Monthly Archives: February 2016

The Whitechapel Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Wonder

Amazing! Thanks Whitechapel Whelk!

The Whitechapel Whelk

globe A worldwide world pictured yesterday

Did you know that The Queen has never had a bowel movement? This is because The Queen Mother ordered the royal surgeon to remove her entire digestive system when she was a baby so that she’d never have to suffer the indignity of going to the toilet in the conventional sense.

Whenever The Queen has something to eat, the food goes through a special pipe – a bit like the guttering downpipe on a house – and emerges from her bottom where it goes straight into a bucket under her chair called The Royal Chod Bin. This is why you never see The Queen eating standing up.

The food is then distributed among the poor and needy in the vicinity of Buckingham Palace or wherever she happens to be living at the time.

Her sister, Princess Margaret, didn’t have the operation however, as The Queen…

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Outcry as Whelk Sub-Editor is Hauled From Whitechapel Pub by Tourists for Selfie

The Whitechapel Whelk

Drunk_People_Are_Funny Danny pictured recuperating last night under the watchful eye of friends and well-wishers

There was outrage among the journalistic community last night after it was revealed that a young sub-editor on The Whitechapel Whelk newspaper had been dragged from his barstool in The Blind Beggar public house by a number of foreign tourists who then forcibly held the struggling youngster while they took a number of selfies alongside him.

Danny SoZ, 19, was then returned to the bar in an exhausted and highly agitated state where he required constant attention from the barmaid; who claims it took more than 6 pints of strong lager and a number of vodka and tonics with ice and lemon to calm the confused and distressed newsman.

Soz’s fellow Whelk hack; features and graphics editor, ‘The Artful Dodger’ hit out angrily when told of the incident: “Don’t these bloody people realise that to take a…

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Arsenal Boss Blames Barcelona ‘Killer Team Bus’ for Champion’s League Home Defeat

 

wenger

A clearly shaken Wenger pictured contemplating team bus-related carnage last night

 

Following last night’s comprehensive 2-0 defeat to Barcelona in the European Champions League tie at The Emirates Stadium, Arsenal team boss, Arsene Wenger, was in combative mood as he blamed the Barcelona team bus for his side’s ignominious home defeat.

A clearly furious Wenger told a post-match press conference: “The manner in which the Barcelona team bus entered the car park at the stadium was an absolute disgrace. The driver must have been doing at least 10 miles an hour as he turned into the gates and if my players had been lying down in front of it at the time, and not been in the dressing room, every last one of them could have been killed. This clearly affected our boys and gave the Barcelona side an unfair advantage. It’s very difficult to take”

Wenger’s outburst comes just 3 months after he sacked the Arsenal groundsman for repeatedly erecting posts at both ends of the ground and not just the end his team were attacking.

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Female Circumcision was Key to my Speedway Success Claims Adele

The Whitechapel Whelk

Adele Speedway Rider Pic

Following a series of convincing wins on the speedway track, London pop icon, Adele, has revealed that she puts her recent successes down to having undergone a female circumcision op performed by a neighbor from The Democratic Republic Of Congo at her home in Islington.

Speaking from outside the London Palladium – where she’s appearing in a series of concerts with Sir Cliff Richard – Adele, 57, told reporters: “I was watching a documentary on TV a couple of months ago condemning the practice of female circumcision, which is fairly widespread among the people of a number of African nations. Naturally, I immediately began to wonder whether having my own genitalia mutilated would enhance my career as a speedway rider which has been in the doldrums for a number of seasons. ”

Fortunately, one of my neighbours is a practitioner herself so I popped round one evening and had my…

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Whitechapel Mother Quits Facebook Following “Benny Hill” Baby Jibes

The Whitechapel Whelk

benny-hill-2 One of the woman’s baby pictures which led to a barrage of online jibes

A 22-year-old mother of two from Whitechapel in East London has quit the social media site, Facebook, after pictures of her 2-year-old child were lampooned on the site by people on her friends list, who compared the youngster to the late chubby-faced comedian, Benny Hill.

The woman -who has asked not to be named – told The Whelk that she regularly posts pictures of the infant to Facebook, in the belief that her virtual friends will be fascinated by watching the child’s development, behavioural traits, facial expressions etc.

However, following a particularly heavy stint of photo postings, her friends began sending her pictures of Benny Hill in a number of his trademark gurning poses – with one individual even sending the woman the zany signature tune of The Benny Hill Show which used to accompany the…

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Whitechapel to Host 2020 Olympics For The Elderly

Might as well shove this one on here so people can pretend to have read it I ‘spose. 🙂

The Whitechapel Whelk

old people Crack elderly athletes strain every sinew as they train for the 200m incontinence dash in the forthcoming Whitechapel Olympics

There was jubilation in the East London district of Whitechapel last night when it was announced that they will be hosting the 204th Pensioner’s Olympiad in July 2020.

The deprived inner-city area, beat off stiff competition from a host of strong contenders worldwide, including: Miami Florida, Brisbane Australia, a small village in The Himalayas which boasts an unlikely average age of 103, and Bournemouth which claims to sell more Phylosan tablets per capita than any other place on earth.

The run-down district in the heart of London’s East End now has to gear itself up to host over a million unsteady visitors with impaired vision, failing memories and bladder control issues, with building costs on public lavatories alone expected to exceed a billion pounds.

Some of the events being staged in…

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London Man Caged for ‘WordPress Serial Commentors’ Slayings

 

ugly couple

The tragic coupled pictured in happier times at a WordPress dinner and dance

 

A 19-year-old man from East London was given two consecutive life sentences at The Old Bailey yesterday for the brutal killings of a man and woman, whose only crime appears to have been spending long periods commenting back and forth on the WordPress blogging site.

The convicted man, Clive Dee, from Whitechapel, attacked, Marvin Johnson and Martha Walmart, both 67 and from Islington, North London, on the same day, using a meat cleaver, a slaughterman’s poleaxe, and a Royal Navy belaying pin before shooting them both repeatedly in the face – an act which Dee claimed after his arrest was: ‘just to be on the safe side’

According to Dee’s defence barrister, Toby Carter QC, Dee had become so sick of the pair’s long-winded commenting on each other’s blogs – the exchanges sometimes lasting for months on one post alone – he became unhinged and decided to put a stop to it once and for all.

“It was totally out of character for my client to behave in this way,” Mr Carter told the court. “The truth is, this couple drove Mr Dee to the very edge of reason itself with their banal, fawning platitudes and insincere assessments of each other’s work. This resulted in the tragedy that has been put before this court”

Mr Justice Derek Tracy, presiding, told Dee before passing sentence: “While I realise that the provocation you had to face was severe and that many people may indeed sympathise, and even condone your actions, we can’t have members of the public slaughtering people just for being irritating”

As Dee was taken from the dock, he yelled out to family and friends “I’ve no comment to make about anything and neither have they now, the fuckers!”

This case comes just a month after a Facebooker received a life sentence at Nottingham Crown Court for shooting a 78-year-old man in the back fifteen times for constantly posting pictures of his dinner to his timeline.

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