SOZ SATIRE’S HEAVILY EDITED CLASSICS IN COCKNEY.

pride with caps

1 – War And Peace by Leo Tolstoy.

“Blimey that Napoleon’s a bit of a mouthy bleeder Ivan. I see trouble ahead my son”

BOOM!.. BOOM!… BLAM!… BOOM!… KAPOOOW!… GNNNNNNNN!

“Christ thank Gawd that’s over Katerina. Peace at last sweedart!… Gissa kiss Treacle”

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2 – Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens

“It’s a little geezer Mr Bumble. The muvver died in childbirth the poor little mare”

“Bow to the board you little toerag!”

“You gotta pick a pocket or two Oliver my dear”

“I’m your long lost grandad. Here’s a load of lovely lolly squire. Now come and live in my big old drum in London”

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3 – Moby Dick by Herman Melville

“I’m gonna nail that big fat white bleeder if it’s the last fing I do, so ‘elp me!”

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WOT A BLEEDIN’ SICKENER! glub glub glub…UNH!

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4 – Crime And Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

“Blimey I’m skint again. I think I’ll go and turn over that curmudgeonly old money lender woman and her half-daft daughter. I  just ‘ope I don’t murder ’em by accident like”

“Bollocks!”

“I love yer princess, and I’ll marry yer as soon as I get aht of the shovel and pick”

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5 – Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austen

“I ‘ate that Mr Darcy big time. ‘e’s such a flash monkey, with his big old gaff in the country and his diabolical, condescending attitude”

SPLASH!… *swim, swim, puff, pant, wheeze*

“Oh I dunno though. ‘e’s not as bad as I thought to be fair. ‘op on Mr D!

The End innit

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7 Comments

Filed under Humour

7 responses to “SOZ SATIRE’S HEAVILY EDITED CLASSICS IN COCKNEY.

  1. Awesome, innit?! Blimey, that was a good bollocking yer gi’ ’em. Gissa kiss. x

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    • Hey, that’s a very impressive cockney accent you have there! Why, if I didn’t know better I’d say, that like myself, you were born within the sound of Bow Bells haha.

      Liked by 1 person

      • (Jamaica). Very post colonial, Commonwealth education. I talk like that sometimes, too, which throws people off. Ha ha ha x

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      • Ah Jamaica! The land of Bob Marley and fearsome fast bowlers. A beautiful part of the world for sure. I went to Antigua a few years back for my daughter’s wedding. I’m still trying to treat the sunburn and the hopeless rum addiction 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • You’re lucky you didn’t go to Cuba. Their rum has magical properties. (I highly recommend it). Jamaican rum is beautifully flavoured, too, but it’s too hard on my stomach, so I can’t indulge too often. x

        Liked by 1 person

      • I have also been to Cuba but I was arrested shortly after landing. Mind you, I had just hijacked an aircraft bound for Oslo :(. As for the dicky tummy, my partner always recommends total abstinence, or failing that, a rolling pin across the head. It’s her gypsy temperament you see? 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      • Gotcha. Great advice. I’ll bear that in mind next trip.

        Liked by 1 person

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