Monthly Archives: March 2016

The Dalai Lama Pushed My Face Into a Plate of Pie and Mash Claims Whitechapel Woman

I dunno folks. The religious leaders of today eh? 😦

pie and mash 1 A plate of pie, mash and liquor that hadn’t had anybody’s face pushed into it, pictured last night

A 46-year-old local woman has made the surprising claim that religious leader, The Dalai Lama, pushed her face into a plate of pie and mash that she was enjoying at an eaterie in Whitechapel at the weekend.

Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of 6, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “It was about 2.30 in the afternoon and I’d gone into the pie and mash shop for a nice plate of pie, mash and liquor. I’d only just sat down when I heard a bit of a kerfuffle at the counter. I looked over and saw The Dalai Lama arguing with the girl who was doing the serving. He was really shouting the odds and appeared to be upset with the amount of mash he’d been given. His language was terrible to be…

View original post 179 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Top Gear Storm Following Drive-By Shooting in London

whitechapel market

Carnage! A wounded fruit and veg stallholder pictured on a makeshift stretcher following yesterday’s incident

TV watchdogs were last night studying footage of an incident in Whitechapel Road in East London which appears to show a vehicle being driven at speed through the street market by Top Gear presenter, Chris Evans, while co-presenter, Matt Le Blanc, fires an automatic weapon from the passenger window, spraying shoppers and stallholders with bullets, killing 12 and wounding 18 others.

Evans, already under fire for an earlier stunt in which a souped-up vehicle performed doughnuts alongside The Cenotaph war memorial in Whitehall, was unrepentant last night: “Admittedly, the drive-by thing might be considered a little extreme by some, but we’re trying to produce a cutting edge and off-the-wall show which depicts motoring in all its guises. Naturally, we’re sorry that a few people were killed and injured, but sometimes that’s the price you have to pay when you’re making a popular tv show.”

Ex-Top Gear host, Jeremy Clarkson, last night slammed the stunt “While I’m all in favour of sailing close to the wind when making a motoring programme, this seems a bit extreme. The worst we ever did was rub the Argies noses in it over The Falklands War and push Richard Hammond’s wife in front of a speeding Range Rover to see how far down the road she ended up”

A spokesperson for the BBC said last night that they’d be running the clip in the new series but might consider editing out the footage of bloodied corpses and the anguished cries of the wounded and dying.

Leave a comment

Filed under Satire, Uncategorized

SoZ Satire’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Poetic Wonder

 

percy-bysshe-shelley

“Why not just give it a rest and leave it to us experts eh?”

 

Dear WordPress Famileeeee

Stop wid da poetreeeeee

It’s not too good you seeeeeeee

And, if you’re asking meeeeeee

Da place dat it should beeeeeeeee

Is in da lavatreeeeeeee.

Inspired by Percy Bysshe Shelly’s sonnet: “I stuck my finger in the woodpecker’s hole”

8 Comments

Filed under Satire

Chowing Down on Human Flesh May Cause Hair Loss: Stark Warning For 1975 Andes Plane Crash Survivors.

bald-man

“I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that bloody co-pilot!”

 

Survivors of the 1975 plane crash in The Andes which resulted in a number of acts of cannibalism have been told by scientists that they may go prematurely bald as a result of having consumed human flesh.

A leading hair expert warned: “In my opinion if any of the survivors are now suffering from premature hair loss they only have themselves to blame. To test my theory, I gave my wife a plate of grilled human noses last week and she’s already complaining that her hair is coming out in tufts when she brushes it.”

One of the survivors – who asked not to be named – refuted the claim last night: “I’ve got a wonderful head of hair despite being involved in that plane crash so it’s all nonsense in my view”

When pressed further he admitted that he was a committed vegan and had only actually eaten bits of the engine and a packet of cheese and onion crisps that he’d found in the pocket of one of the dead.

This latest dietary finding comes just weeks after nutritionists discovered that men who moisturise are far more likely to have extremely small penises.

Leave a comment

Filed under Satire

Whitechapel Man Caged After Two-In-A Bed Romp With Tin-Opener

Dirty sod!

tin opener “Hello boys” The tin-opener concerned poses provocatively for snappers outside court yesterday afternoon.

A 40-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London was jailed at Aldgate Assizes earlier today after his wife reported him to the police for engaging in a seedy romp with a tin-opener.

Mrs Tracy Dell, also 40, told the court: “I could hear noises coming from the bedroom and went in. My husband was sitting up in bed, red-faced and sweating quite heavily. His breathing was laboured and I realised at once that he had been having sex with the tin-opener. I yanked back the sheet and spotted it straight away. He had it in his hand and seemed to be fondling the handle. I immediately locked him inside the room and called the police.

Mr Toby Dell, a fishmonger, told arresting officers that he was struggling to open a bottle of beer when his wife had…

View original post 112 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Ask Uncle Jez: The Simpering Pacifist World Leaders Rely On.

The League of Mental Men!

Corbyn as Worzel Gummige - CopyDear Uncle Jez

I’m a Syrian freedom fighter battling the Daesh hoardes in the north of our country. Although we have made some inroads with the help of western air strikes and have driven our foes from one or two small towns, the terrorists still have control of large areas and are subjecting our people to the most barbaric treatment. Beheadings, rape, the summary execution of homosexuals and child abduction is commonplace.

If Labour win the next election, can I and my comrades-in-arms rely on your government for continued support in our struggle to save this country from extremism and from the impending terrible threat of coming under the yolk of sharia law?

Fond Regards

Mehmet al-Nafisi

Raqqa

Dear Mehmet

I’m afraid not as I don’t believe in armed conflict under any circumstances. However, if we do manage to get in at the next election, I will make the pledge…

View original post 158 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized