Monthly Archives: April 2016

Mad-Ass Hussein: The Despotic Whitechapel Motor Vehicle Technician You Can Trust

Saddam-Hussein-03 “I’ll have a look at it guvnor but it’ll cost you a long un just to open the bonnet”

Dear Mad-Ass

I recently bought my daughter an old BMC Mini from an auction which is now her pride and joy. It runs beautifully for such an old vehicle apart from its tendency to misbehave in wet conditions. Whenever she drives it through a puddle, or if the rain is particularly heavy, the engine becomes extremely sluggish and seems to develop a misfire.

My daughter absolutely adores the car and is loathe to part with it, so your help and advice would be most welcome on this one.

Jim Stepney



Dear Jim

How sweet will be our victory when we crush the British and American jackals at the very gates of Baghdad! Our mighty Republican Guard will destroy the infidels and drive them back to their lairs like whipped…

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Whitechapel in Shock as Singing Vagrant Steps on Garden Rake

drunk Billy the vagrant Devastated. A distraught local pictured in reflective mood last night

The East London district of Whitechapel was in a state of shock yesterday after news broke that an alcoholic street entertainer had stepped on a rake outside a gardening accessories shop in Whitechapel, causing the handle to strike him a glancing blow which left him with a large swelling above his left eye.

Billy Dell, 57, of no fixed abode, was a regular sight outside Whitechapel tube station, where he would entertain commuters by singing a medley of popular songs, often accompanying himself on the spoons and jew’s harp.

Last night, local people were gathering outside the shop doorway where he sleeps, laying floral tributes and placing lighted candles next to his fetid sleeping bag. Some were even being sick and urinating in nearby doorways as a tribute to their idol.

One distraught woman told The Whelk: “I grew up…

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Whitechapel Blogger Found Dead After Comment Snub

gaz adult baby meme Mr Hoadley, a keen fitness fanatic, pictured during happier times in Victoria Park last month

The remains of an 89-year-old man were discovered in his East London flat yesterday after neighbours complained of an unpleasant smell coming from the one-bedroom property in Whitechapel.

It is believed that the man, who has been named as Garfield Hoadley, unemployed, was a keen blogger on the WordPress site and may have lost the will to live after having a comment that he made on another blog ignored and left in the ‘pending’ section for over 3 months.

 A neighbour told The Whelk last night “He was a nice man and a quiet and considerate neighbour. He told me a few months ago that he’d made a comment on a satirical magazine blog of some description and that he was really looking forward to getting a reply. After that, we didn’t see…

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Syrian Doctor Bemoans “Terrible Year for Dead Celebrities”

The League of Mental Men!

gettyimages-488477320 A rescuer gives succour to a wounded youngster in Aleppo yesterday afternoon

A doctor at a hospital in the beleaguered town of Aleppo in Syria spoke of his grief last night as he struggled to come to terms with the death of music legend,  Prince, who passed away at his home yesterday, aged 57.

Cradling the broken body of a 3-year-old girl, killed just hours earlier in a government forces airstrike, Dr Ahmood Analfisi, 22, broke down repeatedly as he spoke of the latest addition to the steady procession of celebrities that have died since the beginning of the year.

“It was bad enough when Lemmy out of Motorhead was so cruelly taken from us” he said, blinking back tears. “Then it was that bloke out of The Eagles, followed by David Bowie, and, perhaps, most devastating of all; Grizzly Adams! How I’m going to break the news that Prince…

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The Casebook of PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged Whitechapel Bobby You Can Trust


Dear PC Ted

I’m a 15-year-old girl who’s being bullied at school by some of my classmates. The girls, in particular, keep making nasty comments about me because I’m quite pretty and the boys like me. I’ve been physically attacked on my way home and have had to stop using social media because of the unkind things these girls say about me. I was wondering whether you could come to my school and give a talk on how upsetting and damaging bullying can be.

Please help if you can PC Ted because I’ve become so depressed I’ve even considered taking an overdose. I’ve come really close once or twice but can’t bear the thought of upsetting my parents.

Yvonne Prendergast
Milton Keynes


Dear Yvonne

Evenin’ all.

As a serving London bobby with over 25 years experience under my belt, I’ve been confronted with problems like yours on countless occasions…

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The Whelk’s Handy Guide to Facebooking Without the Internet

So true hun! 🙂

beckhamA 75-year-old trawlerman from Lowestoft displaying his latest FB avatar last night.

Avatar Simulation: Enlarge a particularly flattering picture of yourself taken a least two decades ago and walk around the streets with it glued to your face. Singularly unattractive people may prefer to use their favourite celebrity; such as George Clooney or Rachel Weiss. You’ll be fooling nobody mind.

Posting: Enter a crowded room holding aloft pictures of one of the following:  Your dinner, a holiday snap, you in a drunken state surrounded by a number of equally inebriated halfwits, your utterly hideous child, a meme containing a profound epithet that you couldn’t possibly have come up with in a month of Sundays, a beloved pet that would quite frankly look better after being run over by a bus, or, lastly, one of yourself taken in your teen years which proves beyond any doubt that you haven’t improved with…

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Clivey and Gaz in: Deep-Sea Angling Blues

Editing at its most sublime.

Clive and Gaz - Trotter Van 1written in a lazy, slapdash manner without a thought for the readership by Gary Hoadley, 108. Meticulously and lovingly restored to something resembling decent copy by Clivey Dee, 19.

The lads are in the saloon bar of The Grave Maurice in Whitechapel, East London. Gaz is in reflective mood

Gaz – “Ere, I went fishing darn in Cornwall last week Clivey”

Clivey – “Blimey, do you speak foreign then Gaz?”

Gaz – “Nah, I had me dictionary with me”

Clivey – “What did you catch then?”

Gaz – “Well, it was a bit of a struggle, but I caught a twenty stone, eighteen-foot shark, and I landed it on the rowing boat”

Clivey – “Fuck off Gaz! You’re pulling my plonker squire. Twenty stone?!”

Gaz – “Straight up mate! Took me hours to row back to shore”

Clivey downs his pint and wipes his mouth with the back of his…

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Whitechapel Whistleblower Exposes Leftie Corbyn’s Tax Dodge

He’s a saucy bastard and no error!

Corbynspeakingcreditneeded “Workers of the world unite. You have nothing to lose but your VAT demands!”

Following hard on the heels of the now infamous, Panama Papers furore, which has implemented a number of prominent businessmen and politicians in an offshore tax avoidance scheme, a postmaster at a sub-post office in Whitechapel, East London has told The Whelk that Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, purchased £37 worth of premium bonds in 1997 in an underhand bid to defraud the exchequer of tax revenue.

Mr. Ahmed Analfisi, 65, told us yesterday: “Corbyn came in on the afternoon in question accompanied by a black lady. I think it was that other Labour MP, Diane Abbott, the one that he was supposed to have been having an affair with.

“He looked very shifty and his top lip was coated with sweat as he asked for £37 worth of premium bonds. He paid in used notes…

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Whitechapel Man Leaves Bride at the Altar for Passing Wind During Vows


A 19-year-old bride was left weeping at the altar when her 21-year-old husband-to-be stormed out of the church after the girl noisily passed wind as he placed the wedding band on her finger during a ceremony in Whitechapel, East London last Saturday.

Shocked guests rushed to comfort the distraught bride who was last night believed to be staying at her parent’s home in nearby Plaistow.

The best man, Mr Tony Soames, 23, told The Whelk last night. “It was a bit of a bad day all round really. I’ve been in touch with my mate since, but he insists there’s no going back. He told me that it wasn’t so much the actual fart itself that upset him, it was the way she stood on one leg and then shook the other one until she let rip. Not only that, but the stench afterwards was absolutely cruel. You could…

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