year-old, Ellie Butler, who was beaten to death by her violent father just 11 months after being returned to his care by a high court judge, who had expressed her “joy” at the time for having restored the child to her future killer.

A Home Office spokesperson said last night: “In view of this tragic case we have decided to give all our at-risk youngsters a really good pounding on a daily basis. This will hopefully toughen them up for the sustained abuse they will get after the courts have handed them back to their psychotic parents. This way, it won’t be as much of a shock to them”

When asked if any children were consulted or given a choice prior to the decision; he replied “Of course not. After all, we know what’s best for them”


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syrian child napalmed

A young napalm victim pictured trying to come to terms with the passing of the Star Trek actor last night



Hundreds of victims of the war in Syria, including many critically injured youngsters, yesterday held a poignant two minutes silence, followed by a sombre candlelit vigil, to mark the passing of Star Trek movie actor, Anton Yelchin, who tragically ran himself over with his own car at the weekend.

One man, who lost his wife and three children and was himself badly hurt following a Russian airstrike, told us: “When I read about Mr. Yelchin running himself over it made me realise how very lucky I am. Losing my family is pretty distressing for sure, but it’s nothing compared to what this man must have endured when he ran himself over with his own car”

A 4-year-old girl in the next bed was unable to speak to us due to horrific facial injuries, but she held up a picture of Yelchin, dressed in a Star Trek outfit, sobbing bitterly as her badly burned mother in the next bed tried in vain to comfort her.

This tribute mirrors the 2 day mourning period that was observed by victims of Sadaam Hussein’s chemical weapon attack on the Kurds at Halabja in 1988 after they learned that the late Leonard Nimoy was suffering from athlete’s foot.

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The Casebook of PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust


Evenin’ all.

Policing the mean streets of our great capital city can be a pretty grim business at times; especially when we’re called upon to deal with incidents involving domestic violence.

Last week, my partner and I received an urgent shout to attend a property in Whitechapel Road from where a woman’s screams and a male’s raised voice had earlier been heard and reported by neighbours.

Sure enough, when we arrived it was clear that a domestic incident had taken place. The young woman who answered the door had a black eye, and the bloke standing in the hall behind her had a number of scratches down both cheeks.

The woman explained that the man was her husband and that he’d turned a bit nasty when his dinner wasn’t on the table when he arrived home from the pub..

We quickly arrested the male and took him to the station…

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Bat Can & Rob Tin: The Ineffectual Crime-Fighting Tins of Beans

This one will get your pulses racing etc

bat can & rob tin memeIt was 2.30pm on a stultifyingly hot June day and Bat Can and his youthful ward, Rob Tin, were being transported by truck from a Whitechapel wholesaler to Mr Pateks Asian goods store in neighbouring Bromley By Bow.

Without warning, the truck screeched to a halt and the rear shutter was hauled up. Four masked men burst in and began filling holdalls with various grocery items and cans of fizzy drink. It quickly became clear to The Delicatessen Duo that they had no intention of paying for the items.

Bat Can knew that it was time for the two crimebusters to ditch their mild-mannered, aluminium alter-egos and to spring into immediate action in order to thwart the lawless fiends. Unfortunately, due to the fact that they were inanimate tins of beans, they were forced to look on in vain as the raiders made off with their valuable booty.

Next Week:…

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A bunch of timewasters pictured last night

An ex-head of Britain’s security agency, MI5, last night whipped up a storm of controversy by claiming that candlelit vigils – like the one staged in central London last night, where thousands gathered to show their solidarity with the people of Orlando – are not particularly effective in preventing further acts of barbarism.
Sir Garfield Hoadley, 98, told SoZ Satire: “In all my long years of service in the security forces I’ve never yet known one of these candlelit jobs to have a preventative effect. In fact, they just seem to lead to even more bombings and suchlike. My advice is for people to stay at home and relax. Watch tv, or read a book, something along those lines. 
“As my old commander at MI5 used to say whenever we had one of these little problems: “Come on old boy. Let’s go for a sharpener or two at the club before the PM starts bending our ears”
We did find one firm supporter for the practice, however. At Lenny’s Kosher Candle Emporium in Whitechapel, East London, proprietor, Lenny Dee, told us: “Candlelit vigils? I love ’em son. When it all kicked off in Orlando the other night, I turned to my old woman and told her. “Get the holiday brochures out love. Looks like Christmas in The Maldives for you and me kiddo”
This skit was brought to you courtesy of: The Professional Mourner’s Blare


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