He gotta big face!
The British government last night intimated that they could use pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell’s enormous trousers to quell insurgency after Islamic State fighters were spotted on the gigantic face of pop icon, Olly Murs, by American spy planes last week.
A spokesman for the Ministry Of Defence said last night: “Intelligence reports from our American allies indicate that a small number of militia from Islamic State have set up a base on Olly Murs’s big face. This is clearly a statement of intent from the extremists and we have alerted Simon Cowell and asked him to be prepared to deploy his massive trousers if called upon to do so”
It is believed that Cowell’s trousers will be taken by Chinook helicopters to the target area, around Murs’s enormous forehead and then dropped over the jihadist’s enclave in a bid to suffocate them into submission.
The defence spokesman remained tight-lipped, however, when asked about rumoured plans to get BBC London, radio phone-in host, Vanessa Feltz, to sit on the extremist stronghold and squash them to death with her bloody great fat arse.
That’s all folks! I’m outta here. Pastures new and all that. Thanks for your kind attention.