Monthly Archives: March 2016

East End Boys & West End Curls: Featuring Clivey & Gaz

The Whitechapel Whelk

clive-and-gaz-trotter-van-1Carelessly written by “Big” Gary Hoadley, 87. Meticulously edited by Clivey “Slightly smaller but there’s not much in it” Dee, 19

The scene is a small Maltese barbershop in Whitechapel, East London. Clivey walks in and sits in the chair. Gaz approaches, clippers in hand.

Gaz – “Hello Clivey me old China”

Clivey – “Watcha mate, you alright?”

Gaz – “Yeah not too shabby son. What will it be today then squire?”

Clivey – “What, you cutting hair now then Gaz?”

Gaz – Yes mate. Learnt how to do it in the nut house”

Clivey –  “Class! Well, I hope you’re better than that Mike geezer who used to work here. He was a bleedin’ shambles mate. Used to leave me looking like a right Charlie”

Gaz –  “Course I am Clivey, stand on me son”

Clivey – “Right then, can you cut my hair in the same style as…

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Great London Sporting Events: “Cobbling”

The Whitechapel Whelk

cobblingThe two combatants square up in 1898. Notice the horse in the background which was to ruin everything

An everyday story of violent sporting folk by our guest columnist: Gary “Mr Stewed Eels & Mash” Hoadley

Cobbling was a little-known sport played in the slums of East London around the late 19th century. It’s a highly skilled test of endurance in which men line up facing each other, and at a given signal, they then take it in turns to kick each other in the testicles, or “cobblers” – a cockney rhyming slang term which has been shortened from “cobbler’s awls”  The last man standing is then declared the champion.

My Granddad was champion of West London, while the editor-in-chief of The Whitechapel Whelk, Billy Sykes’s granddad, was champion of East London.

They met for a showdown late one afternoon in Mile End Road in July 1898. Sadly, for both…

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Cameras to be Allowed in English Courts. Met Police Fear Kardashian Crimewave

The Whitechapel Whelk

big ass Kim Kardashian pictured posing for reporters last night

London’s Metropolitan Police have voiced concerns that the proposed introduction of cameras in England’s crown courts from June of this year will lead to a mini-crime wave perpetrated by the publicity-hungry, Kardashian family.

A spokesperson for The Met spoke to The Whitechapel Whelk last night: “This is terrible news for the police service. You can bet your bottom dollar, that as soon as The Kardashians get wind of this, they’ll be over here committing crimes right, left, and centre just to get free publicity and TV exposure”

Kardashian poster girl, Kim, told The Whelk: “This is absolutely awesome news. I’m going to fly over to London and start committing crimes as soon as possible. Maybe just a few break-ins and the odd handling of stolen goods to begin with, then I’ll maybe move onto bigger stuff, like bullion heists and manslaughter”

Ms…

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Heavily-Edited Movie Classics: Rocky IV

rocky meme
 
Training Camp
 

Rocky: “Hey Apollo! You need to get your ass in better shape brother. Dat Russkie, Ivan Drago, he aint no bum of the month my friend”

Midway through the fight

Paulie: “He aint gonna make it Rock. He’s gettin’ killed in there! Dat lousy, commie sonofabitch is just too strong for him!”

Post fight

Rocky: “ADRIAAAAAAAAAN!”

A few months later inside a ring in Moscow

Drago: “I must break you”

BIFF! THUMP! BASH! SOCK! POW!  GNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! *Thud*

Crowd: ROCKY!…ROCKY!…ROCKY!

Rocky: ADRIAAAAAAAN!

The End.

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Joanna Lumley proposes Thames ‘Allotment Ferry’

Londoners. Say no to The Garden Bridge.

The Whitechapel Whelk

joanna lumley allotment barge meme

Actress, Joanna Lumley, has announced plans to finance an ‘allotment ferry’ to cross The Thames at East London using taxpayer’s money it was revealed last night.

Lumley, 95, whose controversial Thames Garden Bridge project has attracted much criticism from Londoners – most of whom feel that the £170 million budget for the bridge could be far more wisely spent elsewhere – spoke excitedly to The Whitechapel Whelk last night:

“I know many people think The Garden Bridge is an expensive folly, designed solely for skinny latte-sucking toffs; and to a large extent, it is. This is why I’m proposing an allotment ferry. It will give the poor and underprivileged of the East End a chance to grow foodstuffs as they make the crossing from one side of the river to the other. They could then use the produce to feed their large families, or they could open market stalls and…

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Corbyn Tight-Lipped Following Car Park Beating From David Cameron

corbyn with missile

 

Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, came in for fresh criticism from his own party members last night for failing to make political capital from a severe beating he had received earlier from Prime Minister, David Cameron, who, according to an eye-witness, had attacked the pacifist opposition leader with a baseball bat in the underground car park at The House of Commons just hours before an emergency debate on terrorism yesterday afternoon.

According to the eye-witness, Cameron leapt from behind a parked car and began beating Corbyn around the head and body with the weapon until he fell to the ground. Shadow Chancellor and long-time friend of Corbyn, John McDonell, who was present during the attack, tried to intervene and grappled with Cameron, before being told by Corbyn to ” just leave it” and that “he’s not worth it”

Corbyn later appeared in The Commons looking dishevelled and unsteady before putting forward a proposal that all convicted terrorists in Britain’s jails should be given a “really itchy” blanket once a week and not allowed to watch Coronation Street every other Wednesday

 

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“Knees Up Mother Brown” to Replace National Anthem at Sporting Events

The Whitechapel Whelk

In a surprise move, the government, in conjunction with The Royal Family, have decided to ditch God Save The Queen at future sporting events and replace it with the cockney anthem: “Knees Up Mother Brown”

It is thought that the government, and indeed, The Queen herself, have long been of the opinion that the present national anthem is a bit of a dirge that fails to instil enthusiasm into Britain’s sporting competitors and that a more lively and upbeat anthem was called for.

It’s understood that Her Majesty and members of The Royal Family have already been hard at work practicing the leg-pumping dancing that accompanies the famous old tune – apart from The Duke of Edinburgh who just plays the piano due to arthritis in both hips.

Parliament welcomed the news yesterday, with Prime Minister, David Cameron, calling the decision “blinding.” Leader of The Opposition, Jeremy Corbyn, was opposed…

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