Monthly Archives: October 2015

PILCHARD SPITTLEJOHN: BRITAIN’S FAVOURITE FLEET STREET FASCIST

The League of Mental Men!

richard

by Danny SoZ aged 19

Have you heard the latest? Apparently, this country’s population will have grown by over 100 million by Christmas Eve and that’s no exaggeration. The latest figures – and I’ve just this minute written them down and have them right here in front of me – indicate, that by the time you’re unwrapping the socks and jumper from Auntie Maude,  there will be an extremely good chance that the people next door will be ignoring Christmas completely due to the fact that they’re black Muslims from Romania or somewhere similar. No wonder this great country’s going to hell in a handcart. I mean to say, you just couldn’t make it up could you?

I’ll tell you something else you couldn’t make up and that’s the Scottish. Did you know that 99.9% of Scots want to kill and eat an Englishman, and that’s despite the fact that…

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LONDON CINEMA CANCELS SCREENING OF BOND MOVIE FOLLOWING POISON DART INCIDENT.

odd job

A screening of the new James Bond epic, Spectre, was cancelled at a London cinema yesterday after a man in the queue was shot with a poison dart – believed to have been fired from a passing car.

Disappointed cinema-goers at The Rialto in Cripplegate, East London, were given refunds and complimentary tickets to any future screening.

An eye-witness told us: “A black E-Class Mercedes with blacked-out windows drove past slowly as we waited to get in. I saw one of the rear windows wind down. Inside I could see this huge Chinese bloke in a bowler hat. He had a blowpipe in his mouth and seemed to puff out his cheeks and blow into it. The next thing I knew, the geezer in front of me collapsed to the deck, clutching his neck. I couldn’t believe it to be honest with you”

This is the second fatal incident to hit the venue in the last two years following the death of a man, who hanged himself in the toilets in the intermission during a screening of 50 Shades of Grey.

The coroner’s verdict in that instance was: Death by misadventure due to terminal boredom.

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SOZ SATIRE’S WONDERFUL WORLDWIDE WORLD OF WONDER

Blimey! You live and learn don’t yers?

The League of Mental Men!

spaceman

by Danny SoZ aged 19

You know spacemen? Well, apparently, whenever they go up in space they carry a tube full of their own semen with ’em in a special pocket in their spacesuit.

This is in case they land on a planet with aliens on it and want to breed with ’em to create a mutant human/alien being. Obviously, they won’t be able to shag ’em normally because they can’t take off their spacesuit on account of the fact that they’d float away into space due to the zero gravity, plus the air in space would kill ’em. So, what they do, is hand the tube full of spadge to the woman alien who then squirts it up her growler with a turkey baster of something along those lines.

The spaceman then gives the mother-to-be his mobile phone number so she can tell him when she’s had the sprog…

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Ode To Facebook

I never reblog anything, as a rule, but I’m going to make an exception for this deliciously wry, satirical ode by the delightful, Touch of Cinnamon. Great stuff sweetheart! 😀

Touch Of Cinnamon

Facebook-Meme

Come sit beside me,
lets take a look
at what I saw
on my Facebook

Cryptic updates,
attention seeking
widespread ‘LOL’s’
and people freaking.

Stolen words
so bland and trite
from foolish pens
that cannot write.

Another photo…
my neighbours brunch
there’s one of breakfast
and Sunday lunch!

Loads of (((((HUGS)))))
and talk of karma
from catty teens,
the queens of drama.

Greetings galore
a birthday thread.
“I wuff oo babes
I wish you were dead”

Kids speak “text”,
“Hey, hows yu m8?.
Adults ponder…
and participate.

Numerous photos
of hideous sprogs
Cats abound
and ugly dogs.

Politics, dogma
in boxes, square
“Down with this one…
and that one there!”

My work is done
Please hear my call:
Write on paper…
not someone’s wall.

Facebook

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ARCHIE PAMPERS: ADULT BABY AND THE AUTOMOBILE CLUTCH TECHNICIAN YOU CAN TRUST.

adult baby

Dear Archie

I own a 2002 Honda Civic Sport 1.4 and have recently experienced quite severe clutch judder when moving away from lights etc. The problem seems even more acute when the vehicle is cold after being left in the garage overnight.

What do you think might be causing this and will it be expensive to repair as I’m pretty strapped for cash at the moment?

Thanks Archie

Richard Branson

Barbados

*****************************************

Dear Richard

Goo goo ga ga goo ga goo goo goo ga ga glop gloop ga ga blubberlubberlubber gloop ga ga… UNNNNNNNNNNNNNH!…

WAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAH!… I done poopy plops mummy! I need a clean bum bum! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

PS. Sounds like your pressure plate may be warped or out of alignment Richard. Take it to your local clutch specialist and get them to check it out for you, or if you feel adventurous, tackle the job yourself using a clutch alignment tool or gearbox input shaft.

All the best my friend and good luck with it.

Archie.

Archie Pampers comes to you courtesy of: A.P. Transmissions “Repairing clutches and sleeping in our own shit since 1987”

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CHANCELLOR GEORGE OSBORNE IN LIMPING CAT MYSTERY

The League of Mental Men!

limping cat

There was growing concern last night over the condition of the resident cat at Number 11 Downing Street, home of Chancellor Of The Exchequer, George Osborne, after it was spotted walking with a pronounced limp following the defeat of the government’s bill to slash tax credits for working families in The House of Lords on Monday.

A number of eye witnesses reported seeing the tortoiseshell feline limping down Downing Street just hours after the Chancellor had returned home late on Monday evening, following the bill’s rejection by Labour and Lib Dem peers – the first time a finance bill had been thrown out in 100 years.

An American tourist, who was taking photographs outside Number 10 on Monday evening, reported hearing a series of thuds followed by loud meowing shortly after Osborne’s return.

“I have to say that Mr Osborne didn’t look very happy as he got out of the…

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“FACEBOOK” PHOEBE FRENDZ: A DAY IN THE LIFE

ugly girl

Hi Guyz! Only me again. You remember… Phoeebs. You must remember me! I’m such a great laugh and have lotzz and lotzz of luvlee FB frendzzzz who think the absolute world of me and would never dream of mercilessly mugging  me off behind my back. Christ no!

Soon, we’re all going to meet up for drinkzzz in a big park in London. Therezz going to be lotzzz and lotzzz of my bestest FB chumzz there, and we’re going to give each other some really big (((((((HUGZZZZZZ))))))) and XOXOXOXO kisses because we all wuff each other SOOOOOOOO much…

I wudge having SOOOOOOO many luvlee frendzzz becozz they make me so happy, and are always there whenever I lose the plot and show myself up like shit on my statuzzz.

Sumtimezz, I might have a little meltdown and rant on about how sum peeple need to take a gud look at themselvezzzz and generally act the giddy arseole.  But my wuffly, ickle, FB frendzz never judge me or call me a mad bitch when I’m not looking. Thatzz becos they wudge me werry much.

Yezzzzzz, they make me happy, happy, happy! In fact, what with all my thousands of virtual frendzzz, and my totally exciting social life with them all,  I’m quite literally never home these days and it’s such a fabby larf, I must be the happiezzt person in the whole wide world!

HAPPY…….HAPPY……HAPPY……HAPPY!!!

I’m going to kill myself later.

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