A proud couple from South London last night announced the birth of their first child via the social media site, Facebook, declaring that the child weighed 6lb 7oz at birth and is already displaying a number of traits that bode well for a promising future spent whining and attention-seeking online.
“We’ve named him, Mark, after Mr Zuckerberg, said proud mum Tracy Dell, 23, from Bermondsey. “We can’t wait for him to get a bit older so we can teach him to use Facebook. His dad and I are hoping, that by the time he reaches school age, he’ll be capable of leaving vague, passive-aggressive status updates on his timeline, posting selfies – including pictures of his dinner, of whining constantly about being unwell, and maybe even filming and sharing short clips of the cat performing an impromptu, hilarious stunt”
Her husband, Toby, 27, laughed as he told us: “That would be great, but first things first. Initially, I want to make sure he’s able to send photographs of his tiny cock to women and to post memes containing unpleasant sexual innuendo before we even think of moving on to the more complicated stuff. My nephew, who’s only 9-years-old, has already been thrown out of Instagram for posting indecent images and has had his laptop seized by the police, so hopefully he’ll follow in his footsteps”
When told of the couple’s aspirations for the youngster, a spokesperson for Facebook said last night: “We’d like to congratulate the couple on the birth of their child, and, while we don’t encourage sending inappropriate material, we like to think we have a pretty good record of turning a blind eye to those who do”
The couple were back home late last night, and according to friends, have already started boring people rigid with countless photographs of the infant wrapped in a shawl looking like shit on a stick.