The scene is a small coffee house opposite 221B Hetero Street in Brighton, Sussex, the home of the renowned sleuth and towering bigot, Sherlock Homophobe. The great man is seated at a table close to the window, when his staunch friend and assistant, Dr John Mincing, enters in a state of some excitement.
Mincing – I say Homophobe; I’ve just received a most singular letter from a young baronet in Cornwall. He has just taken up residence in his ancestral home from where he writes. It’s the most deucedly odd thing, but there have been several sightings of an enormous spectral hound roaming the nearby moors. I think we should investigate further and without delay. What say you old friend?
Homophobe – Stop trying to gay me up you infernal bottomist! I can see by the aspect of your trouser frontage that you are in a state of high arousal sir. There can be very little doubt that you now expect me to perform a lewd and unlawful act on your person, after which you will no doubt expect me to subject to buggery in the gentleman’s retreats. Your mien and desires are no better than those of a common beast of the field sirrah. Now get out before I call a constable and have you flung into Newgate!
Mincing – !!!!!!
NEXT WEEK: Homophobe accuses Mincing of masturbating into his violin case
It’s not the money if that’s what you’re thinking, nor indeed the prestige and fame, let alone the offers of marriage from countless smitten film starlets and fashion models. No, my friends, it’s none of those things. It’s the brevity.
Let me explain further. I write for a handful of satirical news publications with varying degrees of success. For example, I recently had a story published in News Thump which attracted 30,000 Facebook ‘likes’, over 700 ‘shares’, and more tweets than you could shake an inky quill at, not to mention countless comments on the piece itself, some complimentary, some condemnatory. In short, just as it should be when writing ‘proper’ satire.
The real beauty, however, comes with my interactions with the various editors. Brevity truly is the order of the day with these boys and that’s right up my misanthropic alley. Take this morning’s communication with the editor of News Thump following my early morning sub:
ED. – This is good Danny (my nom de plume) I’ll get it up some time this morning. (He has a very attractive wife apparently)
ME – Thanks mate. Much appreciated as ever.
Good isn’t it? 😀
Here’s the piece if you’re interested. Have a great day/evening/night.
“A murder you say? The infernal work of a crazed homosexual no doubt”
The scene is Homophobe’s study at 221B Hetero Avenue in Brighton, Sussex. The great detective and insufferable bigot is breakfasting at a small table when his great friend and staunch assistant, Dr John Mincing, bursts into the room in a state of great excitement:
Mincing – By thunder Homophobe! I bring you the most singular tidings old friend. A male corpse has been discovered in a derelict house in Brixton. The poor chap appears to have been poisoned and there’s the most deucedly strange inscription on the wall, daubed with the victim’s blood. Let us hasten to the scene at once my dear old friend, for I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there wasn’t some infernal and extremely rum skullduggery at work and that the case will henceforth be known as: A Study In Scarlet. For God’s sake come at once Homophobe, for time is of the essence man!
Homophobe – You infernal arse bandit Mincing! Verily you are well-named sir. Mincing by name, mincing by nature! I see through your vile subterfuge sirrah. No sooner will we be alone in that derelict property than you will start rogering me violently over an old sink, stretching the flower of my manhood until my most intimate cavity is flooded with your accursed nancy boy jism! Now get out before I call Inspector Lastrade and have you incarcerated in Newgate for life with other ghastly examples of your depraved, bottom-worshipping ilk!
Mincing – !!!!!
The little paper oblong on bars of Imperial Leather soap can be gently picked off and then stuck to a small piece of cloth to create a snug and decorative duvet cover for pet locusts.
That’s absolutely true that is. A bloke down the pub told me.
A bridge too far perhaps?
The League of Mental Men!
Some homeless people pictured limbering up for a stint on the proposed Garden Bridge last night
London’s homeless community have added their support to the proposed Thames Garden Bridge lobby, insisting that the controversial project will provide them with much-needed shelter and even food during the winter months.
The proposed bridge, the brainchild of actress, Joanna Lumley, is seen in some quarters as a self-indulgent folly which will add nothing to London’s infrastructure and is just an ill-conceived eyesore and a criminal drain on taxpayer’s resources.
However, a number of vagrants we spoke to on a piece of wasteground in Spitalfields, East London, were unequivocal in their support for the project. One of them, a man in his 60s said:
“Personally I think this is a wonderful move and I can’t wait to start hiding in bushes and jumping out on passers-by with a beard full of sick. I just…
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The League of Mental Men!
Did you know that The Queen has got an artificial leg? Well she has. She lost the original one during the war when she and Princess Margaret went out on one of their famous secret walks together. They used to dress up as normal civvies and go to the pictures and then down the pub after. Apparently, the Germans dropped a bomb on the cinema, where they were watching a Noel Coward film, and the Queen had her leg blown off, although Princess Margaret got away with it.
The new leg is made from wood from a tree in Buckingham Palace and she’s got a special servant who polishes it and sands it down now and again so that the royal corgis don’t get splinters when they rub up against it.. She didn’t say anything about it at the time because Winston Churchill told her not to. He told her it…
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Why don’t they get some of these benefit cheats and illegals to attach hooks to The Middle East and tow it down to Australia. That way, some of these ISIS fellows might become enthused with the laid back Aussie lifestyle and take to barbecuing roo burgers instead of beheading the gays and so on…and if they don’t, and carry on with their murdering ways, nobody will be bothered as it will only be Australians getting it in the neck.