Monthly Archives: January 2016

Cockney Characters: Rubber Johnny, The Sexually Insane Dinner Party Consultant

The Whitechapel Whelk

rubber johnny

Dear Rubber Johnny

My wife and I are throwing a small dinner party for around a dozen friends this weekend and we were wondering about hors oeuvres. Should we push the boat out and go for something fancy like crostini with lemon fennel slaw, or keep it simple and serve a classic like peanut chicken skewers with a spicy mayo dip?

Mr and Mrs Nigel Precious
Walthamstowe
London E17

*************

Dear Nigel

Have you ever thrown a dinner party wearing latex panties under your trousers? I have and it’s absolutely marvelous! The sensation of the rubber against my engorged member as we made small talk was so mind blowing I actually ejaculated violently during the soup course. Does Mrs Precious like rubber? If so, could you send me some pictures of her wearing a gas mask?

If I were you, I’d go for something easy to prepare and yet delicious…

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Cockney Characters #324: Fracking Ada. Whitechapel’s Pro-Shale Gas, Anti-Immigration Activist

A touch of shameless self-publicity right here folks 😀

The Whitechapel Whelk

fracking ada

Do you know what the trouble is with Whitechapel nowadays? Well, I’ll tell you. There are far too many immigrants and not enough shale gas producing wells.

I’ve lived here all my life and I’m sick to death of walking through Whitechapel Market and seeing countless black and Asian faces and not a single fracking facility in sight.

Only last week, I bought a kilo of oranges from a Pakistani stallholder outside the tube station – and although he was very polite and gave me one or two extra – when I put it to him that his business, and Whitechapel in general, would benefit from having a fracking well next to his stall, he looked at me as if I was round the bend. There’s just no talking to some people is there?

In my opinion, all these immigrants that are flooding into this country should be put to…

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Unto You A Whelk Is Born

Whelk Gravatar

 

Greetings my wuffly ickle WordPress Family friendzzzz!

I know I’m massive pain in the arse (my mum told me) but I’m going to ask you a huge favour if I may.

Along with a couple of other satirist reprobates and a talented graphics wallah, I have started a small, but perfectly formed, online spoof newspaper. It’s in its infancy at the moment but we have high hopes for our new baby and with your kind help we can get off to a decent start.

It’s a London-centric newspaper based in the Whitechapel area of East London – an area I know extremely well; and it basically consists of spoof news items, vignettes of local characters – some more outlandish than others – along with a sprinkling of hilarious (it says here) memes etc.

You won’t find any biting political satire here – I can get that stuff published elsewhere. It’s just a bit of fun and an enjoyable outlet for our somewhat bizarre sense of humour. Hopefully, you’ll find it as enjoyable and as much fun to read as we have enjoyed putting it together.

One old journo friend of mine described it earlier as “brilliantly funny”. However, he’s not to be trusted and is renowned for drinking heavily morning, noon and night, so I’d take that with a pinch of salt if I were you.

So please, take a quick look and give us a follow if you like what you see. We will, of course, follow you back, and our sub-editor – a brute-like creature who has worked his way up from being copy boy on The Illustrated London News in 1888 – will be more than happy to field your comments, suggestions and spiteful abuse in the order in which he receives them.

So here we go then guys. Our WordPress site and Facebook page (please ‘like’ generously. All proceeds go to an orphaned kittens hostel) are listed below for your delectation and delight.

Thanks and best wishes in anticipation of your poorly-judged patronage

Clivey Dee, 19, and The Whitechapel Whelk production drunks

https://thewhelkwordpresscom.wordpress.com

https://www.facebook.com/www.TheWhitechapelWhelk/

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The Jezz Bomb

corbyn with missile

As a lifelong Labour Party supporter and socialist, can I just say that Jeremy Corbyn is an extremist buffoon who has about as much chance of being elected as I have of being voted “WordPress Family Member of The Year”.

We are talking here about a man who wants to build and launch nuclear submarines at astronomic expense to the taxpayer but without any missiles on board. He also believes that the way forward with the murderous, Daesh, is to talk things through over a nice cup of tea and a plate of macaroons. No really!

Can you see where I’m coming from on this one folks?   The bloke’s certifiable in my view. It’s Trumpism in a cloth fucking cap!

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The SoZ Satire Mint Proudly Presents: The David Bowie Platinum Protein Pill of Hope

pill

We at The SoZ Satire Mint are delighted to offer you the chance to own this exquisite protein pill commemorating the passing of music legend, David Bowie, and made to look a bit like the one Major Tom was advised to take in Bowie’s classic hit: ‘Take YourProtein Pill and Put Your Helmet On’

Each pill has been lovingly machine-fashioned by Brazilian orphans in a corrugated iron shed in a Rio shanty town, and is made from authentic pig iron, painted silver to look like platinum.

We guarantee that every penny of your money will go directly to The SoZ Satire Mint and that no percentage of it will be going to a charity of your, nor indeed, anybody else’s choice.

Worth over 27 pence in raw materials alone, we are offering you this unmissable chance to pay homage to one of the great music and style icons of all time for just £3,567.89, payable in manageable installments of £1000 per week for 6 weeks or until we say stop.

To get your Protein Pill of Hope at some vague, unspecified time in the future, send your bank details, debit/credit card + PIN and house keys to:

The SoZ Satire Mint
The Crown and Anchor
22 Shit Street
Bermondsey
London

DISCLAIMER: I’m a vulnerable, gullible halfwit who reacted to Bowie’s passing as if I’d just learned that my granny had been shot in the back. I realise that I will receive absolutely nothing by return of post – not now, nor at any time in the future, and that any complaint from myself or my representative will result in my being attacked in the street by a SoZ Satire strongarm merchant. I have no mob connections and I do not possess a firearm.
signed…

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Starving Syrian Children Snub Bowie Tributes as World Mourns

The selfishness of some people knows absolutely no bounds does it?

The League of Mental Men!

starving child

by SoZ Satire’s foreign correspondent

As the world struggles to come to terms with the passing of pop legend and style icon, David Bowie, who died yesterday following an 18-month battle with cancer, a small group of children I spoke to yesterday in the besieged Syrian town of Madaya appeared largely unconcerned by the event, and rather shockingly, seemed more interested in finding something to eat.

Madaya, which has been surrounded and shelled on a daily basis by the government troops of Syrian despot leader, President Bashar al-Assad, over the past six months, has a population of 40,000, many of whom are reported to be slowly starving to death but none of whom have expressed a modicum of concern for the tragic death of the millionaire pop icon as far as I’m aware.

Through an interpreter, I spoke to an emaciated child of around 6 years of age, and put…

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