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Monthly Archives: May 2016
A gang of audacious thieves last night broke into the London Buttocks Museum in Whitechapel and escaped with a number of arses, some of which were valued at over £10,000. It is believed that the gang gained entry through the back door before smashing cases containing the arses and escaping with their valuable booty.
Amongst the priceless arses taken were those of Archbishop Makarios of Cyprus, President John F Kennedy, Whitney Huston and Sir Stanley Matthews, the legendary Blackpool and England soccer star.
The museum’s curator, Mr Toby Jade, 74, told reporters: “This is a terrible shock to all of us at the museum and I hope the police will catch whoever’s responsible for this and return the arses to us as soon as possible”
Fortunately for the museum, the priceless “Fragment…
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Speaking on his breakfast show this morning, lifelong United fan, Holmes – already under heavy criticism for his remarks about West Ham supporters last week, told viewers:
“It was sickening to see these so-called human beings arriving at Wembley this morning; decked out in Crystal Palace colours, guzzling hot dogs and swilling from bottles of pop. Some of these moronic louts even had their wives and kids with them for God’s sake. They poured off that train at Wembley Park station like a plague of scuttling vermin. They were worse than those West Ham scumbags that made us all hark bark to the dark days of the hooligan-led tragedy at Hillsborough, with their pelting of our boys’ team bus last Tuesday. I’d birch the lot of them to be honest with you”
Holmes later apologised for his outburst in a brief statement: “I’m sorry I accused the Crystal Palace fans of eating hotdogs. It has now been pointed out to me that some of them had brought flasks and a packed lunch”
Dear Whitechapel Whelk
I’m a 19-year-old exchange student from China and I’d like to protest in the strongest possible terms about my treatment since arriving here in the UK three months ago.
Initially, people always seem to be very kind and welcoming, but their attitude seems to change as soon as I tell them my name. They become hostile, verbally abusive, and even violent.
Last week, for example, I was pulled over by a police car for driving on the wrong side of the road. At first, the two officers were understanding and quite helpful; but as soon as I gave one of them my details they became angry and started beating me around the head and body with their truncheons. I had a similar experience in a nightclub when a girl I was chatting to asked for my name.
It has now got to the point where I no…
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Staying in the EU Will Be Akin to The Rape of The Sabine Women by Megatron Out of Transformers Says Nigel Farage
“Ok. Where’s all them little Sabine honey’s at?”
United Kingdom Independence Party leader, Nigel Farage, was facing a storm of criticism last night after describing Britain voting to remain in the European Union in the forthcoming referendum as akin to the infamous rape of the Sabine women in 750BC being perpetrated by Megatron out of Transformers instead of the Romans.
The right-wing UKIP leader told The Whitechapel Whelk: “For my money, if Britain votes to stay in Europe it will be nothing short of a disaster and akin to Megatron out of Transformers raping the Sabine women with his big metal nob”
Farage’s outburst is the latest in a long line of negative and increasingly extreme analogies from the warring EU referendum protagonists; with Brexit campaigner-in-chief, Boris Johnson, comparing the EU to Hitler’s Nazis, and Prime Minister, David Cameron’s grim warning that an exit vote would condemn Europe to World…
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There was widespread jubilation amongst the world’s poor and destitute yesterday as the United States Federal Reserve announced a 0.25 percentage rise in interest rates, the first increase since 2006.
One homeless beggar in Mumbai in India, who has spent the last 27 years living on a rubbish tip on the outskirts of the city with his family, could scarcely contain his joy when he spoke to reporters: “This has got to be the happiest day of my life” he said. “A 0.25% hike is something I never thought I’d see in my lifetime. I can’t wait to tell the wife and kids to be honest”
In Brazil’s capital and financial hub, Brasilia, the mood was equally euphoric. Maria Gonzales, a 24-year-old mother of 7, wept with joy as she thanked God for the financial boost this latest move would bring to her family. “When I heard the news I fell to my knees and gave thanks to Almighty God for his bounty. Two of my children died of malnutrition last week so I’ve been feeling pretty low ever since, but this wonderful fiscal development has completely wiped away my pain. I just wish the little ones had lived to see this great day”
In Britain, excitement at the news was also widespread amongst the poor and disadvantaged. There were one or two dissenting voices, however. Toby Dell, a 70-year-old vagrant who has been living on the streets since 1963, said: “It’s ok for these young kids to get all excited at the financial upturn, but for old people like myself it’s not going to make a great deal of difference in my opinion. Call me a cynic if you like but I remember the quarter of one percent rise in interest rates introduced by The Bank of England in 1978. All my homeless friends were over the moon and talking wildly of a global upturn with a raising of the upper tax threshold for high earners, but in the end, the government didn’t even reduce the price of rolling tobacco or a 4 pack of Tennants Super”
A Federal Reserve spokesperson said last night: “If the world’s poor are feeling boosted by this move then I guess we’re winning. The fact that they’re still losing doesn’t enter into the equation in our view”
A famous person pictured taking the appropriate action to avoid any bogie-related dramas
A 23-year-old local woman has committed suicide after realising that she spent an entire dinner date with her new boyfriend with a remnant of dried mucus, or “bogie” attached to one of her nostrils.
Jade Tracy, from Mile End Road in Whitechapel, was found dead in her flat from a suspected overdose. She had earlier confided in her close friend, Mary Dell, also 23, that the incident had left her mortified and deeply depressed.
Mary, who had known the dead woman since early childhood, said last night: “Jade only realised she had this bogie stuck under her nose when she went to the ladies just before she and her new bloke were about to leave. She told me that it must have been there throughout their meal and that it was probably formed when she blew her nose…
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