ugly woman


One of the seven undercover police officers accused of entering into  long-term sexual relationships with female political and animal rights activists as a means of obtaining information, is suing The Metropolitan Police for damages after claiming that the woman he was assigned to was extremely unattractive, and that being asked to sleep with her on a regular basis caused him unnecessary suffering resulting in psychological trauma and a complete loss of libido.

The officer – who can’t be named for legal reasons – spoke to us last night:

“To say this woman was a bit of a tugboat doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface to be honest with you. She was that rough I wouldn’t have touched her with someone else’s and that’s the God’s honest truth.

“She was around 19 stone soaking wet, with a shaved head and these huge ears. From behind, she looked like a London taxi with the doors open.

“Her personal hygiene was also pretty rudimentary to say the very least. During the summer months, walking into our lounge was like being trapped in a lift with a decomposing halibut.

“The nights were the worst though; she had the most enormous sexual appetite and wanted sex constantly. To be honest, she was that hideous I couldn’t even get a lazy lob on half the time and used to fool her by using a strap-on. I wouldn’t have minded, but she didn’t even have a half decent pair of tits.

“Eventually, I put in a written request to the chief constable, asking to be relieved of duty on compassionate grounds. He was reluctant to grant it at first, but I sent him a picture of her with no clothes on and he relented. He even recommended me for The Police Medal of Valor for actions above and beyond the call of duty, which, under the circumstances, was no more than I deserved in my opinion. I’m still traumatized to this day, and regularly suffer panic attacks when I pass a wet fish shop or see Vanessa Feltz on TV”

The officer has now retired and lives with his two cats and a 23-year-old interior designer called Gerald in Brighton.


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