Monthly Archives: June 2015

Space Probe Wakes Up Dying For A Piss And With A Mild Erection

philae

Somebody stick the kettle on FFS!”

Scientists from the European Space Agency, ESA, have reported that the Philae comet lander, which has been in hibernation since last November when it’s solar batteries died after landing on Comet 67P, has woken up and made contact with mission control. Early reports indicate that the lander was fully operational but urgently needed to go to the bathroom and was in a mild state of sexual arousal.

Professor Terry Carter, the Philae Project Manager, told reporters:

“Our data indicates that Philae was a little woozy and had a pretty full bladder, but we’re confident that after it’s been to the bathroom and brushed its teeth, it’ll be as right as rain. At this point we have no idea whether it dreamed of walking naked down a crowded street or of falling from a tall building, but we’re hoping to establish this over the next few days as more data becomes available”

When questioned about reports that the probe was in a semi-tumescent state, he went on:

“Yes Philae was sporting a bit of a lazy lob on, but a cold shower and an early morning run should do the trick in that regard. Failing that, we’ll switch off our monitoring equipment for ten minutes or so which will give it the chance to have a quick hand shandy behind a pile of rocks or something”

This sensational development comes just six months after the notorious, party-loving Russian probe, Vladimir, woke up in a pool of its own propellant at the bottom of a crater on Venus with a traffic cone on it’s head and a mouth like the inside of a Turkish wrestler’s jock strap.

The Space Cadet Herald

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice

television

CBS Drama 22.00: Unsolved Mysteries.

A team of scientist look into the phenomena of spontaneous combustion and also try to put a rough estimate on how monumentally thick a human being has to be to have purchased and read a copy of 50 Shades Of Grey.

Sky2 20.00: Glee.

Documentary looking at the possible reaction around the world in the event that Piers Morgan and Simon Cowell were to announce they were going to fight a duel to the death with the winner being thrown to a pack of ravening tigers.

Warning: These programmes contain appalling spelling and grating syntax with traces of big trousers and immense smarminess.

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American Woman Still Being Ignored Despite 10,000th Retweet Of Own Work

woman at computer

Mrs Backboard pictured continuing to flog a dead horse last night

A 57-year-old woman from Austin, Texas, has still not had any reaction to a piece of humorous writing she posted on her blog 9 years ago, despite having doggedly retweeted the piece in her Twitter account on numerous occasions ever since.

Mrs Patsy Backboard, a housewife and mother of two, yesterday chalked up her 10,000th retweet but has still to receive a single response of any kind from any of the 57,273 people she is currently following.

Mrs Backboard remains undaunted however and told local reporters last night:

“I’m absolutely convinced that one day my story will be given the attention I think it deserves. It’s about old people behaving badly in a retirement home and it’s easily the best thing I’ve ever written. I know it’s good because a few weeks after I posted it on my blog somebody clicked on the like button. Admittedly, I received a lot of negative, and in some cases, quite abusive feedback, but you always get these troll types on the internet don’t you? A lot of it’s down to jealousy in my opinion”.

Mrs Backboard’s sole follower on Twitter is her daughter, Ellie, 30, who told reporters:

“The entire family realises that mom’s story is absolute shit, but nobody’s got the heart to tell her. That ‘like’ she got was from my 3-year-old daughter, who accidentally pressed the button when she was sitting on my lap one evening. I just hope she gets fed up with the lack of reaction and gives up to be honest”.

A spokesperson for Twitter said last night:

“It’s not unusual to get this type of narcissistic behaviour on social media. These people suffer from a condition called the Dunning-Kruger Syndrome which results in them becoming convinced of their own brilliance, despite everybody around them telling them that they’re absolutely fucking dire and that they wish they’d just piss off out of it”

The Austin Bugle.

Disclaimer: All persons in the above skit are completely fictitious and bear no resemblance to any persons alive or dead…in all probability.

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The Justice League Of Complimentary Men

Here’s one I penned in ‘the other place’ which lampoons the ridiculous mutual backslapping ethos of WordPress. Mainly though, it rips the piss out of my fellow humorists. Fortunately they’re a forgiving bunch and will, no doubt, be able to see the funny si…RAT TAT TAT TAT! BLAM!…BLAM!…RAT TAT TAT TAT BLAM!…UNH!…*thud*

The League of Mental Men!

super villains

“Well we wouldn’t fancy tangling with ’em I don’t mind telling yers!”

The Justice League Of Complimentary Men are a disparate band of mutant humorists, hideously deformed, but endowed with superhuman powers after being exposed to harmful gamma rays during a salon tanning session in Shoreditch, East London. Since that fateful day, this intrepid bunch of outcasts have vowed to flood the world of WordPress with totally fake, sycophantic praise and undeserved plaudits until no blogger, no matter how fucking useless and inept, remains un-bullshitted.

I give you then my friends: The Justice League Of Complimentary Men:

Clivey Dee, 19. aka Captain Crawlarse

clivey as captain crawlarse

Despite his tender years (he’s 19 incidentally), Captain C has led his valiant team of bullshit artists to some of their greatest ever disingenuous acts of crawling. His powers of sycophancy can only be described as indefatigable, and it is said that he once duped over 1000…

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Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire

I have managed to fool my next door neighbours into thinking I’m a South American Manatee by piling on an excessive amount of weight, painting myself grey, and laying just beneath the surface of their fishpond with a benign, moronic expression on my face. For added authenticity, I have administered a number of deep cuts to my body to simulate the mutilations caused by the propellers of speed boats. I’ve even learned a smattering of Spanish in case they pull me out and start asking questions. The gullible fools don’t suspect a thing.

Toby Attenborough

The Galapagos Islands

For more banal gags and the heartless lampooning of perfectly innocent marine mammals, for God’s sake don’t visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

No good will come of it, trust me.

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Danny Sparko: East London Heavyweight Consumers Champion

tough guy

Dear Danny

My only son is turning 18 this month, and to celebrate, we’re planning a big party at our house. The arrangements had all gone fairly well until this week when I was badly let down by our local priest who had promised to let us have some old pews belonging to the church that had been discarded to accommodate new ones. However, when I rang last night to arrange a time to collect them, the priest told me that he’d sold them to somebody else who had come in at the last minute with a higher bid. Now I’m at my wits end as we have over 200 guests due to arrive and I’m worried that people will have nowhere to sit when we have the garden buffet, so any help or advice you can give would be most welcome Danny.

Mary Dell

Eire

*******************************

Dear Mary

I waited outside the church after morning mass and stuck one on his jaw as he was walking down the path. The boy went down like a sack of spuds so I gave him a few toe-enders in the kidneys while he was on the deck. At this point a woman from the congregation came steaming over and told me to leave it and that he wasn’t worth it but I told her it was between me and him and for her to shut it.

I then dragged him to his feet and stuck the nut in before following up with a few tasty digs to his solar plexus. This seemed to sicken the geezer big time and he’s hit the deck again. I could see he’d had enough by this time so I stamped on his face, giving him the old 5 millimetre tread and left him laying there.

I then dived into the church and had it on my toes with the collection box and a couple of gold crosses that I found laying on the altar. I’ll knock these out to a geezer I know with a smelter later on and send you any dosh I make after expenses. I’ve asked a couple of geezers from the firm to shoot over to the church later and unscrew some of the pews and deliver ’em to your gaff some time tomorrow, so you should be nicely sorted for the kid’s birthday scrimmage alright love?

If there’s anything else I can help you with just ask ok sweetheart? Hope the bash goes off alright, and if you need a couple of big lumps on the door in case it kicks off, I’ll send a couple of the chaps round ok?

All the very best Treacle

Your Pal

Danny

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US Cops Will Now Have To Hide Their Eyes And Count To 10 Before Gunning Down Blacks

cop

Not so fast officer!

For this uplifting tale and more examples of biting satirical social commentary that means I will probably never be able to holiday in Mississippi, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!gun-play/csyl

Disclaimer: No uppity nigras were beaten with truncheons or savaged by Alsatians during the writing of this skit…although I wouldn’t quite rule it out completely.

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